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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Dec. 21, 2001)
2L20Q1 50 HUMOR hen I was 8, my parents hired a cleaning woman. I had been a latchkey kid al ready for two years, hut while apparently my 11-year-old brother and 1 didn’t require anyone to look after us, my parents ed the house itself was being neglected. I, for one, was thrilled at the prospect. Having subsisted on a steady diet of Nanny and the Profes sor, The Brady Bunch, Hazel and The Courtship o f Eddie’s Father, I felt certain 1 knew what to expect from domestic help. Not only had 1 seen Mary Poppms and The Sound o f Music, I had memorized the soundtrack albums. (1 know, how gay is that?) 1 was thoroughly prepared for some merry maid to sweep into our quiet, empty house and suddenly transform our lives with just a spoonful of sugar. Imagine my disappointment when 1 finally met Florence, a chain smoker with a bad perm who spent more time bitching to me about her ex-husband than cleaning the house. 1 sought solace in the company o f a woman named Sara Lee instead. A poundful of sugar helps the medicine go down. W hich leads me to how I became a Catholic. You see, insane as it might sound, I actually chose to convert as an adult. Being Italian, of course, I was familiar with the church, hut I wasn’t raised in the faith. Now I hang with a fairly liberal crowd, so I was pretty embarrassed when 1 converted. For a while, 1 had the rare distinction of being open ly gay and a closeted C atholic. People ask me all the time how 1 can possibly belong to a church that doesn’t want me as a member. I refer them to Mary Poppms and The Sound o f Music. You see, with the notable exception of Vic- tor/Victoria, poor Julie Andrews never shook W Mass appeal Praying w ith the enemy decid THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO MARC by M a rc Acito the image of Mary/Maria. I think she failed to understand the huge impact these films have on people’s lives. In both movies, a loving maternal (but vir ginal) figure whose name happens to be the same as Jesus’ mother descends (one from the sky, the other from a mountain) onto an unhappy, dysfunctional family and fills the spirit o f everyone she encounters. If that’s not enough to convince you of the spiritual significance, I’ll remind you that one of the characters is a nun. It’s everywhere, really, this Mary thing. Jesus is the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world, right? Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow. Coincidence? I think not. F. Scott Fitzgerald said, “T he test of a first- rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.” Then again, like many a Catholic, he drank himself to death. My liberal crowd gets very threatened by my faith, although I remind them that the Kennedys are also liberal and Catholic. O ne could argue that they haven’t fared too well, either, but that’s another matter. I had a nervous breakdown in 19%. Actually, truth be told, being wound as tight as I am, I’ve had a number of minor melt downs in my life, but this was the full-tilt, crying-for- three-days, can’t- leave-the-house variety. 1 turned to my friend Paul for strength and guidance. He had weathered years of watching his part ner deteriorate from A ID S and yet still main tained an unshakable conviction in his faith. I poured out my heart, telling Paul of my longing for the church of my ancestors (O K, and the church of Maria, too) and of my resentment against it for its exclusion of me. And 1 asked him that same question everyone asks me now: “How do you belong to a church that doesn’t want you as a member.7” Paul looked me straight in the eye and said with stunning simplicity, “It’s my Jesus, too.” I, for one, do not understand why any sensible person, straight or gay, would want to join the Republican Party, for instance, but I’m sure those queer folks who do feel the same way: It’s my party, and I’ll lie if I want to. Let’s be honest about the one, holy, Catholic and apostolic church. These are the folks who brought us the Inquisition and who tell poor women in developing countries not to use birth control. But Catholics are also the first to step up to protest a death sentence and give food and shelter to the poorest of the poor. W hen I step up to receive communion, 1 feel filled with the holy host and am less likely to eat a whole Sara Lee cake when I’m upset. But I also know that when others see me worshipping among them, it becomes that much more difficult for them to harden their hearts to gay people. It’s my Jesus, too. And that, my friends, is T he Gospel According to Marc. J H MARC A cito wishes you all a merry whatever. 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