» july 2a 2QQ1
18
H ard H abit
to B reak
ost people have difficulty un
derstanding the concept of sex
addiction. Their first thought
might he, “Yeah, right, aren’t
we all?”
But listen to the experiences of Steve (not
his real name), and you’ll realize this is no laugh
ing matter. He is actively involved with Port Support group reaches out to sex addicts by R ichard B ray
land’s chapter of Sex Addicts Anonymous, a 12-
step program based on the principles of Alco
holics Anonymous.
Steve likens sex addiction to an eating disor ual when I didn’t feel sex
Steve’s story is personal, and he’s quick to der. “Food and sex are both normal— we gotta ual, and my career was af
emphasize he doesn’t speak for
have ’em.”
fected by it. More and
the support group. Although
|
Steve’s behavior in- more I was using amyl ni
fewer than one-quarter of the
8 eluded public sex, book-
trate and alcohol.”
men who attend the meetings
But in the end, Steve says it’s about pow
| stores, sex clubs and, well,
are gay, he says SA A is open
| just lots of promiscuous erlessness, “saying we’re going to change, say
to all orientations.
g sex. “When I came out,
ing we’re going to sto p ...then not being able
Steve admits homosexuals
to, even when the consequences are getting
^ promiscuous »ex was the
often have legitimate con
way to go. I was a young really bad. Some of us risked arrest.”
cerns about their comfort
gay man, I was very promis
The subject of AIDS comes up, of course.
level with straight people in the room. But cuous and had a great time. What happened
Despite years of promiscuous, often unsafe sex,
research actually points to a higher level of to me was that 1 started crossing lines of Steve is HIV-negative. He attributes this to dumb
effectiveness in mixed groups, something he behavior 1 said I would never cross. I was sex luck, like winning a game of Russian roulette.
attributes to the bond they feel
Steve has had trouble maintain
around their common problem.
ing solid relationships because of
“Straight or gay, man or
both his infidelity and a lack of
woman, it makes absolutely no
genuine intimacy. He also laments
difference,” Steve says. “Open
ccording to Sex Addicts Anonymous, if you answer yes to more than
one of the greatest costs of his
ness needs to be both ways, and
one of these 12 questions, you might need help.
addiction: lost time.
the issue really needs to be telling
“It’s no fun to be an old queer
the truth.”
1. Do you keep secrets about your sexual or romantic activities from
in a bookstore," Steve reveals.
Steve belies the profile one
those important to you? Do you lead a double life?
“When 1 was young I used to pity
might expect of a sex addict. He
2. Have your needs driven you to have sex in places or situations or
those older men in those places. I
is handsome, in his mid-40s and
with people you normally would not choose?
was this young man in a candy
articulate. Social stigmas con
3. Do you find yourself looking for sexually arousing articles or scenes
store, but when I got older, every
tribute to the shame and fear sex
in newspapers, magazines or other media?
thing turned around.”
addicts privately endure.
4. Do you find that romantic or sexual fantasies interfere with your
The fear, the secrets and the
Steve has been there and
relationships or are preventing you from facing problems?
lies eventually became too much
back and, like most recently
5. Do you frequently want to get away from a sex partner after having
for Steve. “I’d see people who said,
converted, is enthusiastic. How
sex? Do you frequently feel remorse, shame or guilt after a sexual
‘I saw you the other day,’ and I
ever, he readily admits it’s an
encounter?
would just cringe, thinking, ‘Oh
ongoing battle.
6. Do you feel shame about your body or your sexuality, such that you
my God, where had they seen
avoid touching your body or engaging in sexual relationships? Do you fear
me?’ ”
lthough much of the litera
that you have no sexual feelings, that you are asexual?
Finally, Steve hit rock bottom. “I
ture for SA A is filled with
7. Does each new relationship continue to have the same destructive
was exhausted. All my unstructured
buzzwords like “acting out,”
patterns that prompted you to leave the last relationship?
time was spent acting out, years of
“triggers” and “slippery behav
8. Is it taking more variety and frequency of sexual and romantic activ
my life wasted.”
iors,” one factor seems to define
ities than previously to bring the same levels of excitement and relief?
After spending a great deal of
sex addiction: lack of control.
9. Have you ever been arrested or are you in danger of being arrested
time trying to stop his compulsive
Whether it’s masturbation,
because of your practices of voyeurism, exhibitionism, prostitution, sex
behavior on his own, Steve discov
cruising or prostitution, Steve
with minors, indecent phone calls, etc.?
ered SAA, and the recovery process
explains, the problem starts
10. Does your pursuit of sex or romantic relationships interfere with
began. He attends meetings regular
when we become “powerless
your spiritual beliefs or development?
ly, counsels others with similar prob-
over our behavior.”
11. Do your sexual activities include the ride, threat or reality of dis-
lems and works to overcome his
Unlike alcoholics, who have
ease, pregnancy, coercion or violence?
own demons, one day at a time.
the option just to “put the plug
12. Has your sexual or romantic behavior ever left you feeling hopeless,
in the jug,” sex addicts cannot
alienated from others or suicidal?
uring a recent SA A meeting,
necessarily put the behavior
about 25 people formed a
away completely. This isn’t sub
© Sex Addicts Anonymous, 2001
rough circle. The addicts, mostly
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stance abuse.
men ranging in age from their early
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20s to their 60s, came in all shapes and sizes.
The mood in the room was relaxed but with
a definite serious undertone. These people were
here for a reason.
The loosely structured meeting began with a
few readings about SA A , its goals and the pro
gram itself. Someone read the “ 12 Steps of Sex
Addicts Anonymous,” very similar to the 12
steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Most of the hour was devoted to five-
minute segments in which various attendees
took turns talking about their behaviors a n d .
how they felt about them. These small confes
sionals always start with the familiar refrain,
“My name is...and I’m a sex addict.” Last
names never are used.
Similar habits were mentioned repeatedly:
pornography, phone sex, public sex, mastur
bation and extramarital sexual activity.
Internet addiction was another recurring
theme. Steve says cyberspace is the “crack
cocaine of the sex addict’s world.” It is readily
available, is relatively cheap and can be
accessed 24 hours a day. Add to that the bene
fits of complete anonymity, and you have a
recipe for disaster.
Divorces were cited. Prostitution was men
tioned more than once. It’s obvious these peo
ple no longer had control over the content,
quality or quantity of their own sex lives.
Unlike the somewhat similar Sexaholics,
SA A does not necessarily reject any sex out
side of marriage nor masturbation— something
Steve acknowledges is “a little bit impossible
for most gay people or, for that matter, people
straight or gay.”
Steve says the group doesn’t take a stand
on what is healthy or unhealthy sexual be
havior, instead choosing to focus on loss of
control and sharing support. “If people are
hurting, we just want them to know there’s a
place they can go.” J H
S ex A ddicts A nonymous can be reached at its
Portland hot line, 503-452-596/. The national
Internet site is uwu i.soa-recovery-org.
Peace. Trust. Respect.
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