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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (May 17, 2002)
may 17 .2 Û 0 2 . HUMOR ...............▼............... * _• • O M CON H U I T cwr TNIATII j i « r i C A H i l i b t a ■ f I s ? i c o t u r . r » « Urban refusal Why the suburbs suck grew up in Deepest Suburbia. And like so many sensitive, artistic types, I couldn’t wait to get out from under the stifling provincialism of a small town and relocate to a hip, trendy city, where I’d live in a converted loft with lots of windows and a bicycle hanging upside down from the ceiling. To me, the very word “suburban” meant “less than urban,” as in the terms “substandard” or “subhuman.” So I truly do not understand how 1 ended up living in the suburbs. It’s like I got lost one night in a subdevelopment and couldn’t find my way out. Now I wander around my house— Kittle of scotch in hand— slurring along with Peggy Lee as she sings “Is That All There Is?" At this point I could easily develop a drinking prob lem. That is, if 1 didn’t already have one. Apparently I’m not alone. T h ere’s so much depression in the 'hurhs they ought to rename the streets. I imagine giving direc tions: “T h a t’s right, take the Fibromyalgia Freeway until you reach Disappointment Drive. Follow Disappointment until it turns into Disillusionment, then left at the Sylvia Plath School for the Gifted and Frus trated. W e’re the house on the cor ner of Prozac and Zoloft, the one with the shades drawn. If you reach Despair, you’ve gone too far.” Sure, I do enjoy some pristine, “let’s barbecue in the hack yard” kind of moments, hut then I’ll go to Costco to huy supplies and my entire sense of self falls like a house of cards. C ostco gives me the creeps. I’m sorry, hut I just don’t think you should he able to huy olive and motor oil at the same store. And who actually needs a gallon of soy sauce except the Chinese army? Worst of all, however, is the clientele. It’s as if being ugly were a requirement for membership. I look around at some of the pinheaded, buck toothed shoppers, and 1 think, “Well, this is what happens when cousins marry." Once I stopped in the T V section to watch Shrek until I realized I was looking at the closed-circuit view of the store. They travel in pairs, these homely people. The husband always has a crew cut and sweat pants with no underwear, the wife a dried-out perm and visible panty line. Like Jane Goodall studying gorillas, I’m fas cinated as I watch these couples scarf down the free samples. I follow them around the store, mesmerized by their asses undulating in their sweat pants like so many ferrets in a sack. But one question above all others Kims in my brain: Do really ugly people actually turn each other on? Now I’m evolved enough to THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO MARC b y M a r c A cito know there’s more to sexual attraction than just looks, hut c ’mon, admit it, haven’t you always wondered whether two people who look like gargoyles find each other sexy? Unfortunately, this is a question even someone as rude as I dare not ask. You can’t just march up to someone and say: “Hey, buddy, you and your wife are real Kiwzers. Do you two keep your eyes closed when you’re doing it, or what?” But herein lies my continued resistance to the suburbs: If I live in this community with these people, then, by extension, I must be one of them. And that thought sends me right back to the Kittle of scotch and Peggy Lee. For example, my partner and I work out at the local community center because it’s close, not because there’s anyone we want to com mune with. I mean, the place is teeming with heterosexuals. Now don’t get me wrong; I don’t have any thing against straight people— I just don’t like the way they flaunt their lifestyle. The place is so unsexy. Once when I was in the shower I was surprised (and delighted) to hear someone behind me murmur, “W ho’s ranoiaor of the centennial; f of the birthfof rorld-renowhed com poser Y Hi chard Rodgers, p resents s ix new works, I two differlht program s. |set to well-known tunes: •fill! m »-ajjj 'Li’WiûiŒ vour daddy 7” But when I turned around I real- ^ ized it was just someone addressing a lost child. That did* it. I drove straight over to my cool neighbor Brooke’s house. (Well, I dried off and dressed first.) Cool neigh- Kir Brooke left her heart in San Francisco and, therefore, is very PLU (People Like Us). “Hey, neighb, what’s up?” she said. I shared with her the lamentable tale of the shower. “Oh, dude, I completely understand,” she said. “I used to think I was so totally trendy. Now I’m just totally TalNits.” She took a deep breath and sighed. “The fact is, Marc,-you and I actually like the ’burbs, but we resist it because that would mean admitting we simply weren’t cool enough to make it in the city.” How sad but true. Maybe it isn’t the suburbs that suck at all. Maybe I just suck. And that, my friends, is The Gospel According to Marc. JT1 im H U lii D avid W. O wens P. C . & A S S O C I A T E S serving the community since 1975 A t t o r n e y s a t L aw David W. O w en s Brady M. Ricks • o f enunsd Roger Gray* 101 SW M AIN, SUITE 700 • Portland, Oregon 97204 ♦ FAMILY LAW • • • • Domestic Partnerships Formation & Dissolution Adoptions Divorce & Visitation ♦ REAL ESTATE • Home Purchase Reviews ❖ WILLS & TRUSTS • Probate & Trusts • Conservatorships & Guardianships • Advance Directives ❖ BANKRUPTCY • Advising Businesses & Individuals ♦ PERSONAL INJURY M arc A cito is on ana-depressants. He can he reached at marcacito@atthi .com. Richard A. Crew s*t • Auto Accidents Drew C. Hunsinger tlicensed Oregon, W ashington. and Colorado ❖ CRIMINAL 503 224°3 100 ° ❖ LANDLORD/TENANT LAW • Concentration on Landlord Rights ♦ BUSINESS FORMATION & LITIGATION • Corporations, Partnerships, LLCs 8 , LLPs • Commercial Collections of large accounts •fr TAX ISSUES & APPEALS
