“*4 OMt » |anua/y 3. 2003
38 J
HUMOR
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ell, I’m 37, and I’m still not famous.
So far the only way my name has
appeared on the cover o f Vanity Fair is
on the address label.
If I sound a little hummed it’s because l am
now simply ttx> long in the trn th ever to he
considered a rising young anything. In fact, I’m
so long in the tixtth my dentist recently
informed me I have a “recession" in my gums.
First the economy, now my gums. At least the
economy will come hack someday.
There’s enormous pressure to he extraordinary
when you’re gay. Supposedly we’re all gym-Kxl-
ied party hoys of unlimited discretionary income
with enough time on our hands to cater exquisite
hmnehes in our tastefully appointed homes.
W hen we’re not memorizing show tunes we’re
having toas of wild sex with our huff buddies.
No wonder I feel like a failure. T he wildest
sex I ever see is on the Discovery Channel.
Usually I torture myself on my birthday by
reflecting on all the notable people who had
completed their life’s work by the time they were
my age, like Van Gogh. (Oops, I did it again.)
But this year I’ve got a new attitude (and a new
prescription), so I’ve decided instead to fixzus on
all the notable people who hadn’t begun their
life’s work until they were my age or older.
I’m not talking about people who worked a
lifetime toward some goal they didn’t reach
until after they were 40. Nope, I’m talking
about late bkximers— people like me who
screwed around, wasted time and made a whole
lot of wrong turns, detours and scenic side trips
on their journeys through life.
People like Julia Child, who said: “I was 32
when I started axiking. Up until then, I just
ate." Yes, Julia was no child when she enrolled
in Paris’ Cordon Bleu ccx>king schixd five years
Starting over
It’s never too late to become an icon
THE GOSPEL
ACCORDING
TO MARC
b y M a r c A cito
later and was 52 when her hit television show
premiered.
Phyllis Diller got her start at 37. The work
ing mother of five children, she was struggling
to make ends meet as a publicist and journalist
when, at the urging of her husband (immortal
ized as “Fang”), she tried standup comedy for
the first time.
Harry Tniman entered politics at the age of
40 after having lost his shirt in men’s clothing,
his fourth failed business. “If I hadn’t been the
president of the United States, I probably
would have ended up a piano player in a
whorehouse,” he said. Truman didn’t live in a
home of his own until he left for Washington,
D.C., to become a senator at age 50.
Mary Baker Eddy, the only woman ever to
found a major world religion, created Christian
Science when she was 53. Sure, Christian Sci
ence makes Mormonism look positively logical,
bur The Christian Science Monitor, which Eddy
founded when she was 88 (!), is still a highly
respected, secular daily newspaper 95 years later.
T hen there’s my favorite. Jacqueline Susann
did not start a reli
gion, hut to those
of us who possess
more ambition than
talent, she is our
patron saint (albeit
a pill-popping,
alcoholic one who
used Nembutal
suppositories).
A lousy actress
with a nothing
career, Susann pub
lished her first
htxik (an autobi
ography of her
ptxxJle) when she
was 45 years old.
She was diagnosed
with cancer a few
m onths later, and,
figuring that being
a late bliximer
beat dying on the
vine, made a deal
with G(xJ that if he
gave her 10 more years to live, she would
become the most successful writer of all time.
Despite being almost as bad a writer as she
was an actress, Susann and GtxJ both kept
their promises. Her next hxxik, Valley of the
DolLs, remained on The New York Times best
seller list for a record-breaking 65 weeks (28 of
them at No. 1). She went on to become the
first author ever to cxrcupy the No. 1 slot with
three consecutive novels.
Some people ask themselves, “W hat would
Jesus d o r I ask, “W hat would Jackie do?”
Yet, even with all
that inspiration, I
still find the idea
of being a late
| bloomer painfully
embarrassing, like
I’m the kid who
has to ride to spe
cial schcxil in the
small bus. I’m 37
years old, and I’m
on my fourth
career, which is
particularly galling
when you consider
I was a student
until age 25. You
do the math.
But when I real
ly start to despair I
think of our very
own president. I
mean, if an alco
holic cokehead
with a “C" average
can become the
leader of the free
world, then anything’s possible.
And that, my friends, is T he Gospel
According to Marc. jD
M arc A cito awaits your suggestions for making
him an icon at marcacito@atthi.com.
ilrji* Slfj^ulaìIKJF !lf‘“ ìJlu j IK jf Ü WWjJIajlKJji Ulf!
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