Image provided by: University of Oregon Libraries; Eugene, OR
About Oregon daily emerald. (Eugene, Or.) 1920-2012 | View Entire Issue (Aug. 3, 2000)
Lying 18-year-old can’t get parents to trust her... go figure uear Harlan, I'm having a hard time dealing with my parents. I’m 18 years old and living at home, but I'll be go ing off to college soon. I love to party and have a good time whether it's with alcohol or not. This summer, I started hanging out with a different crowd as op posed to my high school friends. My parents have heard things about my new friends’ past and they are not pleased. I’ve told my mom that we are responsible and she seems to believe me, but as soon as I ask to go out with them my parents want to know where we are going, what we are doing and exactly who I'm going to be with. I feel like I can’t tell my par ents the truth because they'll dis approve, so I lie and say I'm go ing to a movie or something. It makes me feel terrible to lie to them. How can I make my par ents understand that I don’t do bad things when I'm with my friends? Guilty girl Dear Guilty, I'd be lying if I thought your parents were wrong, but I know how you feel about lying, so, I'll just be honest. You're lucky to have parents who care enough to want to know where you're going and what you're doing. If you want to be treated like an adult start acting like an adult. When they ask you these ques tions, take this as a chance to have an adult conversation. DO NOT get upset. DO NOT get de fensive. Listen, wait and then re spond. TVy explaining what it is you need for them to understand and see where it takes you. But understand this isn't only about you. There are a lot of people out there who can put your safety in danger. I get so many let ters from so many girls who hang out at "the movies" and accidentally get in bad situ ations. While your parents might ▼ HARLAN seem overprotective, they have good reason to be concerned. If you can't be honest, maybe you should honestly start seeing more movies. Dear Harlan, I am a licensed therapist and the one issue that comes up on a consistent basis is “I got married instead of going to college, had Advice Help Me Harlan kids, did everything I could to be a good wife and mother, and now I resent the hell out of the fact that nobody appreciates me and I haven’t a clue as to who in the heck I am.” I, too, can relate to the previous sentence because this is the life I led for 15 years before going back to college and getting my bachelor's and mas ter's degrees. I, too, was 18 when I decided life would be perfect if I skipped college and married my boyfriend of four years. I would be able to do whatever I wanted and get away from my parents. Guess what? That feeling lasts about as long as it takes to move your stuff into another man's home and realize that you've traded one dependent situation for another. I also didn't take into account the resentment that start ed to well up when my husband went on to bigger and more excit ing work opportunities and I was just grateful to be invited to a Tupperware party. I did start taking the occasion al community college class, but college still seemed unimportant and unnecessary along with the fact that it interfered with my husband’s work schedule and took away time from when we could do fun things together. The two kids that followed kept growing and needed my loving guidance and presence less and less. In this day and age of two family incomes, there are fewer stay-at-home moms to gather into a weekly coffee klatch resulting in increasing isolation and lone liness. The time came that a divorce was inevitable, as we had grown too far apart. I didn't plan on be ing a single mom, and now I was faced with having to earn a living and not having the training to work in much beyond a mini mum pay position. Not a week went by that I wished I had gone to college as originally planned, done some traveling, lived alone for a while, spread my wings, and "sowed some wild oats." I had made a choice to skip that step and not experience the op portunity to be independent and learn to trust my ability to take care of myself. I only wish that I could let young women who are struggling with the decision to marry right away, or to not go to college, sit in on my psychotherapy groups and hear the resounding anger, frustration and resentment that crops up after years of placing your focus on your family with out balancing it with educational pursuits, and trying other av enues of life, before you become tied down with the responsibili ty of home and family. Therapist and a mom Dear Mom, But, yes, it can also work out and some readers shared great success stories. But even those who found happiness also found a passion to kept them chal lenged while the kids were nap ping or away at school. There's no greater responsibility than taking care of a family, but a mom also needs to take care of herself. Four years in college is a small price to pay for a lifetime of answers and opportunity. Thanks again for all the letters. You can check out more replies online at www.helpmeharlan.com. Harlan is not a licensed psychologist, therapist or physician, but he is a li censed driver. Write Harlan via e-mail at harlan@help meharlan.com. Send paper to Help Me,Harlan! Harlan Cohen 2506 N. Clark Street, Suite #223 Chicago, IL 60614 Phone: 773-472-6919Help Me, Harlan! 006496 Apartments DESIGNED with you in mind • 1, 2, 3, & 4 Br., Furnished units • Private bedrooms with individual leases • Competitive rates, 3 payment plans • Leases that coincide with the school year • Large swimming pool and year-round spa • Barbecue grills near every apartment • State-of (he art fitness center • Rec-room, Volleyball and Basketball • Computer lab with free internet access • High-speed internet available • Free movie rentals Still looking for a C R EAT P LAG E to live? • Individual spaces or entire apartments • Minutes by bike across the Autzen footbridge • Bus slop at Kinsrow & Centennial • No application fees • Apply Today! Stop by our office M-F 8-5 or Saturday 9-1, and check us out! % Ducks Village 3225 Kinsrow Ave., Eugene • 485-7200 www.ducksvillageapts.com Oregon Festival of American Music Twin Rivers Traditional Music Festival 2000 American Fiddle Masters Mark O’Connor Michael Doucer avec BeauSoIeil Vassar Clements &c The Little Big Band The Anger-Marshall Band Saturday, August 26 - 2:30 pm Cuthbert Amphitheater rickets: 682-5000 Information 687-6526 orwww.ofam.org (tank of America. - Hilton 'll jiy 686-2458 492 E. 13th Ave www.Diiou-Ginemas.com Rem the Bijou any morning or afternoon for oartto* «tc. | Nightly 5:10 & 7:00pm — Sun Mat 3:15pm Want: BUT I'M A CHEERLEADER this smart. mm, surprising thriller is THE BESTMOVIE EVESEEN[THIS TEAR." "riveting! mar mPNovcr ■DAVID ANSEN. NEWSWEEK CROUPIER 5:26, 7:15 ft 9:05pm - Sun Mat 3:30pm Neat: SUNSHINE (Ralph Flennea) ANIMEHl 8:50 & 10:50pr»T | LftteNtte Price 10:50pm g Showing Only! S3 TH -SA/S2 SU-W Can you DIG IT?! RIGHT ONII SHAFT 11:05pm @ — poppi V - _ylm4oli& Lunch Monday through Saturday Dinner 7 Nights a Week 992 Willamette Eugene, Or 97401 343-9661 Advertise in the ODE. Cfcwgttlate _ Traditional l Greek & Indian Food "The Land East”
