My 5. 2002
ADVICE
..... ▼ .....
D ear M s . B ehavior :
My girlfriend, Rhonda, constantly refers
to herself as fat. She has a million little
degrading names for herself: Miss Piggy,
Hungry Hippo, Fatty-Two-Shoes. T he list
goes on and on.
1 find her to be luscious and voluptuous and
absolutely gorgeous. I wouldn’t have her lose
an ounce.
The thing is, I can’t tell you how tired I am
of her constantly berating herself, talking end
lessly about her chub, asking me to pinch her
rolls, interrogating me about how she looks—
it’s boring. 1 have the same thing to say: She
looks great to me. Why should anything else
matter?
Sometimes when she overeats, I try to get
her to stop because 1 think she’ll feel bad about
it. This seems to make her feel even fatter, but
I’m only trying to stave off hours of torture.
What can I do to help her accept her perfect
(in my eyes) body?
— Weight'Watcher’s Wife
D ear W eight -W atcher ’ s .W ife :
Have you told Rhonda you’re tired of hear
ing about her chubbiness? Perhaps there’s a
song you can sing every time she starts: “Lov
ing you is easy ’cause you’re beautiful." (Think
Olivia Newton-John.)
Or you could try “You Light Up My Life” if
you’re in more of a Debbie Boone mood.
Hopefully, Rhonda will soon get sick of hearing
you sing.
If singing doesn’t work, tell her more
directly that you don’t want to play that role
with her because you think o f her as a G o d
dess, and you don’t want her to try to dis
suade you. Show 'her how much you love her
Smegma
Ms. Behavior explains how to alternatively support
and scare the lesbian population
body and pay special atten
tion to her rolls.
You can’t have it both
ways; if you truly find her
“luscious” and “gorgeous”
make sure not to give her
mixed messages by appreciat
ing her size one day and say
ing, “You don’t really want
that extra piece of pie, do
you.7” on another. This will
only make her feel that you
secretly want a svelte girl
friend and will confirm her
suspicions that you think
she’s a hippo.
A t the same time, Rhon
da needs to get a grip. If she
is in serious despair about
her weight (as opposed to just chronically
chattering about it), she should choose
someone else with whom to discuss her feel
ings, like Jenny Craig, Oprah, a therapist or
one o f her snacking buddies.
D ear M s . B ehavior :
We are two gay men who play host to a
weekly Scrabble group at our house. Our
problem is with a lesbian couple who attend.
We’U call them “Carol and Mary Jane.”
Carol and Mary Jane are both writers and
use a lot of big words. This
intimidates us as we’re
sissies by nature, and often
this causes us to lose
points.
We’d like to keep invit
ing them, but we’d also like
to win. What should we do?
— Ted and Ben
D ear T ed and B en :
Ms. Behavior loves
competitive sissies! Perhaps
she can help you even the
score with your lesbian
foes.
First, you need to be
released from your sensation
of intimidation. Like many
gay men victimized by our culture, you two are
misdirected and stuck in “Bigger Is Better”
mode.
While this principle generally holds true
with penises and certain cuts of red meat, it’s
not necessarily true of other things, like shoes,
dogs or words. And with words (as with shoes
and penises), strategic placement is more
important than size.
If you want to beat the lesbians at Scrabble,
practice methods that will catch them off
guard. For example, use small but powerful
words that will make their lesbian skin crawl,
like “gism,” “fetching” and “smegma.” Don’t
allow the lesbians to sit next to each other
and hold hands, as separation will foster their
discomfort.
Serve only snacks that lesbians won’t eat:
beef jerky, pigs in blankets, nonorganic
chicken wings. They will be weakened by
hunger. M ost lesbians are hypoglycemic and
need feedings every 25 to 30 minutes. The
I can’t tell you
how tired I am
of her constantly
berating herself,
talking endlessly
about her chub,
asking me to
pinch her rolls,
Interrogating me
about how she looks
weaker they get, the more likely you are to
win! (But please do give them a healthy
snack before they have to drive hom e.) | D
© Meryl Cohn 2002
M eryl C ohn is the author of Do W hat I Say:
Ms. Behavior’s G uide to G ay and Lesbian
Etiquette (Houghton M ifflin). Her Internet
site is t vww.msbehavior.com. Send questions or
correspondence to msbehavior@aol.com.