42
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HUMOR
........ f ........
M oney* w^at s a 1944 Celeste Holm
musical?”
These kinds of requests are frequently
m shouted across my house hy my
boyfriend, Mr. Times-Crossword-Puzzle-in-Ink.
“Bloomer Grri,” I shout hack.
I’m hopeless when it comes to crosswords
(eight-letter word for my attitude: W-H-O-
C -A -R-E-S), hut I’m a reliable source for the
occasional music theater reference.
The fact is, I’ve never seen Bloom er Girl.
I’ve never heard Blixxmer Girl. Hell, I don’t
even know what a bloomer girl is. But I do
know that BLxrmer G irl was a 1944 Celeste
Holm musical. You see, I’m not just a music
theater queen, I’m an empress.
And I have been ever since I hurst out of
the womb crying: “Hello, everybtxJy! My
name’s June. W hat’s yours F
I mean, I was the 9-year-old who scolded
the clerks in the record department at Sears for
putting original cast albums under "sound
tracks.” When I went to college I even majored
in musical theater. Like the song says, “Gayer
than laughter am I.”
Certainly it’s no accident that plays without
music are called “straight plays.” But what is it
about musicals that so captivates gay men?
It’s not because musicals are created by gay
men, although they often are. In fact, Arthur
Freed’s production unit, responsible for nearly
all of the classic MGM musicals of the 1940s
and '50s, was so queer it was known in the
industry as “Freed’s Fairies.” Likewise for the
creative teams behind the current hits Chicago
and Hcurspray, as well as nearly every high
school production since the dawn of time.
But lots of straight men create musicals and
lots go to them, although I’m sure many a
Give 'em the old razzle dazzle
Gay men and musicals
THE GOSPEL
ACCORDING
TO MARC
b y M a rc Acito
mother has brought her sissy hoy to a matinee
of Annie and gone home singing, “My son’ll
come out...tomorrow!”
St) what is it about musicals? Here’s an
eight-letter word for my attitude: W-H-O-
C-A-R-E-S?
Musicals are fun; they’re buoyant and joy
ful and not prone to a lot of introspection.
Look at Cats, which is a two-hour pageant to
see which feline gets into kitty heaven.
(Again, W -H -O-C-A-R-E-S?) They should
post a sign in the lobby saying, “Warning:
This musical contains material which may
insult your intelligence.”
And even a classic like Oklahoma! is just a
simple story about who Laurie will choose to
escort her to the box social, which sounds to
me like a lesbian potluck.
Critics of the form snipe that “people in
real life don’t burst into song.” Oh yeah? I
know guys who are so queer they not only burst
into song, they burst into flames.
Presumably one of the reasons Chicago is
such a hit is that it solves this problem by mak
ing all the songs occur in the character Roxie
Hart’s head. Now don’t get me wrong; I loved
this movie. (Richard Gere has the role of a life
time as a sleazy lawyer. And Catherine Zeta-
Jones has the role of a lifetime as an oppor
tunistic gold digger
who’ll do any
thing for publici
ty. She also plays
one in the film.)
But the crit
ics miss the
point. Musi
cals are back
because we need
them. Now more than ever.
This is a form that blos
somed during the
anxieties of a
world at war; in
fact, research
shows that Carol
Channing actually started
touring in Hello, Dolly! during
the Crusades.
We miss seeing movies
with scenes like the one
where Renée Zell
weger dances on top
of the word “Roxie”
in lights,
although to be
more accurate it
should have said,
“Anoroxie." (I thought she was terrific, but it’s
definitely time for this girl to go back on solid
fcxxls. Rumor has it she collapsed in rehearsals
from exhaustion and was faxed to the hospital.)
Even the stepchild of musicals, the beach
movie, is being revived with a spring break-
themed film recently rushed into production
starring American Idol’s Kelly Clarkson and
Justin Guarini, the latter of whom is clearly
destined for greatness because he
has Barbra Streisand’s hairdo
from A Star Is Bom .
I think we should just recut
all the current movies to make
them musicals. For instance, in
Far from Heaven when
Julianne Moore walks in on
Dennis Quaid with another
man, you could splice in some
footage of him as Jerry Lee Lewis singing,
“Goodness gracious, great balls of fire!”
And in an effort to lighten up
Gangs o f N ew York, you could use
the scene in C harlie’s Angels
where Cameron Diaz dances in
her Spider-Man underpants.
Now if we can just figure
out how to get Nicole Kidman
singing “Material Girl” into
The Hours, we’d be set.
Like the song says,
“Wouldn’t it be loverly?”
And that, my friends,
is The Gospel According to
Marc, j n
M a r c A c it o
can be reached at
m arcacito& attbi. com .
Oregon Bears
Association
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