aprii 16. 1999 * j u s t o u t 2 i
M oggy
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QUIETLY ABUSED
Avoiding same-sex domestic violence leaves it out of sight, out of mind,
and in a neighborhood near you
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MIONS BY JAN FAUST
P
ride. Domestic partnerships. Equal rights. Battering.
There are some parts of our queer culture that are easy
to talk about and some we may prefer to keep in the
“He had, on Halloween and New Year’s Eve, gotten
drunk, belligerent, and punched me,” claims Thomas (a
pseudonym). The 30-year-old Portland resident is talking
about a former boyfriend— a man he says he loves and was
ready to move in with. “I kind of just overlooked it as being
drunk and stupid.... I never got any serious injuries, just a
couple of bruises. So 1 overlooked it. O f course, he was pro
fusely apologetic afterward.”
The abuse in Thomas’ situation reached a head one
evening just prior to his moving in with his partner, he
says. “He grabbed me by the middle, swung me around and
slammed my head into a wall. I started pleading, 1 started
demanding to leave. 1 was completely covered by blood, on
my knees, and he jumped on my back with one knee.”
by Will O’Bryan
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Thomas is the sort of domestic violence survivor Craig
Smith would recognize. Smith, in association with the
Portland Women’s Crisis Line, runs a support group for men
battered by their male partners. As far as Smith knows, it’s
the first of its kind in Oregon and one of just a few in the
country.
“It took a long time for us to get this one started—
years,” says Smith of the group that began in November
1998 and served about six men. “1 was actually pretty
shocked at how hard it was to start this group.... Part of the
problem is that there’s just a huge amount of isolation for
survivors. iDomestic violence] doesn’t get talked about a lot
in this community."
Smith has worked with domestic violence clients of var
ious sexualities and different genders, and honed most of his
hands-on skills dealing with lesbian survivors. He finds
there are particular hindrances for the gay man who is in an
abusive relationship. “There’s a double challenge about
seeking support,” Smith explains. “People are shocked
when they hear about battering in women’s relationships.
With men, people might think, ‘It’s two guys, it’s just a
fight,’ which couldn’t be further from the truth.”
That somewhat describes part of Thomas’ reaction to
the abusive situation he experienced. “I can’t speak to
whether other people were questioning my masculinity, but
I certainly was," he admits.
Smith points to other misconceptions about male-to-
male domestic violence: “There are so many myths about
male-to-male domestic violence, like the bigger guy is
always the abuser. It’s not about size or strength. It’s about
one person chix>sing to hurt or control someone else.”
Therapists, social workers, and counselors interviewed
by Just Out, suggest certain tendencies are common among
sexual minority abuse survivors: Gay men often feel their
Continued on Page 23