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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Dec. 1, 2000)
» dflcfltnhflf 1. 2000 24 Thoughts on overcoming holiday blahs The lucky ones among us really do get the Hallmark Holiday Experience. But for the rest of us, this time of year can m ean dashed hopes, tarnished fantasies and even descent into a winter of depression. So for the glum among us we offer som e expert advice on coping with the challenges of the season. A psychologist talks us down off the emotional roller coaster ride by M arilyn J . S oren sen , P h .D . he holidays can be an exciting, fun time but stressful just the same. For some, however, these coming weeks present a time of tremen dous pressure and conflicting emotions. For example, consider Marta, who has sad memories o f childhood holidays in which her father was usually drunk and abusive. For her, the holidays conjure up negative emotions o f disappointment and unpleasant scenes. Or consider Jeff, whose family never has accepted his homosexuality. During this time when family traditions are touted, he will not travel to be with his parents and siblings, although his mother will pressure him to do so. Two major scenarios seem to depict people’s attitudes about the holidays: First are those who have happy memories, self-confidence and a healthy view of themselves as a result of stable and sup portive environments. They are able to set appropriate boundaries concerning their time and their finances and fully enjoy the planning, the preparation and the actual holiday events as they unfold. They feel secure in refusing invitations, sticking to their budgets and deciding exactly what their holidays will entail. For them, these weeks might be stressful, but it is good stress nevertheless, so the positive feelings and results outweigh the negative impact. Second are the people who are conflicted about their early years, individuals who come from dysfunctional homes and who have devel- what they think they have missed, they try frantically to manufacture the magical holiday season that society proclaims to be possible by overdecorating, overspend ing, planning big parties or oped an insecurity about meals and totally exhausting themselves and their themselves in the process. right to set their own Frequently, their need to boundaries. They often achieve this fantasy also have low self-esteem. involves others as they O f these people, commandeer family mem some hate the holi bers to fulfill their projects days and per and pressure friends and Marilyn J. Sorensen ceive them family to comply with their as a time when they must bow wishes. All too often, these individuals feel a to the expectations of others, sense o f disappointment and resentment spending money they don’t afterward, when they realize that they were really have, devoting time to unable to capture the experience they so something they don’t really desperately desired and that others seeming want to do, shopping for ly failed to acknowledge their elaborate gifts for people they don’t efforts in the way they had hoped. even like and attending func Low self-esteem forms in childhood, and tions with people they other although many adults are not aware of exactly wise would avoid. Because of how it happened or even that they have it, the anxiety and self-doubt that those who do have it experience a sense of accompany low self-esteem, they inadequacy and powerlessness. They feel too think they have no choices and that they passive, too fearful to go against the tide of are not in control but that they instead have expectations. to please others and have to go along with the They feel embarrassed to say they don’t plans of those around them. really have the money to participate in a gift Still others suffer from feelings of inade exchange, they feel too inadequate to make quacy and experience a sense of loss from dis decisions others might not like. They are reluc appointments and lack of nurturing during tant to speak up and say what they really feel, their early years. In an attempt to recapture what they really want to do or not do, what If you suffer from low self-esteem or feel conflicted about the holidays, you can choose to begin to take control or your lire now. l
