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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (July 5, 2002)
My 5. 2002 ADVICE ..... ▼ ..... D ear M s . B ehavior : My girlfriend, Rhonda, constantly refers to herself as fat. She has a million little degrading names for herself: Miss Piggy, Hungry Hippo, Fatty-Two-Shoes. T he list goes on and on. 1 find her to be luscious and voluptuous and absolutely gorgeous. I wouldn’t have her lose an ounce. The thing is, I can’t tell you how tired I am of her constantly berating herself, talking end lessly about her chub, asking me to pinch her rolls, interrogating me about how she looks— it’s boring. 1 have the same thing to say: She looks great to me. Why should anything else matter? Sometimes when she overeats, I try to get her to stop because 1 think she’ll feel bad about it. This seems to make her feel even fatter, but I’m only trying to stave off hours of torture. What can I do to help her accept her perfect (in my eyes) body? — Weight'Watcher’s Wife D ear W eight -W atcher ’ s .W ife : Have you told Rhonda you’re tired of hear ing about her chubbiness? Perhaps there’s a song you can sing every time she starts: “Lov ing you is easy ’cause you’re beautiful." (Think Olivia Newton-John.) Or you could try “You Light Up My Life” if you’re in more of a Debbie Boone mood. Hopefully, Rhonda will soon get sick of hearing you sing. If singing doesn’t work, tell her more directly that you don’t want to play that role with her because you think o f her as a G o d dess, and you don’t want her to try to dis suade you. Show 'her how much you love her Smegma Ms. Behavior explains how to alternatively support and scare the lesbian population body and pay special atten tion to her rolls. You can’t have it both ways; if you truly find her “luscious” and “gorgeous” make sure not to give her mixed messages by appreciat ing her size one day and say ing, “You don’t really want that extra piece of pie, do you.7” on another. This will only make her feel that you secretly want a svelte girl friend and will confirm her suspicions that you think she’s a hippo. A t the same time, Rhon da needs to get a grip. If she is in serious despair about her weight (as opposed to just chronically chattering about it), she should choose someone else with whom to discuss her feel ings, like Jenny Craig, Oprah, a therapist or one o f her snacking buddies. D ear M s . B ehavior : We are two gay men who play host to a weekly Scrabble group at our house. Our problem is with a lesbian couple who attend. We’U call them “Carol and Mary Jane.” Carol and Mary Jane are both writers and use a lot of big words. This intimidates us as we’re sissies by nature, and often this causes us to lose points. We’d like to keep invit ing them, but we’d also like to win. What should we do? — Ted and Ben D ear T ed and B en : Ms. Behavior loves competitive sissies! Perhaps she can help you even the score with your lesbian foes. First, you need to be released from your sensation of intimidation. Like many gay men victimized by our culture, you two are misdirected and stuck in “Bigger Is Better” mode. While this principle generally holds true with penises and certain cuts of red meat, it’s not necessarily true of other things, like shoes, dogs or words. And with words (as with shoes and penises), strategic placement is more important than size. If you want to beat the lesbians at Scrabble, practice methods that will catch them off guard. For example, use small but powerful words that will make their lesbian skin crawl, like “gism,” “fetching” and “smegma.” Don’t allow the lesbians to sit next to each other and hold hands, as separation will foster their discomfort. Serve only snacks that lesbians won’t eat: beef jerky, pigs in blankets, nonorganic chicken wings. They will be weakened by hunger. M ost lesbians are hypoglycemic and need feedings every 25 to 30 minutes. The I can’t tell you how tired I am of her constantly berating herself, talking endlessly about her chub, asking me to pinch her rolls, Interrogating me about how she looks weaker they get, the more likely you are to win! (But please do give them a healthy snack before they have to drive hom e.) | D © Meryl Cohn 2002 M eryl C ohn is the author of Do W hat I Say: Ms. Behavior’s G uide to G ay and Lesbian Etiquette (Houghton M ifflin). Her Internet site is t vww.msbehavior.com. Send questions or correspondence to msbehavior@aol.com.
