■ Movie preview
Hollywood promises all-new predictability
Courtesy
From 'Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo' to 'The Corpse
Bridedirectors unleash a plethora of played-out plots
BY RYAN NYBURG
PULSE EDITOR
Everybody loves movies, right?
So why shouldn’t we be excited
about the upcoming releases the
ever benevolent lords of Hollywood
have prepared for us this fall. Let’s
take a look-see and find out.
This week we have another tour
de force from comic extraordinaire
Rob Schneider in “Deuce Bigalow:
European Gigolo,” where he plays a
filthy, soulless whore. Also opening
is some crappy movie about ghosts
and “Four Brothers,” in which Mark
Wahlberg fulfills his dream of
playing a black man. Opening Aug.
19 is “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” in
which Steve Carell plays against
type by performing as a hapless
twerp. Also opening is “Super
cross,” which brings all the excite
ment of motorcycle crashes to the
big screen. Expect the trite love sto
ry and derivative revenge plot to
keep audiences riveted.
On Aug. 26, audiences will be
treated to “The Brothers Grimm,”
which is directed by a man who
used to make a living by drawing
cartoons of a giant foot crushing
things. Also opening is “The Cave”
in which a bunch of crappy actors
are dumped into a deep dark hole
and devoured by the hellish beasts
residing within: The feel-good hit of
the summer, for sure. Sept. 2 brings
us the joy and splendor of a mind
less action film, followed by “A
Sound of Thunder,” in which
causality will once again been ig
nored for the sake of a ill-conceived
time travel movie.
Opening Sept. 9 is a release of
“The Outsiders,” the film that
defined a generation by introducing
us to such talents as C Thomas
Howell, Emilio Estevez, Patrick
Swayze and, of course, Ralph Mac
chio. Sept. 16 brings us some more
films from the Mirimax scratch-and
dent sale, as well as Reese Wither
spoon as ghost and a horror film in
which Bijou Phillips dies a horrible,
horrible death.
Sept. 23 brings us “The Corpse
Bride,” in which Johnny Depp at
tempts to top himself on the crazy
meter by marrying a dead chick.
Also slated for release is “Roll
Bounce,” a heady slice of 1970s nos
talgia staring Bow Wow, everyone’s
favorite darling of the rap world. As
the rather vague title indicates, it
has something to do with roller
skates. Or some such crap. And if
that weren’t enough for you, there
is also a new adaptation of Jane
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Austen’s “Pride and Prejudice,” the
fifth in the last decade (if you count
“Bridget Jones’s Diary”). Apparent
ly director Joe Wright seems to
think that he has something new to
add to the story, such as sewer mu
tants or Donald Sutherland.
On Sept. 30, we’ll all be treated
to a film about the egalitarian
history of America’s favorite game
— golf — brought to us by that bas
tion of diversity, the Disney Corpo
ration. Directed by Bill Paxton, “The
Greatest Game Ever Played” deals
with the 1913 U.S. Open, when
young upstart Francis Ouimet chal
lenged champion Harry Vardon.
Will the young underdog bring
down the old pro? We breathlessly
wait for the answer.
October starts off with a couple of
romantic comedies and a movie
about a vampire rabbit, which
brings us to Oct. 14 and Cameron
Crowe’s latest adaptation of his own
life, “Elizabethtown.” Kudos to
Crowe for keeping Ashton Kutcher
away and telling him to take acting
lessons, if the story is true. But
smacks for turning it around and
giving the role to professional block
of wood Orlando Bloom, who
seems unable to emote in any scene
that doesn’t involve medieval com
bat. Also on Oct. 14 is a remake of
Jon Carpenter’s “The Fog” directed
by Rupert Wainwright and starring
a cast of young faces taken almost
entirely from televisions shows pop
ular among teenagers. It is rumored
that it will have a PG-13 rating. You
know I’ll be at the opening of this.
I’ll be the guy in the bell tower
across the street.
Oct. 21 finally brings the popular
“Doom” video game series to the
big screen, which is good news for
all of those people who were hoping
that some mindless, plotless
violence would have a place in the
aters this fall. Also opening is some
feel-good crap about a kid and a
horse, as if we didn’t have enough
of those.
Oct. 28 brings the long-awaited
sequel to “The Mask of Zorro” to
the screen long after everyone has
stopped caring. Also opening is an
other sad attempt by Nicholas Cage
to be taken seriously as an actor
(sorry buddy, you did “Con Air”
and “National TVeasure,” so you’re
out of the running for good now), as
well as “Saw II,” which promises to
be a real hack job. (HA HA HA HA!
Kill me now.)
Have fun at the movies folks. You
know I will.
ryannybnrg@dailyemerald.com
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