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A D V IC E
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Boinking Belsy
D ear M s . B ehavior :
I’m a 23-year-old gay man. My longest
relationship was with my childhood sweet
heart— a girl— which started in the seventh
grade and continued through college.
I’m still close to Betsy’s parents, although
she refuses to speak to me. She doesn’t
accept my homosexuality. She says it’s an
abomination because I was supposed to
marry her, and she doesn’t ever want to see
me again. Her parents continue to write me
cards and letters and to tell me they accept
me as 1 am.
Can 1 remain close with her parents and
see them on the sly when 1 visit home? 1
know it sounds weird, hut they were like a
second family to me. My boyfriend says 1
gave all that up when 1 gave up “boinking
Betsy.”
Is that tme, Ms. Behavior? Does becoming
gay mean you have to wipe away all the com
forts of the past?
— Member of the Family
D ear M ember of the F amily :
Being gay does not mean you have to
wipe away all the comforts o f your past. It
only means you have to wear silly costumes,
hold your wrist limply and talk with a lisp.
(Actually, you could save that performance
for a chance encounter with Betsy.)
When you refer to seeing her parents “on
the sly,” from whom are you hiding it? If you
mean Betsy, Ms. Behavior sees no problem
with your choice. You’re not obligated to please
her anymore. (In fact, it’s unlikely you ever did,
isn’t it?)
You do, however, have an obligation to
he truthful with your boyfriend about your
You can give up the girl
and still keep the parents
feelings for Betsy’s family.
He doesn’t have to like your
relationship with them, and
he doesn’t have to visit
them with you, but you
shouldn’t hide from him
your intention to see them.
D ear M s . B ehavior :
Last fall my friend Joe
introduced me to Sherry on a
lesbian fix-up. He claimed
she was a fantastic, stylish
professional with a great
sense of humor.
We went out on several
dates. A t first she seemed
exactly as he described her,
although soon she grew a lit
tle nervous and clingy. Within the month,
Sherry had lost her job and apartment during
some kind of rage attack and lost any sem
blance of sanity.
When 1 broke it off with her, she seemed
unwilling to accept reality and kept calling,
writing, sending gifts and dropping by. It was
traumatic for me— like being stalked— and,
finally, I got tough with her: “Sherry, you’re not
for me. Sorry things are rough, but I don’t want
to date anymore. Don’t call or write. I do not
want to be in contact with you ever again.”
Luckily, that did the trick.
Anyway, the problem is
my friend Joe. It turns out
he has known Sherry for
years and has lived through
these meltdowns of hers—
freaking out, losing jobs,
massive insecurities, verging
on delusions— but he
neglected to warn me.
Last night I saw him at a
party. When I mentioned
the experience, he just
shrugged and said, “Guess
she wasn’t for you.”
I know I should just let
it go and write it off as a
singular psycho lesbian dat
ing experience, but I feel so
mad at his response. I also found out he’s
now planning to set her up with Sarah, a
casual friend of mine. Should I warn her?
unkind. Unless, of course, Sarah is one of
those gentle-hearted, boundary-free lesbians
who ache to fulfill all of someone’s wacky
needs. H aven’t you met the type— profes
sional dog groomer by day, amateur crisis
counselor/psychodrama instructor by night,
willing to act as caretaker, lover, career
counselor, real estate agent, mommy and
psychiatrist?
Joe might continue to try to foist Sherry
onto unsuspecting lesbians because it light
ens his burden— he might be the beneficiary
When I broke
it off with her,
she seemed unwilling
to accept reality and
kept calling w riting
sending gifts and
dropping by
of her meltdowns when she’s single.
But, at this point, it’s no longer your
problem. You can just consider his judgment
tainted; don’t trust him for matchmaking,
movie reviews or home decorating tips. J H
— W arning the W orld A bout Sherry
© Meryl Cohn 2002
D ear W arning the W orld A bout S herry :
It sounds like Sherry needs a therapist (or
some medication) a lot more than she needs a
girlfriend. With the proper help, she might feel
a lot better and not act so, well, nutty.
You can warn Sarah about your own
experience with Sherry without being
is the author of Do W hat I Say:
Ms. Behavior’s G uide to G ay and Lesbian
Etiquette (Houghton M ifflin). Her Internet site
is wukv.msbehavior.com. Send questions or cor
respondence to msbehavior@aol.com.
M eryl C o h n
Envy goes both ways.
T N E
VAGINA
MONOLOGUES
A BONA FIDE
PHENOMENON
SEX HAS
NEVER BEEN FUNNIER
OR MORE POIGNANT.”
THE NEW yt«K TIMES
SPREAD THE WORD
July 9-14 • Newmark Theatre
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Portland I nliuiH'