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About Oregon daily emerald. (Eugene, Or.) 1920-2012 | View Entire Issue (Aug. 11, 2005)
■ Movie preview Hollywood promises all-new predictability Courtesy From 'Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo' to 'The Corpse Bridedirectors unleash a plethora of played-out plots BY RYAN NYBURG PULSE EDITOR Everybody loves movies, right? So why shouldn’t we be excited about the upcoming releases the ever benevolent lords of Hollywood have prepared for us this fall. Let’s take a look-see and find out. This week we have another tour de force from comic extraordinaire Rob Schneider in “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo,” where he plays a filthy, soulless whore. Also opening is some crappy movie about ghosts and “Four Brothers,” in which Mark Wahlberg fulfills his dream of playing a black man. Opening Aug. 19 is “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” in which Steve Carell plays against type by performing as a hapless twerp. Also opening is “Super cross,” which brings all the excite ment of motorcycle crashes to the big screen. Expect the trite love sto ry and derivative revenge plot to keep audiences riveted. On Aug. 26, audiences will be treated to “The Brothers Grimm,” which is directed by a man who used to make a living by drawing cartoons of a giant foot crushing things. Also opening is “The Cave” in which a bunch of crappy actors are dumped into a deep dark hole and devoured by the hellish beasts residing within: The feel-good hit of the summer, for sure. Sept. 2 brings us the joy and splendor of a mind less action film, followed by “A Sound of Thunder,” in which causality will once again been ig nored for the sake of a ill-conceived time travel movie. Opening Sept. 9 is a release of “The Outsiders,” the film that defined a generation by introducing us to such talents as C Thomas Howell, Emilio Estevez, Patrick Swayze and, of course, Ralph Mac chio. Sept. 16 brings us some more films from the Mirimax scratch-and dent sale, as well as Reese Wither spoon as ghost and a horror film in which Bijou Phillips dies a horrible, horrible death. Sept. 23 brings us “The Corpse Bride,” in which Johnny Depp at tempts to top himself on the crazy meter by marrying a dead chick. Also slated for release is “Roll Bounce,” a heady slice of 1970s nos talgia staring Bow Wow, everyone’s favorite darling of the rap world. As the rather vague title indicates, it has something to do with roller skates. Or some such crap. And if that weren’t enough for you, there is also a new adaptation of Jane &try Rivio The Captains of Team Quiznos 13th and Alder (inside Starbucks) Let us cater your next event! (541)338-7098 Austen’s “Pride and Prejudice,” the fifth in the last decade (if you count “Bridget Jones’s Diary”). Apparent ly director Joe Wright seems to think that he has something new to add to the story, such as sewer mu tants or Donald Sutherland. On Sept. 30, we’ll all be treated to a film about the egalitarian history of America’s favorite game — golf — brought to us by that bas tion of diversity, the Disney Corpo ration. Directed by Bill Paxton, “The Greatest Game Ever Played” deals with the 1913 U.S. Open, when young upstart Francis Ouimet chal lenged champion Harry Vardon. Will the young underdog bring down the old pro? We breathlessly wait for the answer. October starts off with a couple of romantic comedies and a movie about a vampire rabbit, which brings us to Oct. 14 and Cameron Crowe’s latest adaptation of his own life, “Elizabethtown.” Kudos to Crowe for keeping Ashton Kutcher away and telling him to take acting lessons, if the story is true. But smacks for turning it around and giving the role to professional block of wood Orlando Bloom, who seems unable to emote in any scene that doesn’t involve medieval com bat. Also on Oct. 14 is a remake of Jon Carpenter’s “The Fog” directed by Rupert Wainwright and starring a cast of young faces taken almost entirely from televisions shows pop ular among teenagers. It is rumored that it will have a PG-13 rating. You know I’ll be at the opening of this. I’ll be the guy in the bell tower across the street. Oct. 21 finally brings the popular “Doom” video game series to the big screen, which is good news for all of those people who were hoping that some mindless, plotless violence would have a place in the aters this fall. Also opening is some feel-good crap about a kid and a horse, as if we didn’t have enough of those. Oct. 28 brings the long-awaited sequel to “The Mask of Zorro” to the screen long after everyone has stopped caring. Also opening is an other sad attempt by Nicholas Cage to be taken seriously as an actor (sorry buddy, you did “Con Air” and “National TVeasure,” so you’re out of the running for good now), as well as “Saw II,” which promises to be a real hack job. (HA HA HA HA! Kill me now.) Have fun at the movies folks. 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ME AND yOU AND EVERYONE WE KNOW "Director Miranda July just might be the year's most exciting film discovery." m 5:30, 7:30 & 9:30 Nightly NEXT MURPERBALL "A delightful, wholesome experience for the family." —Oesson Thomson, WASHINGTON POST MARCH OF THE PENGUINS 5:15, 7:15 & 9:15 Nig Sat & Sun Mat 3:15 r FINAL WEEKEND> r»Wild Parrots “^Telegraph Hill Sat & Sun Mat 3:40 ONLY NEXT: LADIES IN LAVENDER BIJOU LATENITE Fr-Sat S4 Su S3 HARD BOILED a john woo film 11:15 pm Fri, Sat & Sun nights ME AND VOlt AND EVERYONE WE KNOW 11:30 pm Fri, Sat & Sun nights PH wow HALL ALL SHOWS ARE ALL AGES ter fEATUBHG BILLY NfltSW Of STRING (HffSf INCIDENT TONY FURTADO AND: SCOTT WW YARD DOGS ROAD SHOW
