Selling out
What would—or wouldn’t—-you do for a million bucks?
K, I admit it. I’ve been watching this tele
vision show, Who Wants to Be a Million
aire?
The game itself is incredibly stupid.
The questions are those random kind that you
just either know or don’t know. But it seems
like everyone is obsessed with this show, and
that’s no big surprise. Americans are fascinated
by money, and by other people trying to win
money. And who doesn’t want to be a million
aire? Those of us who don’t have
it want to see other people get it,
or at least lose in the chase,
while we sit at home going, “I
would have gotten that one.”
While ratings for Who Wants
to Be a Millionaire ? have been
stellar, the show seems to be dip
ping a bit now that someone
really has won the million. I
______ I
think, though, that with a little
i i
bit of tweaking they could get
the show back on top. The trick
is to simply play to other great
American obsessions.
Imagine, for example, Who
Wants to Weigh 500 Pounds? Next
to money, weight is the greatest
American obsession. Many of us
are trying to lose a few pounds,
and thin is most definitely in.
But what would happen if we
offered people money to gain
weight? In this variation of the
game show, thin, beautiful people
would be given the chance to
make big money by getting fat.
For every pound they would be
given a cash prize, with the
amount increasing at various levels.
The first few pounds probably wouldn’t be a
big deal. Most people would be willing to pack
on 10 or 20 pounds if they were given, say, five
or ten thousand dollars. Losing that extra
weight wouldn’t be too awful. But what would
happen when the stakes were raised to 50 or
100 pounds? How many of us would gain that
much weight for cash? Especially if we were
As the weeks went on, they would have to
thing. Imagine watching people decide how
decide if a same-sex kiss was worth the cash
much being perceived as gay is worth. Would
payout, whether being the passive partner in
they stop at $32,000, or would they only be
oral sex for $16,000 was preferable to being the
willing to be gay for $120,000? How much
active partner for $25,000, and, in the final
would it take to buy off male fears about suck
week, if being anally penetrated on national
ing dick and taking it up the butt? I’d love to
television could be paid for with half a million.
find out.
Just like on Who Wants to Be a
O f course, we already have some idea of
m u l i n i c i,,
Millujnaire?, contestants would be
what the answer is. “Straight” pom actors
ir fT T T iT I I
Y H T t T I r T T T H * E l i ,
allowed to stop at any point and
regularly get paid different sums for assum
• ^ r n r T T t r B B i rr
1TTT f T T l V V I M V l l f
walk away with the cash they’d
itiinim Tn^i,,
ing different positions in their films. Much
.TfM tnifiW HM rrT,.
accumulated. If they agreed to go
of the gay world watched, literally, as
r iiv n im « « r r r
n i r n i n i—
1 fTTT rn rmwnr- pom icon Ryan Idol went from being a
m rrrn im ^ M V 'T ir
straight guy who would only allow other
r rurrrriim^Bun'
n i I itti n r o M M tn i’
actors to blow him to a skilled cocksucker
- n i f f f r T r n — ^ , 1 rrT
'r n rrriT T m ^ p ^ .
himself. With each film, Idol did a little
'T in in m a a B j,,.
more, as long as he was paid
rirrr-TVfMBH«n- ..
more.
And he isn’t alone. Holly
wood is filled with actors who
on, and did not per
will play gay as long as the
form the assigned
paycheck is large enough.
task successfully, their
But what about those folks
money would be
who keep their real-life queer
taken away and they
ness secret for exactly the
would be left with
same reason. How many peo
nothing.
ple are there who are willing
Should a contes
to keep quiet for money, trad
tant reach the final
ing who they are for the securi
level and pass the
ty of a paycheck and contin
ued status?
How many
of us choose
to do it in
both small and
large ways on a
anal sex test, he would be rewarded with not
daily basis? Like the contestants in these game
only a complete new Hugo Boss wardrobe and
shows, do we continually weigh what our iden
an entire collection of Erasure albums, but also
tities are worth, selling ourselves for another
with the keys to a condo in South Beach and a
week of living large if the risk seems too great?
lifetime subscription to both Out and Genre.
Yes, money can make people do a lot of
But lest he be swayed by all these gifts, he
things they would never do for free. But some
would have one final decision to make. He
times you have to wonder at what cost.
could choose to remain homosexual, or he
could trade it all for a smaller cash settlement, a
■ M ichael T homas F ord is the Lambda Liter
return to heterosexuality and the destruction of
ary Award-winning author of Alec Baldwin Does
all tapes of the show.
n’t Love Me and T hat’s Mr. Faggot to You.
This would be even better than the fat
Write to him at Shopiltee@aol.com.
¿
Imagine watching people decide how much being
perceived as gay is worth. Would they stop
at $32,000, or would they only be willing
to be gay for $120,000?
really weight-conscious to begin with. It would
be a fascinating stniggle between beauty and
wealth.
If you had, for example, a bunch of super
models or aerobics instmctors, watching them
decide between thinness and retirement would
provide weeks of fun. Every episode would
involve weighing the contestants and asking
them if they wanted to progress to the next
level of obesity. The host could wave platters of
cupcakes before their anxious faces, tempting
them to ever-greater levels of hugeness just for
the sake of taking home that elusive half a mil
lion. It would be human drama at its most the
atrical.
Or what about Who Wants to Be a Homosex
ual? That would be even better. Heterosexual
contestants— preferably men— would be pre
sented with a series of choices, each one lead
ing them closer and closer to a queer life. The
first step might be agreeing to spend a night
out dancing in a gay bar, say for $2,500. From
there they would be challenged to march in a
pride parade wearing only leather shorts, walk
ing down a main street of some medium-sized
Midwestern city holding hands with someone
of the same gender, coming out to a family
member and attending a Liza Minnelli concert.
ü
................ ..................................... i.......
Bento • Sandwiches
Espresso
Leave them another tip:
Tell them you saw their ad in
just
Mon-Fri
7 am to 5 pm
Call In Orders
239-7027
Coffee Isle Cafe
vVWw\VWVWWVVWVWVVWWWVVVWVWVWVVW/
2 7 0 6 S E Powell Blvd.
i
Ma t t e l
C a ta la n
2411 s e b e l m o n t
I A H £ SL i 6 A H A\
homestule & 2203 ne alberta st]
A
^ a y a s
rankin' with
cookin
attitude
c
28 21
%
■
reservations
1
Tues-Thur 530-10^
Frl-Sat 530-1030 pi
Sunday
530-9 pm
Fresh Pastries, Soup and Sundries
C ommunity
W R esource R oom
503.232.4458
*
^
WIIK- r
\
im
> (n o t r e q u if e ç l)
I ;
MWM
(T n
C H E Z */U A T ? C A F E *t
ec°ffeehouse. homepage com
Featuring ALL O R G A N IC COFFEE,
e 5. ?
2 3 2 -0948
to u e f^ o q e i
A
V.
/
^
3 c
45 c r N
M
c
Q. 0 £
O n.
/Mew cerne in a n ? tn je tf
r u e U n tile ? b a r
Rest Your Spirit
Wild Abandon
w w w .cilysearch.com /pd x/wikl
I Charming
Garden
LIVE MUSIC
Fri & Sat 7-9pm
M-Th
7am-7pm
¿ . K m -9pm
Sat
8am-9pm
Sun
8am-2pm
7631 NE Glisan $ Portland, OR 97213