ince divorcing my wife and coming out
five years ago, I have had a string of
short-term relationships. W ith each rela
tionship, I string another pearl.
Most of these relationships last only
months, and some of the breakups are painful.
Sometimes pain best drives the point home.
Through these seemingly insignificant
relationships, I am learning more about my
self and how 1 lose myself in rela
tionships. N ot anchored, I am
swept away by another’s em o
tions, opinions or moods.
1 lose my power. I am learning
when I lose my power I short-cir
cuit any chance of a meaningful
relationship.
1 become resentful. These power
outages generate anger, mostly with
myself.
1 have heard that anger is based
on unmet needs. Not addressing
my needs is one way I lose my
power, and losing myself is a key
reason my relationships break up.
The longest I ever dated a man
was nine months. I had hoped to
create a relationship of equals, yet I
was not grounded enough in my
own identity to withstand his strength.
1 did not hold true to my values. Fearing his
judgment, I could not express my tme feelings,
needs and desires.
For him, 1 took up tennis, although 1 did not
enjoy it. As a couple, we did all the things he
loved and too seldom the activities I enjoyed.
Trying to appear perfect, I edited my con
versation. I was reluctant to share all my
beliefs about religion and relationships for
S
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Confessions of a late bloomer
Short-circuiting relationships
fear he would not approve.
I was afraid of losing him. 1 was fearful of
being abandoned.
A t the root of my fears was the fear of being
alone. I felt I had to change to keep him.
“If only 1 was buffer, blonder, smoother,
smarter or richer,” I thought. “If only, if only, I
was enough.”
By even contemplating changing, I was not
being true to myself. Not in touch with my
true self, I lost my footing.
1 became untethered. My
anchor broke, and I drifted
out to sea.
As 1 became aware, con
fident and content with all I
am, I found dry land. I
am learning, “I am
enough.”
After ending a re
cent phone conversa
tion with a friend, 1
was exhausted. Like a
psychic leach, she
drained every bit of
energy I had.
I am learning not to
blame but to examine.
Accepting responsibil
ity, I asked, “W hat am I
here to learn?”
I saw, once again, I
was losing my power. Playing her parent, 1 had
tried to fix her brokenness.
I had given advice when she had asked for
none. The next time we talked, 1 just listened.
This time, 1 did not make her problems my own.
In both friendship and dating, I want a rela
tionship of equals. No longer will I sacrifice
myself for another. In my next relationship, I
will stake my flag and shout, “I am!”
I will be watchful for when my power is
waning. I will be aware when, like acid, fear
bubbles forth.
I will address concerns despite my fear of
afraid of being alone.
I will not change myself for anyone nor try
to change him or her, either. I will not become
the parent or, worse, play
the role of a child.
I will enjoy the rela
tionship for what it is
today instead of fantasizing
about the future. I will see
my friends and lovers for
who they are and not the
people I want them to be.
I will remember inti
macy starts with sharing
self, yet I will stop giving to
the point I resent it. I will
allow others to give to me in
return.
But most of all, I will stay true to self and
my values. I will remember all love begins
with loving me.
In the past, I looked in the eyes of strangers
searching for someone to complete me. I now
look into the mirror knowing my search has
come to an end.
I am grateful for these precious pearls and the
exquisite necklace they are forming. Now more
secure, confident and complete, I can stand
steadfast in a relationship of equals. My personal
power in place, I will not be swayed. JH
R A N D Y S ie g e l is a free-lance writer, trainer,
speaker and coach.
10 warning signs for
personal power outages
1. Not discussing concerns for fear of con
flict or losing the other person.
2. Feeling like a child around your lover.
3. Acting like his parent.
4. Role-playing. Acting charming, overcon
fident, cheerful around the other person.
5. Giving more than comes back, some
times to the point of resentment.
6. Fast-forwarding into the future while
losing touch with the present.
7. Trying to change the person. Offering too
much advice.
8. Ignoring inappropriate behavior.
9. Hoping your partner will change if only 1
am enough.
10. Obsessing about the cither person or the
relationship.