January 1 7 .2 0 0 3
42
HUM OR
’m so proud. Right here in Portland,
researchers at Oregon Health & Science
University have discovered that the hrains
of gay male sheep differ slightly from those
of straight male sheep. Although, when you
consider how stupid sheep are, it’s amazing they
could tell the difference.
But, apparently, it’s not that difficult to tell
which sheep are gay and which are not: For
starters, straight sheep say “Baaah” while gay
sheep say “Baaah-hra.” When in douht,
researchers let the sheep pick out window treat
ments and then drew conclusions from there.
The whole brain thing doesn’t surprise me
at all. Back in 1992, a study showed that gay
men have larger clumps of nerve cells connect
ing the left and right hemispheres of the brain,
an area 1 like to call the “Garland Gland."
Some argue that increased communication
between the hemispheres enhances creativity.
This would explain why, in a 2001 study in which
men measured their own penises, gay men report
ed longer lengths than straights— and proves you
can’t always tmst those AOL profiles cither.
(In other penis news, last year researchers at
St. Mary’s Hospital in Great Britain concluded
that no correlation exists between penis size
and shoe size. As interesting as this may be, it
does make one wonder why a British man
would wear a shin: on his penis.)
At the nx)t of all these studies, however, is
the question of whether homosexuality is a
choice. Happily, there is growing evidence to
confinn what most of us have instinctively
known all our lives: We’re simply made this way.
A number of scientists seem to think we’re
gay because of our hormones. For instance, one
study using rats points to a relationship
between stress during pregnancy and irregular
I
Rockin'
Science project
Is being gay genetic or prophetic?
THE GOSPEL
ACCORDING
TO MARC
by M arc Acito
hormonal levels. I’ve got to admit I don’t really
understand how that works. I know the way to
make a hormone is to stick a finger up his bum,
but how exactly does one go about stressing a
rat? Take it to the DMV?
As for lesbians, a study done at University
of Texas in Austin showed that gay women
may have more testosterone than straight
women. Researchers came to this conclusion
when they discovered that, like men, lesbians
have weaker inner ear cells. Put another way,
lesbians just don’t hear as well, which goes a
long way toward explaining why they can tol
erate so much folk music.
A University of California study claims that
lesbians also have “masculine” right hands, in
which the ring finger is longer than the pointer
finger. In a related story, lovers of long-fingered
California lesbians reported a higher rate of
sexual satisfaction.
Some of the most compelling evidence for
biological causes, however, are the genetic stud
ies. I read about one that proved gay men actual
ly have less subcutaneous fat than straight men.
Apparently we
can fit into our
designer jeans be
cause of our de
signer genes. And
we also have
lower creatine lev
els, which proves
that gym rats don’t
take supplements for
vanity’s sake; we
need this stuff like
Whitney Houston
needs a crack pipe and a
sandwich.
One experiment
showed that the introduction of
a certain gene caused fruit flies (yes,
you read that right) to exhibit homo
sexual behaviors. I’m guessing that
means the lesbian flies would only land
tin organic pnxluce while the gay ones cheerful
ly flitted from fruit to fniit.
The studies of twins are perhaps the most
intriguing. For instance, fraternal twins who
are carried in the same womb and reared in the
same household have a 1 -in-4 chance of being
gay, while identical twins have a 1 -in-2 chance
of being gay.
And if two gay twias leave Detroit at the
same time, one heading to Provincetown at 60
miles per hour, the other to Key West at 75 miles
What’s Keeping You From Mr. Right?
per hour, one
thing is certain:
Both of them
will get laid while
on vacation.
Isn’t science cool!
Some argue that
once it’s proven
homosexuality is
genetic, it will
mean the end of
discrimination.
My concern is
that once it’s proven
homosexuality is
genetic, it will also
mean the end of homo
sexuality. If scientists
know what causes queemess,
they might also eradicate it.
And I’m not sure I want to
live in a world without Lycra
and John Waters movies.
But the issue of whether
being gay is a choice is com
pletely irrelevant to the issue of
civil rights. After all, religion is a
choice, and it’s a protected right.
If I ch(X)se to worship Jeff Stryker, I should be
allowed to. And if someone really thinks being
queer is so c<x)l they actually chtxise to be gay,
I say jump in— there’s plenty of rtxxn to splash
in our gene pool.
And that, my friends, is The Gospel
According to Marc. jH
M arc : A cito would like to apologize in advance
to any scientists, sheep or fruit flies he may have
offended. Write him at marcacito@atthi.com.
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