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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (July 20, 2001)
» july 2a 2QQ1 18 H ard H abit to B reak ost people have difficulty un derstanding the concept of sex addiction. Their first thought might he, “Yeah, right, aren’t we all?” But listen to the experiences of Steve (not his real name), and you’ll realize this is no laugh ing matter. He is actively involved with Port Support group reaches out to sex addicts by R ichard B ray land’s chapter of Sex Addicts Anonymous, a 12- step program based on the principles of Alco holics Anonymous. Steve likens sex addiction to an eating disor ual when I didn’t feel sex Steve’s story is personal, and he’s quick to der. “Food and sex are both normal— we gotta ual, and my career was af emphasize he doesn’t speak for have ’em.” fected by it. More and the support group. Although | Steve’s behavior in- more I was using amyl ni fewer than one-quarter of the 8 eluded public sex, book- trate and alcohol.” men who attend the meetings But in the end, Steve says it’s about pow | stores, sex clubs and, well, are gay, he says SA A is open | just lots of promiscuous erlessness, “saying we’re going to change, say to all orientations. g sex. “When I came out, ing we’re going to sto p ...then not being able Steve admits homosexuals to, even when the consequences are getting ^ promiscuous »ex was the often have legitimate con way to go. I was a young really bad. Some of us risked arrest.” cerns about their comfort gay man, I was very promis The subject of AIDS comes up, of course. level with straight people in the room. But cuous and had a great time. What happened Despite years of promiscuous, often unsafe sex, research actually points to a higher level of to me was that 1 started crossing lines of Steve is HIV-negative. He attributes this to dumb effectiveness in mixed groups, something he behavior 1 said I would never cross. I was sex luck, like winning a game of Russian roulette. attributes to the bond they feel Steve has had trouble maintain around their common problem. ing solid relationships because of “Straight or gay, man or both his infidelity and a lack of woman, it makes absolutely no genuine intimacy. He also laments difference,” Steve says. “Open ccording to Sex Addicts Anonymous, if you answer yes to more than one of the greatest costs of his ness needs to be both ways, and one of these 12 questions, you might need help. addiction: lost time. the issue really needs to be telling “It’s no fun to be an old queer the truth.” 1. Do you keep secrets about your sexual or romantic activities from in a bookstore," Steve reveals. Steve belies the profile one those important to you? Do you lead a double life? “When 1 was young I used to pity might expect of a sex addict. He 2. Have your needs driven you to have sex in places or situations or those older men in those places. I is handsome, in his mid-40s and with people you normally would not choose? was this young man in a candy articulate. Social stigmas con 3. Do you find yourself looking for sexually arousing articles or scenes store, but when I got older, every tribute to the shame and fear sex in newspapers, magazines or other media? thing turned around.” addicts privately endure. 4. Do you find that romantic or sexual fantasies interfere with your The fear, the secrets and the Steve has been there and relationships or are preventing you from facing problems? lies eventually became too much back and, like most recently 5. Do you frequently want to get away from a sex partner after having for Steve. “I’d see people who said, converted, is enthusiastic. How sex? Do you frequently feel remorse, shame or guilt after a sexual ‘I saw you the other day,’ and I ever, he readily admits it’s an encounter? would just cringe, thinking, ‘Oh ongoing battle. 6. Do you feel shame about your body or your sexuality, such that you my God, where had they seen avoid touching your body or engaging in sexual relationships? Do you fear me?’ ” lthough much of the litera that you have no sexual feelings, that you are asexual? Finally, Steve hit rock bottom. “I ture for SA A is filled with 7. Does each new relationship continue to have the same destructive was exhausted. All my unstructured buzzwords like “acting out,” patterns that prompted you to leave the last relationship? time was spent acting out, years of “triggers” and “slippery behav 8. Is it taking more variety and frequency of sexual and romantic activ my life wasted.” iors,” one factor seems to define ities than previously to bring the same levels of excitement and relief? After spending a great deal of sex addiction: lack of control. 9. Have you ever been arrested or are you in danger of being arrested time trying to stop his compulsive Whether it’s masturbation, because of your practices of voyeurism, exhibitionism, prostitution, sex behavior on his own, Steve discov cruising or prostitution, Steve with minors, indecent phone calls, etc.? ered SAA, and the recovery process explains, the problem starts 10. Does your pursuit of sex or romantic relationships interfere with began. He attends meetings regular when we become “powerless your spiritual beliefs or development? ly, counsels others with similar prob- over our behavior.” 11. Do your sexual activities include the ride, threat or reality of dis- lems and works to overcome his Unlike alcoholics, who have ease, pregnancy, coercion or violence? own demons, one day at a time. the option just to “put the plug 12. Has your sexual or romantic behavior ever left you feeling hopeless, in the jug,” sex addicts cannot alienated from others or suicidal? uring a recent SA A meeting, necessarily put the behavior about 25 people formed a away completely. This isn’t sub © Sex Addicts Anonymous, 2001 rough circle. The addicts, mostly - 661 861 rawm - 6isR 8668 m 6 v stance abuse. men ranging in age from their early S elf -A ssessment Q uiz A A D ~ -■ ' v M " 20s to their 60s, came in all shapes and sizes. The mood in the room was relaxed but with a definite serious undertone. These people were here for a reason. The loosely structured meeting began with a few readings about SA A , its goals and the pro gram itself. Someone read the “ 12 Steps of Sex Addicts Anonymous,” very similar to the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Most of the hour was devoted to five- minute segments in which various attendees took turns talking about their behaviors a n d . how they felt about them. These small confes sionals always start with the familiar refrain, “My name is...and I’m a sex addict.” Last names never are used. Similar habits were mentioned repeatedly: pornography, phone sex, public sex, mastur bation and extramarital sexual activity. Internet addiction was another recurring theme. Steve says cyberspace is the “crack cocaine of the sex addict’s world.” It is readily available, is relatively cheap and can be accessed 24 hours a day. Add to that the bene fits of complete anonymity, and you have a recipe for disaster. Divorces were cited. Prostitution was men tioned more than once. It’s obvious these peo ple no longer had control over the content, quality or quantity of their own sex lives. Unlike the somewhat similar Sexaholics, SA A does not necessarily reject any sex out side of marriage nor masturbation— something Steve acknowledges is “a little bit impossible for most gay people or, for that matter, people straight or gay.” Steve says the group doesn’t take a stand on what is healthy or unhealthy sexual be havior, instead choosing to focus on loss of control and sharing support. “If people are hurting, we just want them to know there’s a place they can go.” J H S ex A ddicts A nonymous can be reached at its Portland hot line, 503-452-596/. The national Internet site is uwu i.soa-recovery-org. Peace. Trust. Respect. Providing quality funeral, cremation and cemetery services with care, compassion and dignity. J )ig n ity " www.dignitymemorial .com www.BestHalf.com Caldwell’s Colonial Chapel Ross Hollywood Chapel 20N .E . 14th Ave. Portland, OR 97232 4733 N.E. Thompson Portland, OR 97213 (503) 232-4111 (503) 281-1800 Sunnyside Little Chapel of the Chimes 11667 S.E. 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