2L20Q1
50
HUMOR
hen I was 8, my parents hired a cleaning
woman. I had been a latchkey kid al
ready for two years, hut while apparently
my 11-year-old brother and 1 didn’t
require anyone to look after us, my parents
ed the house itself was being neglected.
I, for one, was thrilled at the prospect. Having
subsisted on a steady diet of Nanny and the Profes
sor, The Brady Bunch, Hazel and The Courtship o f
Eddie’s Father, I felt certain 1 knew what to expect
from domestic help. Not only had 1 seen Mary
Poppms and The Sound o f Music, I had memorized
the soundtrack albums. (1 know, how gay is that?)
1 was thoroughly prepared for some merry maid
to sweep into our quiet, empty house and suddenly
transform our lives with just a spoonful of sugar.
Imagine my disappointment when 1 finally
met Florence, a chain smoker with a bad perm
who spent more time bitching to me about her
ex-husband than cleaning the house. 1 sought
solace in the company o f a woman named Sara
Lee instead. A poundful of sugar helps the
medicine go down.
W hich leads me to how I became a
Catholic.
You see, insane as it might sound, I actually
chose to convert as an adult. Being Italian, of
course, I was familiar with the church, hut I
wasn’t raised in the faith.
Now I hang with a fairly liberal crowd, so I
was pretty embarrassed when 1 converted. For a
while, 1 had the rare distinction of being open
ly gay and a closeted C atholic.
People ask me all the time how 1 can possibly
belong to a church that doesn’t want me as a
member. I refer them to Mary Poppms and The
Sound o f Music.
You see, with the notable exception of Vic-
tor/Victoria, poor Julie Andrews never shook
W
Mass appeal
Praying w ith the enemy
decid
THE GOSPEL
ACCORDING
TO MARC
by M a rc Acito
the image of Mary/Maria. I think she failed to
understand the huge impact these films have
on people’s lives.
In both movies, a loving maternal (but vir
ginal) figure whose name happens to be the
same as Jesus’ mother descends (one from the
sky, the other from a mountain) onto an
unhappy, dysfunctional family and fills the spirit
o f everyone she encounters. If that’s not enough
to convince you of the spiritual significance, I’ll
remind you that one of the characters is a nun.
It’s everywhere, really, this Mary thing. Jesus
is the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of
the world, right? Mary had a little lamb, its fleece
was white as snow. Coincidence? I think not.
F. Scott Fitzgerald said, “T he test of a first-
rate intelligence is the ability to hold two
opposed ideas in the mind at the same time and
still retain the ability to function.” Then again,
like many a Catholic, he drank himself to death.
My liberal crowd gets very threatened by my
faith, although I remind them that the
Kennedys are also liberal and Catholic. O ne
could argue that they
haven’t fared too well,
either, but that’s
another matter.
I had a nervous
breakdown in 19%.
Actually, truth be
told, being wound
as tight as I am,
I’ve had a number
of minor melt
downs in my life,
but this was the
full-tilt, crying-for-
three-days, can’t-
leave-the-house
variety.
1 turned to my
friend Paul for
strength and guidance.
He had weathered years of watching his part
ner deteriorate from A ID S and yet still main
tained an unshakable conviction in his faith.
I poured out my heart, telling Paul of my
longing for the church of my ancestors (O K,
and the church of Maria, too) and of my
resentment against it for its exclusion of me.
And 1 asked him that same question everyone
asks me now: “How do you belong to a church
that doesn’t want you as a member.7”
Paul looked me straight in the eye and said
with stunning simplicity, “It’s my
Jesus, too.”
I, for one, do not understand
why any sensible person, straight
or gay, would want to join the
Republican Party, for instance, but
I’m sure those queer folks who do
feel the same way: It’s my party, and
I’ll lie if I want to.
Let’s be honest about
the one, holy, Catholic
and apostolic church.
These are the folks
who brought us the
Inquisition and who
tell poor women in
developing countries
not to use birth
control. But
Catholics are also
the first to step up
to protest a death
sentence and give
food and shelter to
the poorest of the poor.
W hen I step up to
receive communion, 1 feel
filled with the holy host and am
less likely to eat a whole Sara Lee cake when
I’m upset. But I also know that when others see
me worshipping among them, it becomes that
much more difficult for them to harden their
hearts to gay people.
It’s my Jesus, too.
And that, my friends, is T he Gospel
According to Marc. J H
MARC A cito wishes you all a merry whatever.
E-mail him at m arcacito@ atthi.com .
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