1990 T ]wt out
Znner3ijkt
•counseling
•stress
m an ag em ent
•personal
transform ation
A Non-Smoking Establishment
Mountains, Forest, Sandy Beach,
C a ve s , Tid e Pools, Trails, Suites,
Studios, Kitchens, R replaces.
Skyler Anne Freimann,
( 5031547-3329
( 503 ) 281-5626
942M Hwy. 101 Tacitata, 0 « 9749»
m . a .
SANDRA K. PINCHES, Ph.D.
Counseling and Psychotherapy
1809 N.W. Johnson, Sic. 7
Portland, OR 97209
Specializing in issues of: (j<)J) 227 7538
Recovering Alcoholics
• Co-dependency
e
B A R B A R A
G.
C L I N I C A L
• Lesbian & gay couples
e intimacy & commitment
I S A A C S ,
P h . D :
P S Y C H O L O G I S T
2250 N W FLANDERS, SUITE 103 ■ PORTLAND, O REG O N 97210
( 503 ) 248-0775
S h a n ti
iii Oregon, Inc.
Support services for people with HIV
disease & for their loved ones
P.O. Box 11302
Eugene, Oregon 97440-3502
Incorporated in 1986 Gifts are tax deductible
CLIENT SERVICES
* Emotional Support
* Support Groups for :
Family, Friends, and Lovers
People with HIV/A1DS
* Information & Referrals
VOLUNTEER OPPORTUNITIES
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* Office Staff
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* Board of Directors
afóecUoH not rejccUoii.
Telephone (503) 342-5088
Hooked on love
Addictive relationships actually have very little to do with love
I
f you’ve ever been in an addictive rela feelings of unworthiness that are always at the
tionship, you’ll identify with Eric’s story. root of addictive “love.”
Eric came to realize that he had always cho
sen troubled people as lovers because anyone
who had their life together made him feel unwor
For three years, Eric lived with a thy and inadequate. Eric’s internalized shame
practicing alcoholic. An alcoholic strug molded his choice of partner.
• Certain unconscious needs are met in an ad
gling with his own recovery.
Roger didn’t drink every day. But when he dictive relationship. One involves the mechanism
did, he didn’t stop until he ended up in a detox of “projection.” By taking care of the lost child
in our addicted lover, we’re actually taking care
unit. And during
of our own wounded and neglected child.
these binges, he
• Another involves the mechanism that psy
was at best inco
chologists call the “repetition compulsion.” In
herent or uncon
therapy, Eric came to realize that his lover was
scious—at worst,
much like his abusive, alcoholic mother. Uncon
abusive and suici
sciously, Eric had “recreated” his mother in or
dal.
der to complete a childhood situation in which he
Roger’s unpre
had been neglected and rejected. By parenting
dictable binges
were taking a toll on Eric, both physically and his lover, Eric unconsciously worked to change
emotionally. He found himself withdrawing from the “bad” mother into a good mother who would
Roger, emotionally and sexually. And the more love and accept him.
Eric withdrew, the more Roger turned to liquid
At bottom, it’s these unconscious strategies
fulfillment The situation was clearly deteriorat that keep us locked into an addictive relationship.
ing, but Eric couldn’t end it
Since they are unconscious, we can’t "figure
Eric said that he was “addicted to love.” out” why this person has such a magnetic power
Some would say he was "co-dependent”—a over us.
word that’s confusing at best
Only a deep process of emotional healing can
The phrase “addicted to love” is a misnomer. bring the roots of attraction to the surface.
When we look at addictive relationships, what
Healing our relationship addiction has two
we see isn’t “love.” What we see is addiction.
components.
We don’t see love in the sense of two part
• We need to bring to light the unconscious
ners, balanced in mutual caring for each other. strategies behind our choice of partner. Once we
We don’t see love in the sense of two people can “see” what we’ve been doing, we can start to
sharing openness and intimacy with each other. make conscious choices about who we’re with,
What we usually see in addictive relation based on sound criteria and not just mysterious
ships is one person “taking care” of another, like attraction.
a parent caring for a child. Caretakers—acting
• We must work with the underlying feelings
out their own dependency— “take care” of their of shame and inadequacy. This means healing
addicted lovers in several ways. For instance, the feelings of hurt and rage that we felt as ne
they protect their lovers from the consequences glected or abused children. (Abuse includes the
of their compulsive behavior. Or they refuse to shaming we experienced for being gay or lesbian
create consequences of their own in response to in this culture.)
the abuse they’re getting; relationship addicts are
Once the unconscious strategies and the inter
“long-suffering” in the face of all kinds of abu nalized shame are brought up to the light, the
sive behavior.
addictive relationship no longer has such a hold
Ironically, this “caretaking” enables the com on us.
pulsive partners to continue in their compulsive
Eric found this to be true when in his recov
behavior—while the caretakers continue in ery work he recovered his own wounded child-
theirs.
self, who was still alive, feeling all his old hurt
To outsiders, caretakers often seem to be sac and anger, deep in the core of Eric’s uncon
rificing their own interests while taking care of scious.
their addictive lovers. The outsider sees that the
Once his self-esteem was bolstered, Eric was
relationship is not just unfulfilling to the care no longer willing to submit to an abusive rela
taker—it’s literally destructive.
tionship. Having learned to nurture himself, he
When we look superficially at these relation could paradoxically accept nurturing from some
ships, we may wonder how anyone could put up one else. He was no longer stuck with the job of
with so much pain and abuse! But the self-sacri parenting someone else—and getting no parent
fice of caretakers isn’t what it seems. Relation ing for himself.
ship addiction has its payoffs:
• When we’re in the “parent” role to someone
The author is a clinical psychologist
in an addictive relationship, we can avoid facing
with an office in Portland.
our fear of intimacy. We’re in the position of
power, so we don’t have to be vulnerable. We
can avoid facing the deep and often unconscious
IS YOUR PET PART OF T1IE FAMILY?
òr the furry anc
of your family!
( o n ip lctc
Diagnosis and Treatment • Medical/Surgical Facilities
Compassionate, Trusting Care
IHR
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IH XiS miri other small nets
Dr. Patricia E. Huff, D.V.M.
Dr. Deborah Sheaffer, D.V.M.
2519 E. BURNSIDE, PORTLAND
CALL 233-5001