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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Jan. 3, 2003)
“*4 OMt » |anua/y 3. 2003 38 J HUMOR .............. ▼................. ell, I’m 37, and I’m still not famous. So far the only way my name has appeared on the cover o f Vanity Fair is on the address label. If I sound a little hummed it’s because l am now simply ttx> long in the trn th ever to he considered a rising young anything. In fact, I’m so long in the tixtth my dentist recently informed me I have a “recession" in my gums. First the economy, now my gums. At least the economy will come hack someday. There’s enormous pressure to he extraordinary when you’re gay. Supposedly we’re all gym-Kxl- ied party hoys of unlimited discretionary income with enough time on our hands to cater exquisite hmnehes in our tastefully appointed homes. W hen we’re not memorizing show tunes we’re having toas of wild sex with our huff buddies. No wonder I feel like a failure. T he wildest sex I ever see is on the Discovery Channel. Usually I torture myself on my birthday by reflecting on all the notable people who had completed their life’s work by the time they were my age, like Van Gogh. (Oops, I did it again.) But this year I’ve got a new attitude (and a new prescription), so I’ve decided instead to fixzus on all the notable people who hadn’t begun their life’s work until they were my age or older. I’m not talking about people who worked a lifetime toward some goal they didn’t reach until after they were 40. Nope, I’m talking about late bkximers— people like me who screwed around, wasted time and made a whole lot of wrong turns, detours and scenic side trips on their journeys through life. People like Julia Child, who said: “I was 32 when I started axiking. Up until then, I just ate." Yes, Julia was no child when she enrolled in Paris’ Cordon Bleu ccx>king schixd five years Starting over It’s never too late to become an icon THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO MARC b y M a r c A cito later and was 52 when her hit television show premiered. Phyllis Diller got her start at 37. The work ing mother of five children, she was struggling to make ends meet as a publicist and journalist when, at the urging of her husband (immortal ized as “Fang”), she tried standup comedy for the first time. Harry Tniman entered politics at the age of 40 after having lost his shirt in men’s clothing, his fourth failed business. “If I hadn’t been the president of the United States, I probably would have ended up a piano player in a whorehouse,” he said. Truman didn’t live in a home of his own until he left for Washington, D.C., to become a senator at age 50. Mary Baker Eddy, the only woman ever to found a major world religion, created Christian Science when she was 53. Sure, Christian Sci ence makes Mormonism look positively logical, bur The Christian Science Monitor, which Eddy founded when she was 88 (!), is still a highly respected, secular daily newspaper 95 years later. T hen there’s my favorite. Jacqueline Susann did not start a reli gion, hut to those of us who possess more ambition than talent, she is our patron saint (albeit a pill-popping, alcoholic one who used Nembutal suppositories). A lousy actress with a nothing career, Susann pub lished her first htxik (an autobi ography of her ptxxJle) when she was 45 years old. She was diagnosed with cancer a few m onths later, and, figuring that being a late bliximer beat dying on the vine, made a deal with G(xJ that if he gave her 10 more years to live, she would become the most successful writer of all time. Despite being almost as bad a writer as she was an actress, Susann and GtxJ both kept their promises. Her next hxxik, Valley of the DolLs, remained on The New York Times best seller list for a record-breaking 65 weeks (28 of them at No. 1). She went on to become the first author ever to cxrcupy the No. 1 slot with three consecutive novels. Some people ask themselves, “W hat would Jesus d o r I ask, “W hat would Jackie do?” Yet, even with all that inspiration, I still find the idea of being a late | bloomer painfully embarrassing, like I’m the kid who has to ride to spe cial schcxil in the small bus. I’m 37 years old, and I’m on my fourth career, which is particularly galling when you consider I was a student until age 25. You do the math. But when I real ly start to despair I think of our very own president. I mean, if an alco holic cokehead with a “C" average can become the leader of the free world, then anything’s possible. And that, my friends, is T he Gospel According to Marc. jD M arc A cito awaits your suggestions for making him an icon at marcacito@atthi.com. ilrji* Slfj^ulaìIKJF !lf‘“ ìJlu j IK jf Ü WWjJIajlKJji Ulf! JH6OTSPJJS. martini happy hour 5-7 each day naked wine tasting every Wednesday 219 NW Davis Street______ www.cc-slaughters.com UPCOMING EVENTS ----------------- ----------------- Beach Blanket Bash A Birthday for Jemca Stephens-Hunter Jan 5lh Cuervo Nation A Mega Latino Drag Show 1 Jan 17* Red Light District Party Sluts with Style TIRED OF WAITING IN LINE? CC's HAS $5 00 ALL YOU CAN EAT BREAKFAST FRIDAY A SATURDAY 2:30am ~ 4:30am FRIDAYS High Energy Dance! SATURDAYS High Energy Dance! SUNDAYS Latino Night' MONDAYS queerasfolk & Dancers' TUESDAYS Karaoke with Klass WEDNESDAYS Boot Scootin’ Country Line Dance Lessons @ 8 THURSDAY Latino Dance Night! Latin Dance lesson @ 8 Nishtspct owners! Advertise in Just Cut! 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