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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (March 19, 1999)
march 19.1999 H a ppily EVER A Safe Place BY O riana Q reen ¿ly "V" E A R S A1 & Liz L u cero wenty-three years ago, A1 and Liz Lucero, a lesbian couple, pledged to create a safe place for each other to provide what was missing in their lives. And though they are just settling into the home they recently bought together, the safe place has always been the strong relationship they’ve been building since 1972. They didn’t begin dating until after three years of friendship, and they both credit the comfort level of dating a friend as a key factor in the evolution of their twosome. Liz recalls that in the beginning they each had a lot of growing up to do. “We both came out of abusive relationships, and we made a pact not to be abusive with each other— and we’ve kept to it.” Living in Albuquerque, N.M., at the time, the Luceros were pioneers in the gay commu nity there and helped found the area’s first gay pride parade in 1976. In addition, they started a program for gay youth in that city. Following a similar spiritual path has also played a strong part in cementing their rela tionship, and they have been active members of the Metropolitan Community C hurch since their first year together. Also in 1976, they were among the first same-sex couples to he united in a ceremony at their church. A t that time Liz changed her last name to A l’s, which was another way they broke new ground. (And due to their het-sounding names, A1 and Liz even slipped their “wedding” announce ment into a mainstream Albuquerque newspa per.) T D rs. Love ariah Ureel, a lesbian therapist in Portland, urges struggling couples to seek help sooner rather than later. “Come in before bitterness and hopelessness set in, then you have a much better chance to save a relationship," she says, adding that many couples just need a few coaching sessions to improve their communication skills. Royce Bowlin, another Portland counselor, feels people striving for long-term happiness do need to face the reality that it takes effort. Despite the Hollywood versions of violins and fireworks, after the initial giddy phase passes, the real work begins. Still, Bowlin is very optimistic about the future of gay relationships. With the ever-increasing visi bility and acceptance of gay men and lesbians in mainstream society, he observes more people with enhanced self-esteem and thus more individ- M For some it’s wine and roses, but lasagna and steamed clams did the trick for Donald H utchinson (left) and Lee Swantek After New Mexico they lived for a time in San Francisco, and then in 1985 made their way north to Oregon, where M CC Portland continues to be their anchor and the source of many activities. Being predominantly gay and lesbian, the congregation has become another safe place for the Luceros, and both sing in the choir at the church. Many common interests brought them together, including music, dancing, playing cards and games, and a love of animals. Their family currently includes a stereotypical dyke menagerie of a dog, two cats plus a rabbit. “Humor is also a large part of it,” Liz says, explaining that A1 is great at making her laugh But the real secret to their long-term suc cess is the intentional separateness they main tain. “We are unique in that we keep our own individual space, our own rooms,” Liz explains, adding that though they worked together for many years, they now enjoy different jobs and like to keep their hank accounts separate so each has control of her own finances. W hen asked what advice they might offer other couples hoping to maintain long healthy relationships, Al offers that it’s helpful to learn early on how your partner copes with chal lenges. “Liz is more easygoing and I’m moodi er,” Al explains, which makes compromising tougher. But Liz counters that compromise is essential, and it helps her to remember not to take little things too seriously. O ne challenge they faced together was A l’s recovery process. “I was pretty wild.... A rebel all my life," she admits, crediting Alcoholics Anonymous with steering her in a better direc tion in 1990. W hat helped Liz to he supportive was asking herself if something was worth get ting upset about. “Is there really going to he a long-term benefit to fighting over this?” she would ask herself before entering into an argu ment. She learned to save her energy for issues that were truly important. O ne other key factor that contributes to their longevity is that both are very affection ate and enjoy holding hands and kissing in uals equipped to create healthy relationships. Bowlin— who is himself very much settled into a relationship complete with a pair of Labra dors— stresses the tremendous benefits of long-term relation ships. “The amount of love and fulfill ment is enormous," he says, his enthusiasm loud and clear as he describes thriving in an environ ment of nurturing. “The possibili ties are endless.” For those not yet ready or financially unable to seek out a Practicing a partner exercise in Mariah Ureel’s long-term therapist, there are many helpful partners group books available. "Permanent Partners" by Betty Berzon “Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Cou (Plume, 1990) ples" by Harville Hendrix (HarperPerennial, 1992) “The Intimacy Dance, A Guide To Long Term "When Opposites Attract" by Rebecca Cutter Success In Gay and Lesbian Relationships" by Betty Berzon (Plume, 1997) (Dutton, 1994) public, which often elicits teasing from their friends who ask, “H aven’t you had enough of that yet?” Clearly they have not. As they approach their 23rd anniversary this March, they still make a point of cuddling every night on the love seat in their new home in W oodbum, Ore. The only downside seems to be their sense of isolation there. “As far as we know, we’re the only gay peo ple in W oodbum,” Al laments. But two’s com pany. Four-Decade Foundation by P atrick C ollins j ^ "V " e a re . s D o n a ld H u tc h in s o n & L ee S w a n tek i t’s not an entirely uncommon story. “We met at the movies,” says Donald Hutchinson. “I’d heard that the Circle Theater was the place to go if you wanted to meet other gay guys. So I’m sitting there, and this guy flings his leg over the chair beside me. He was wearing black btxits, which I knew was a sign. So I reached over and ran my fingers up along his sock and beneath his pants.” Hutchinson says he and the object of his desire agreed to meetin front of the theaters, but the mystery man never showed. He went home that night frustrated, only to return to the Circle the next evening. “1 made sure he walked out of there with me the second time,” Hutchinson says. He and Lee Swantek went back to H utchinson’s apartm ent that night, where they stayed up until dawn telling stories and drink ing coffee. “We were so nervous and excited we didn’t have sex that night,” H utchinson says. “But we knew there was no rush. I knew I’d met the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with." It was March 29, 1959. Stonewall, if it existed at all, was still just the name of a tavern Continued on Page 23 21
