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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Nov. 1, 1990)
1990 T ]wt out Znner3ijkt •counseling •stress m an ag em ent •personal transform ation A Non-Smoking Establishment Mountains, Forest, Sandy Beach, C a ve s , Tid e Pools, Trails, Suites, Studios, Kitchens, R replaces. Skyler Anne Freimann, ( 5031547-3329 ( 503 ) 281-5626 942M Hwy. 101 Tacitata, 0 « 9749» m . a . SANDRA K. PINCHES, Ph.D. Counseling and Psychotherapy 1809 N.W. Johnson, Sic. 7 Portland, OR 97209 Specializing in issues of: (j<)J) 227 7538 Recovering Alcoholics • Co-dependency e B A R B A R A G. C L I N I C A L • Lesbian & gay couples e intimacy & commitment I S A A C S , P h . D : P S Y C H O L O G I S T 2250 N W FLANDERS, SUITE 103 ■ PORTLAND, O REG O N 97210 ( 503 ) 248-0775 S h a n ti iii Oregon, Inc. Support services for people with HIV disease & for their loved ones P.O. Box 11302 Eugene, Oregon 97440-3502 Incorporated in 1986 Gifts are tax deductible CLIENT SERVICES * Emotional Support * Support Groups for : Family, Friends, and Lovers People with HIV/A1DS * Information & Referrals VOLUNTEER OPPORTUNITIES * Emotional Support * Office Staff * Practical Support * Fundraising * Board of Directors afóecUoH not rejccUoii. Telephone (503) 342-5088 Hooked on love Addictive relationships actually have very little to do with love I f you’ve ever been in an addictive rela feelings of unworthiness that are always at the tionship, you’ll identify with Eric’s story. root of addictive “love.” Eric came to realize that he had always cho sen troubled people as lovers because anyone who had their life together made him feel unwor For three years, Eric lived with a thy and inadequate. Eric’s internalized shame practicing alcoholic. An alcoholic strug molded his choice of partner. • Certain unconscious needs are met in an ad gling with his own recovery. Roger didn’t drink every day. But when he dictive relationship. One involves the mechanism did, he didn’t stop until he ended up in a detox of “projection.” By taking care of the lost child in our addicted lover, we’re actually taking care unit. And during of our own wounded and neglected child. these binges, he • Another involves the mechanism that psy was at best inco chologists call the “repetition compulsion.” In herent or uncon therapy, Eric came to realize that his lover was scious—at worst, much like his abusive, alcoholic mother. Uncon abusive and suici sciously, Eric had “recreated” his mother in or dal. der to complete a childhood situation in which he Roger’s unpre had been neglected and rejected. By parenting dictable binges were taking a toll on Eric, both physically and his lover, Eric unconsciously worked to change emotionally. He found himself withdrawing from the “bad” mother into a good mother who would Roger, emotionally and sexually. And the more love and accept him. Eric withdrew, the more Roger turned to liquid At bottom, it’s these unconscious strategies fulfillment The situation was clearly deteriorat that keep us locked into an addictive relationship. ing, but Eric couldn’t end it Since they are unconscious, we can’t "figure Eric said that he was “addicted to love.” out” why this person has such a magnetic power Some would say he was "co-dependent”—a over us. word that’s confusing at best Only a deep process of emotional healing can The phrase “addicted to love” is a misnomer. bring the roots of attraction to the surface. When we look at addictive relationships, what Healing our relationship addiction has two we see isn’t “love.” What we see is addiction. components. We don’t see love in the sense of two part • We need to bring to light the unconscious ners, balanced in mutual caring for each other. strategies behind our choice of partner. Once we We don’t see love in the sense of two people can “see” what we’ve been doing, we can start to sharing openness and intimacy with each other. make conscious choices about who we’re with, What we usually see in addictive relation based on sound criteria and not just mysterious ships is one person “taking care” of another, like attraction. a parent caring for a child. Caretakers—acting • We must work with the underlying feelings out their own dependency— “take care” of their of shame and inadequacy. This means healing addicted lovers in several ways. For instance, the feelings of hurt and rage that we felt as ne they protect their lovers from the consequences glected or abused children. (Abuse includes the of their compulsive behavior. Or they refuse to shaming we experienced for being gay or lesbian create consequences of their own in response to in this culture.) the abuse they’re getting; relationship addicts are Once the unconscious strategies and the inter “long-suffering” in the face of all kinds of abu nalized shame are brought up to the light, the sive behavior. addictive relationship no longer has such a hold Ironically, this “caretaking” enables the com on us. pulsive partners to continue in their compulsive Eric found this to be true when in his recov behavior—while the caretakers continue in ery work he recovered his own wounded child- theirs. self, who was still alive, feeling all his old hurt To outsiders, caretakers often seem to be sac and anger, deep in the core of Eric’s uncon rificing their own interests while taking care of scious. their addictive lovers. The outsider sees that the Once his self-esteem was bolstered, Eric was relationship is not just unfulfilling to the care no longer willing to submit to an abusive rela taker—it’s literally destructive. tionship. Having learned to nurture himself, he When we look superficially at these relation could paradoxically accept nurturing from some ships, we may wonder how anyone could put up one else. He was no longer stuck with the job of with so much pain and abuse! But the self-sacri parenting someone else—and getting no parent fice of caretakers isn’t what it seems. Relation ing for himself. ship addiction has its payoffs: • When we’re in the “parent” role to someone The author is a clinical psychologist in an addictive relationship, we can avoid facing with an office in Portland. our fear of intimacy. We’re in the position of power, so we don’t have to be vulnerable. We can avoid facing the deep and often unconscious IS YOUR PET PART OF T1IE FAMILY? òr the furry anc of your family! ( o n ip lctc Diagnosis and Treatment • Medical/Surgical Facilities Compassionate, Trusting Care IHR I)S, CATS IH XiS miri other small nets Dr. Patricia E. Huff, D.V.M. Dr. Deborah Sheaffer, D.V.M. 2519 E. BURNSIDE, PORTLAND CALL 233-5001
