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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (June 21, 2002)
june 212002» )■ ■ » 0 ^ 3 9 A D V IC E ....................▼.................... Boinking Belsy D ear M s . B ehavior : I’m a 23-year-old gay man. My longest relationship was with my childhood sweet heart— a girl— which started in the seventh grade and continued through college. I’m still close to Betsy’s parents, although she refuses to speak to me. She doesn’t accept my homosexuality. She says it’s an abomination because I was supposed to marry her, and she doesn’t ever want to see me again. Her parents continue to write me cards and letters and to tell me they accept me as 1 am. Can 1 remain close with her parents and see them on the sly when 1 visit home? 1 know it sounds weird, hut they were like a second family to me. My boyfriend says 1 gave all that up when 1 gave up “boinking Betsy.” Is that tme, Ms. Behavior? Does becoming gay mean you have to wipe away all the com forts of the past? — Member of the Family D ear M ember of the F amily : Being gay does not mean you have to wipe away all the comforts o f your past. It only means you have to wear silly costumes, hold your wrist limply and talk with a lisp. (Actually, you could save that performance for a chance encounter with Betsy.) When you refer to seeing her parents “on the sly,” from whom are you hiding it? If you mean Betsy, Ms. Behavior sees no problem with your choice. You’re not obligated to please her anymore. (In fact, it’s unlikely you ever did, isn’t it?) You do, however, have an obligation to he truthful with your boyfriend about your You can give up the girl and still keep the parents feelings for Betsy’s family. He doesn’t have to like your relationship with them, and he doesn’t have to visit them with you, but you shouldn’t hide from him your intention to see them. D ear M s . B ehavior : Last fall my friend Joe introduced me to Sherry on a lesbian fix-up. He claimed she was a fantastic, stylish professional with a great sense of humor. We went out on several dates. A t first she seemed exactly as he described her, although soon she grew a lit tle nervous and clingy. Within the month, Sherry had lost her job and apartment during some kind of rage attack and lost any sem blance of sanity. When 1 broke it off with her, she seemed unwilling to accept reality and kept calling, writing, sending gifts and dropping by. It was traumatic for me— like being stalked— and, finally, I got tough with her: “Sherry, you’re not for me. Sorry things are rough, but I don’t want to date anymore. Don’t call or write. I do not want to be in contact with you ever again.” Luckily, that did the trick. Anyway, the problem is my friend Joe. It turns out he has known Sherry for years and has lived through these meltdowns of hers— freaking out, losing jobs, massive insecurities, verging on delusions— but he neglected to warn me. Last night I saw him at a party. When I mentioned the experience, he just shrugged and said, “Guess she wasn’t for you.” I know I should just let it go and write it off as a singular psycho lesbian dat ing experience, but I feel so mad at his response. I also found out he’s now planning to set her up with Sarah, a casual friend of mine. Should I warn her? unkind. Unless, of course, Sarah is one of those gentle-hearted, boundary-free lesbians who ache to fulfill all of someone’s wacky needs. H aven’t you met the type— profes sional dog groomer by day, amateur crisis counselor/psychodrama instructor by night, willing to act as caretaker, lover, career counselor, real estate agent, mommy and psychiatrist? Joe might continue to try to foist Sherry onto unsuspecting lesbians because it light ens his burden— he might be the beneficiary When I broke it off with her, she seemed unwilling to accept reality and kept calling w riting sending gifts and dropping by of her meltdowns when she’s single. But, at this point, it’s no longer your problem. You can just consider his judgment tainted; don’t trust him for matchmaking, movie reviews or home decorating tips. J H — W arning the W orld A bout Sherry © Meryl Cohn 2002 D ear W arning the W orld A bout S herry : It sounds like Sherry needs a therapist (or some medication) a lot more than she needs a girlfriend. With the proper help, she might feel a lot better and not act so, well, nutty. You can warn Sarah about your own experience with Sherry without being is the author of Do W hat I Say: Ms. Behavior’s G uide to G ay and Lesbian Etiquette (Houghton M ifflin). Her Internet site is wukv.msbehavior.com. Send questions or cor respondence to msbehavior@aol.com. M eryl C o h n Envy goes both ways. T N E VAGINA MONOLOGUES A BONA FIDE PHENOMENON SEX HAS NEVER BEEN FUNNIER OR MORE POIGNANT.” THE NEW yt«K TIMES SPREAD THE WORD July 9-14 • Newmark Theatre Ticket« available at ticketmaster.com. all tiG E firm & r* ' outlets or charge by by phone 503-790 ARTS. Discount for groups of 20 or more call 503 248 4910. For dinner and dessert packages at the Backstage Cafe, please call 50 3 2 74 6 5 96 Portland I nliuiH'
