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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (April 16, 1999)
aprii 16. 1999 * j u s t o u t 2 i M oggy J fr .A p a QUIETLY ABUSED Avoiding same-sex domestic violence leaves it out of sight, out of mind, and in a neighborhood near you ■ MIONS BY JAN FAUST P ride. Domestic partnerships. Equal rights. Battering. There are some parts of our queer culture that are easy to talk about and some we may prefer to keep in the “He had, on Halloween and New Year’s Eve, gotten drunk, belligerent, and punched me,” claims Thomas (a pseudonym). The 30-year-old Portland resident is talking about a former boyfriend— a man he says he loves and was ready to move in with. “I kind of just overlooked it as being drunk and stupid.... I never got any serious injuries, just a couple of bruises. So 1 overlooked it. O f course, he was pro fusely apologetic afterward.” The abuse in Thomas’ situation reached a head one evening just prior to his moving in with his partner, he says. “He grabbed me by the middle, swung me around and slammed my head into a wall. I started pleading, 1 started demanding to leave. 1 was completely covered by blood, on my knees, and he jumped on my back with one knee.” by Will O’Bryan g r XSfflQf' Thomas is the sort of domestic violence survivor Craig Smith would recognize. Smith, in association with the Portland Women’s Crisis Line, runs a support group for men battered by their male partners. As far as Smith knows, it’s the first of its kind in Oregon and one of just a few in the country. “It took a long time for us to get this one started— years,” says Smith of the group that began in November 1998 and served about six men. “1 was actually pretty shocked at how hard it was to start this group.... Part of the problem is that there’s just a huge amount of isolation for survivors. iDomestic violence] doesn’t get talked about a lot in this community." Smith has worked with domestic violence clients of var ious sexualities and different genders, and honed most of his hands-on skills dealing with lesbian survivors. He finds there are particular hindrances for the gay man who is in an abusive relationship. “There’s a double challenge about seeking support,” Smith explains. “People are shocked when they hear about battering in women’s relationships. With men, people might think, ‘It’s two guys, it’s just a fight,’ which couldn’t be further from the truth.” That somewhat describes part of Thomas’ reaction to the abusive situation he experienced. “I can’t speak to whether other people were questioning my masculinity, but I certainly was," he admits. Smith points to other misconceptions about male-to- male domestic violence: “There are so many myths about male-to-male domestic violence, like the bigger guy is always the abuser. It’s not about size or strength. It’s about one person chix>sing to hurt or control someone else.” Therapists, social workers, and counselors interviewed by Just Out, suggest certain tendencies are common among sexual minority abuse survivors: Gay men often feel their Continued on Page 23
