march 19.1999
H
a ppily
EVER
A Safe Place
BY O riana Q reen
¿ly
"V" E A R S
A1 & Liz L u cero
wenty-three years ago, A1 and Liz
Lucero, a lesbian couple, pledged to
create a safe place for each other to
provide what was missing in their lives. And
though they are just settling into the home
they recently bought together, the safe place
has always been the strong relationship
they’ve been building since 1972.
They didn’t begin dating until after three
years of friendship, and they both credit the
comfort level of dating a friend as a key factor
in the evolution of their twosome.
Liz recalls that in the beginning they each
had a lot of growing up to do. “We both came
out of abusive relationships, and we made a
pact not to be abusive with each other— and
we’ve kept to it.”
Living in Albuquerque, N.M., at the time,
the Luceros were pioneers in the gay commu
nity there and helped found the area’s first gay
pride parade in 1976. In addition, they started
a program for gay youth in that city.
Following a similar spiritual path has also
played a strong part in cementing their rela
tionship, and they have been active members
of the Metropolitan Community C hurch since
their first year together. Also in 1976, they
were among the first same-sex couples to he
united in a ceremony at their church. A t that
time Liz changed her last name to A l’s, which
was another way they broke new ground.
(And due to their het-sounding names, A1 and
Liz even slipped their “wedding” announce
ment into a mainstream Albuquerque newspa
per.)
T
D rs. Love
ariah Ureel, a lesbian therapist in Portland,
urges struggling couples to seek help
sooner rather than later.
“Come in before bitterness and hopelessness
set in, then you have a much better chance to
save a relationship," she says, adding that many
couples just need a few coaching sessions to
improve their communication skills.
Royce Bowlin, another Portland counselor,
feels people striving for long-term happiness do
need to face the reality that it takes effort. Despite
the Hollywood versions of violins and fireworks,
after the initial giddy phase passes, the real work
begins.
Still, Bowlin is very optimistic about the future
of gay relationships. With the ever-increasing visi
bility and acceptance of gay men and lesbians in
mainstream society, he observes more people
with enhanced self-esteem and thus more individ-
M
For some it’s wine and roses, but lasagna and steamed clams did the trick for Donald H utchinson (left) and Lee Swantek
After New Mexico they lived for a time in
San Francisco, and then in 1985 made their
way north to Oregon, where M CC Portland
continues to be their anchor and the source of
many activities. Being predominantly gay and
lesbian, the congregation has become another
safe place for the Luceros, and both sing in the
choir at the church.
Many common interests brought them
together, including music, dancing, playing
cards and games, and a love of animals. Their
family currently includes a stereotypical dyke
menagerie of a dog, two cats plus a rabbit.
“Humor is also a large part of it,” Liz says,
explaining that A1 is great at making her laugh
But the real secret to their long-term suc
cess is the intentional separateness they main
tain. “We are unique in that we keep our own
individual space, our own rooms,” Liz explains,
adding that though they worked together for
many years, they now enjoy different jobs and
like to keep their hank accounts separate so
each has control of her own finances.
W hen asked what advice they might offer
other couples hoping to maintain long healthy
relationships, Al offers that it’s helpful to learn
early on how your partner copes with chal
lenges. “Liz is more easygoing and I’m moodi
er,” Al explains, which makes compromising
tougher. But Liz counters that compromise is
essential, and it helps her to remember not to
take little things too seriously.
O ne challenge they faced together was A l’s
recovery process. “I was pretty wild.... A rebel
all my life," she admits, crediting Alcoholics
Anonymous with steering her in a better direc
tion in 1990. W hat helped Liz to he supportive
was asking herself if something was worth get
ting upset about. “Is there really going to he a
long-term benefit to fighting over this?” she
would ask herself before entering into an argu
ment. She learned to save her energy for issues
that were truly important.
O ne other key factor that contributes to
their longevity is that both are very affection
ate and enjoy holding hands and kissing in
uals equipped to create healthy
relationships.
Bowlin— who is himself very
much settled into a relationship
complete with a pair of Labra
dors— stresses the tremendous
benefits of long-term relation
ships.
“The amount of love and fulfill
ment is enormous," he says, his
enthusiasm loud and clear as he
describes thriving in an environ
ment of nurturing. “The possibili
ties are endless.”
For those not yet ready or
financially unable to seek out a Practicing a partner exercise in Mariah Ureel’s long-term
therapist, there are many helpful partners group
books available.
"Permanent Partners" by Betty Berzon
“Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Cou
(Plume, 1990)
ples" by Harville Hendrix (HarperPerennial, 1992)
“The Intimacy Dance, A Guide To Long Term
"When Opposites Attract" by Rebecca Cutter
Success In Gay and Lesbian Relationships" by
Betty Berzon (Plume, 1997)
(Dutton, 1994)
public, which often elicits teasing from their
friends who ask, “H aven’t you had enough of
that yet?” Clearly they have not.
As they approach their 23rd anniversary
this March, they still make a point of cuddling
every night on the love seat in their new home
in W oodbum, Ore. The only downside seems
to be their sense of isolation there.
“As far as we know, we’re the only gay peo
ple in W oodbum,” Al laments. But two’s com
pany.
Four-Decade Foundation
by
P atrick C ollins
j
^ "V
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D o n a ld H u tc h in s o n & L ee S w a n tek
i
t’s not an entirely uncommon story.
“We met at the movies,” says Donald
Hutchinson. “I’d heard that the Circle
Theater was the place to go if you wanted to
meet other gay guys. So I’m sitting there, and
this guy flings his leg over the chair beside me.
He was wearing black btxits, which I knew was
a sign. So I reached over and ran my fingers up
along his sock and beneath his pants.”
Hutchinson says he and the object of his
desire agreed to meetin front of the theaters,
but the mystery man never showed. He went
home that night frustrated, only to return to
the Circle the next evening.
“1 made sure he walked out of there with
me the second time,” Hutchinson says.
He and Lee Swantek went back to
H utchinson’s apartm ent that night, where they
stayed up until dawn telling stories and drink
ing coffee. “We were so nervous and excited we
didn’t have sex that night,” H utchinson says.
“But we knew there was no rush. I knew I’d
met the man I wanted to spend the rest of my
life with."
It was March 29, 1959. Stonewall, if it
existed at all, was still just the name of a tavern
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