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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (April 6, 2001)
ince divorcing my wife and coming out five years ago, I have had a string of short-term relationships. W ith each rela tionship, I string another pearl. Most of these relationships last only months, and some of the breakups are painful. Sometimes pain best drives the point home. Through these seemingly insignificant relationships, I am learning more about my self and how 1 lose myself in rela tionships. N ot anchored, I am swept away by another’s em o tions, opinions or moods. 1 lose my power. I am learning when I lose my power I short-cir cuit any chance of a meaningful relationship. 1 become resentful. These power outages generate anger, mostly with myself. 1 have heard that anger is based on unmet needs. Not addressing my needs is one way I lose my power, and losing myself is a key reason my relationships break up. The longest I ever dated a man was nine months. I had hoped to create a relationship of equals, yet I was not grounded enough in my own identity to withstand his strength. 1 did not hold true to my values. Fearing his judgment, I could not express my tme feelings, needs and desires. For him, 1 took up tennis, although 1 did not enjoy it. As a couple, we did all the things he loved and too seldom the activities I enjoyed. Trying to appear perfect, I edited my con versation. I was reluctant to share all my beliefs about religion and relationships for S S aturn E ast SATLRN Visit our sh ow room at 247th & S E Stark, call us at 1-800-527-0231 or online at w w w .satu rn east.com Confessions of a late bloomer Short-circuiting relationships fear he would not approve. I was afraid of losing him. 1 was fearful of being abandoned. A t the root of my fears was the fear of being alone. I felt I had to change to keep him. “If only 1 was buffer, blonder, smoother, smarter or richer,” I thought. “If only, if only, I was enough.” By even contemplating changing, I was not being true to myself. Not in touch with my true self, I lost my footing. 1 became untethered. My anchor broke, and I drifted out to sea. As 1 became aware, con fident and content with all I am, I found dry land. I am learning, “I am enough.” After ending a re cent phone conversa tion with a friend, 1 was exhausted. Like a psychic leach, she drained every bit of energy I had. I am learning not to blame but to examine. Accepting responsibil ity, I asked, “W hat am I here to learn?” I saw, once again, I was losing my power. Playing her parent, 1 had tried to fix her brokenness. I had given advice when she had asked for none. The next time we talked, 1 just listened. This time, 1 did not make her problems my own. In both friendship and dating, I want a rela tionship of equals. No longer will I sacrifice myself for another. In my next relationship, I will stake my flag and shout, “I am!” I will be watchful for when my power is waning. I will be aware when, like acid, fear bubbles forth. I will address concerns despite my fear of afraid of being alone. I will not change myself for anyone nor try to change him or her, either. I will not become the parent or, worse, play the role of a child. I will enjoy the rela tionship for what it is today instead of fantasizing about the future. I will see my friends and lovers for who they are and not the people I want them to be. I will remember inti macy starts with sharing self, yet I will stop giving to the point I resent it. I will allow others to give to me in return. But most of all, I will stay true to self and my values. I will remember all love begins with loving me. In the past, I looked in the eyes of strangers searching for someone to complete me. I now look into the mirror knowing my search has come to an end. I am grateful for these precious pearls and the exquisite necklace they are forming. Now more secure, confident and complete, I can stand steadfast in a relationship of equals. My personal power in place, I will not be swayed. JH R A N D Y S ie g e l is a free-lance writer, trainer, speaker and coach. 10 warning signs for personal power outages 1. Not discussing concerns for fear of con flict or losing the other person. 2. Feeling like a child around your lover. 3. Acting like his parent. 4. Role-playing. Acting charming, overcon fident, cheerful around the other person. 5. Giving more than comes back, some times to the point of resentment. 6. Fast-forwarding into the future while losing touch with the present. 7. Trying to change the person. Offering too much advice. 8. Ignoring inappropriate behavior. 9. Hoping your partner will change if only 1 am enough. 10. Obsessing about the cither person or the relationship.
