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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Jan. 17, 2003)
January 1 7 .2 0 0 3 42 HUM OR ’m so proud. Right here in Portland, researchers at Oregon Health & Science University have discovered that the hrains of gay male sheep differ slightly from those of straight male sheep. Although, when you consider how stupid sheep are, it’s amazing they could tell the difference. But, apparently, it’s not that difficult to tell which sheep are gay and which are not: For starters, straight sheep say “Baaah” while gay sheep say “Baaah-hra.” When in douht, researchers let the sheep pick out window treat ments and then drew conclusions from there. The whole brain thing doesn’t surprise me at all. Back in 1992, a study showed that gay men have larger clumps of nerve cells connect ing the left and right hemispheres of the brain, an area 1 like to call the “Garland Gland." Some argue that increased communication between the hemispheres enhances creativity. This would explain why, in a 2001 study in which men measured their own penises, gay men report ed longer lengths than straights— and proves you can’t always tmst those AOL profiles cither. (In other penis news, last year researchers at St. Mary’s Hospital in Great Britain concluded that no correlation exists between penis size and shoe size. As interesting as this may be, it does make one wonder why a British man would wear a shin: on his penis.) At the nx)t of all these studies, however, is the question of whether homosexuality is a choice. Happily, there is growing evidence to confinn what most of us have instinctively known all our lives: We’re simply made this way. A number of scientists seem to think we’re gay because of our hormones. For instance, one study using rats points to a relationship between stress during pregnancy and irregular I Rockin' Science project Is being gay genetic or prophetic? THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO MARC by M arc Acito hormonal levels. I’ve got to admit I don’t really understand how that works. I know the way to make a hormone is to stick a finger up his bum, but how exactly does one go about stressing a rat? Take it to the DMV? As for lesbians, a study done at University of Texas in Austin showed that gay women may have more testosterone than straight women. Researchers came to this conclusion when they discovered that, like men, lesbians have weaker inner ear cells. Put another way, lesbians just don’t hear as well, which goes a long way toward explaining why they can tol erate so much folk music. A University of California study claims that lesbians also have “masculine” right hands, in which the ring finger is longer than the pointer finger. In a related story, lovers of long-fingered California lesbians reported a higher rate of sexual satisfaction. Some of the most compelling evidence for biological causes, however, are the genetic stud ies. I read about one that proved gay men actual ly have less subcutaneous fat than straight men. Apparently we can fit into our designer jeans be cause of our de signer genes. And we also have lower creatine lev els, which proves that gym rats don’t take supplements for vanity’s sake; we need this stuff like Whitney Houston needs a crack pipe and a sandwich. One experiment showed that the introduction of a certain gene caused fruit flies (yes, you read that right) to exhibit homo sexual behaviors. I’m guessing that means the lesbian flies would only land tin organic pnxluce while the gay ones cheerful ly flitted from fruit to fniit. The studies of twins are perhaps the most intriguing. For instance, fraternal twins who are carried in the same womb and reared in the same household have a 1 -in-4 chance of being gay, while identical twins have a 1 -in-2 chance of being gay. And if two gay twias leave Detroit at the same time, one heading to Provincetown at 60 miles per hour, the other to Key West at 75 miles What’s Keeping You From Mr. Right? per hour, one thing is certain: Both of them will get laid while on vacation. Isn’t science cool! Some argue that once it’s proven homosexuality is genetic, it will mean the end of discrimination. My concern is that once it’s proven homosexuality is genetic, it will also mean the end of homo sexuality. If scientists know what causes queemess, they might also eradicate it. And I’m not sure I want to live in a world without Lycra and John Waters movies. But the issue of whether being gay is a choice is com pletely irrelevant to the issue of civil rights. After all, religion is a choice, and it’s a protected right. If I ch(X)se to worship Jeff Stryker, I should be allowed to. And if someone really thinks being queer is so c<x)l they actually chtxise to be gay, I say jump in— there’s plenty of rtxxn to splash in our gene pool. And that, my friends, is The Gospel According to Marc. jH M arc : A cito would like to apologize in advance to any scientists, sheep or fruit flies he may have offended. Write him at marcacito@atthi.com. The BIGGEST GAY LEAGUE in Portland bowls at Sox Hop!! S Sponsored by 9 300 LANES! 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