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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Jan. 7, 2000)
Selling out What would—or wouldn’t—-you do for a million bucks? K, I admit it. I’ve been watching this tele vision show, Who Wants to Be a Million aire? The game itself is incredibly stupid. The questions are those random kind that you just either know or don’t know. But it seems like everyone is obsessed with this show, and that’s no big surprise. Americans are fascinated by money, and by other people trying to win money. And who doesn’t want to be a million aire? Those of us who don’t have it want to see other people get it, or at least lose in the chase, while we sit at home going, “I would have gotten that one.” While ratings for Who Wants to Be a Millionaire ? have been stellar, the show seems to be dip ping a bit now that someone really has won the million. I ______ I think, though, that with a little i i bit of tweaking they could get the show back on top. The trick is to simply play to other great American obsessions. Imagine, for example, Who Wants to Weigh 500 Pounds? Next to money, weight is the greatest American obsession. Many of us are trying to lose a few pounds, and thin is most definitely in. But what would happen if we offered people money to gain weight? In this variation of the game show, thin, beautiful people would be given the chance to make big money by getting fat. For every pound they would be given a cash prize, with the amount increasing at various levels. The first few pounds probably wouldn’t be a big deal. Most people would be willing to pack on 10 or 20 pounds if they were given, say, five or ten thousand dollars. Losing that extra weight wouldn’t be too awful. But what would happen when the stakes were raised to 50 or 100 pounds? How many of us would gain that much weight for cash? Especially if we were As the weeks went on, they would have to thing. Imagine watching people decide how decide if a same-sex kiss was worth the cash much being perceived as gay is worth. Would payout, whether being the passive partner in they stop at $32,000, or would they only be oral sex for $16,000 was preferable to being the willing to be gay for $120,000? How much active partner for $25,000, and, in the final would it take to buy off male fears about suck week, if being anally penetrated on national ing dick and taking it up the butt? I’d love to television could be paid for with half a million. find out. Just like on Who Wants to Be a O f course, we already have some idea of m u l i n i c i,, Millujnaire?, contestants would be what the answer is. “Straight” pom actors ir fT T T iT I I Y H T t T I r T T T H * E l i , allowed to stop at any point and regularly get paid different sums for assum • ^ r n r T T t r B B i rr 1TTT f T T l V V I M V l l f walk away with the cash they’d itiinim Tn^i,, ing different positions in their films. Much .TfM tnifiW HM rrT,. accumulated. If they agreed to go of the gay world watched, literally, as r iiv n im « « r r r n i r n i n i— 1 fTTT rn rmwnr- pom icon Ryan Idol went from being a m rrrn im ^ M V 'T ir straight guy who would only allow other r rurrrriim^Bun' n i I itti n r o M M tn i’ actors to blow him to a skilled cocksucker - n i f f f r T r n — ^ , 1 rrT 'r n rrriT T m ^ p ^ . himself. With each film, Idol did a little 'T in in m a a B j,,. more, as long as he was paid rirrr-TVfMBH«n- .. more. And he isn’t alone. Holly wood is filled with actors who on, and did not per will play gay as long as the form the assigned paycheck is large enough. task successfully, their But what about those folks money would be who keep their real-life queer taken away and they ness secret for exactly the would be left with same reason. How many peo nothing. ple are there who are willing Should a contes to keep quiet for money, trad tant reach the final ing who they are for the securi level and pass the ty of a paycheck and contin ued status? How many of us choose to do it in both small and large ways on a anal sex test, he would be rewarded with not daily basis? Like the contestants in these game only a complete new Hugo Boss wardrobe and shows, do we continually weigh what our iden an entire collection of Erasure albums, but also tities are worth, selling ourselves for another with the keys to a condo in South Beach and a week of living large if the risk seems too great? lifetime subscription to both Out and Genre. Yes, money can make people do a lot of But lest he be swayed by all these gifts, he things they would never do for free. But some would have one final decision to make. He times you have to wonder at what cost. could choose to remain homosexual, or he could trade it all for a smaller cash settlement, a ■ M ichael T homas F ord is the Lambda Liter return to heterosexuality and the destruction of ary Award-winning author of Alec Baldwin Does all tapes of the show. n’t Love Me and T hat’s Mr. Faggot to You. This would be even better than the fat Write to him at Shopiltee@aol.com. ¿ Imagine watching people decide how much being perceived as gay is worth. Would they stop at $32,000, or would they only be willing to be gay for $120,000? really weight-conscious to begin with. It would be a fascinating stniggle between beauty and wealth. If you had, for example, a bunch of super models or aerobics instmctors, watching them decide between thinness and retirement would provide weeks of fun. Every episode would involve weighing the contestants and asking them if they wanted to progress to the next level of obesity. The host could wave platters of cupcakes before their anxious faces, tempting them to ever-greater levels of hugeness just for the sake of taking home that elusive half a mil lion. It would be human drama at its most the atrical. Or what about Who Wants to Be a Homosex ual? That would be even better. Heterosexual contestants— preferably men— would be pre sented with a series of choices, each one lead ing them closer and closer to a queer life. The first step might be agreeing to spend a night out dancing in a gay bar, say for $2,500. From there they would be challenged to march in a pride parade wearing only leather shorts, walk ing down a main street of some medium-sized Midwestern city holding hands with someone of the same gender, coming out to a family member and attending a Liza Minnelli concert. ü ................ ..................................... i....... 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