Lying 18-year-old can’t get parents to trust her... go figure
uear Harlan,
I'm having a hard time dealing
with my parents. I’m 18 years old
and living at home, but I'll be go
ing off to college soon. I love to
party and have a good time
whether it's with alcohol or not.
This summer, I started hanging
out with a different crowd as op
posed to my high school friends.
My parents have heard things
about my new friends’ past and
they are not pleased. I’ve told my
mom that we are responsible and
she seems to believe me, but as
soon as I ask to go out with them
my parents want to know where
we are going, what we are doing
and exactly who I'm going to be
with. I feel like I can’t tell my par
ents the truth because they'll dis
approve, so I lie and say I'm go
ing to a movie or something. It
makes me feel terrible to lie to
them. How can I make my par
ents understand that I don’t do
bad things when I'm with my
friends?
Guilty girl
Dear Guilty,
I'd be lying if I thought your
parents were wrong, but I know
how you feel about lying, so, I'll
just be honest. You're lucky to
have parents who care enough
to want to know where you're
going and what you're doing. If
you want to be treated like an
adult start acting like an adult.
When they ask you these ques
tions, take this as a chance to
have an adult conversation. DO
NOT get upset. DO NOT get de
fensive. Listen, wait and then re
spond. TVy explaining what it is
you need for them to understand
and see where it takes you. But
understand
this isn't
only about
you. There
are a lot of
people out
there who
can put your
safety in
danger. I get
so many let
ters from so
many girls
who hang out at "the movies"
and accidentally get in bad situ
ations. While your parents might
▼
HARLAN
seem overprotective, they have
good reason to be concerned. If
you can't be honest, maybe you
should honestly start seeing
more movies.
Dear Harlan,
I am a licensed therapist and
the one issue that comes up on a
consistent basis is “I got married
instead of going to college, had
Advice
Help Me
Harlan
kids, did everything I could to be
a good wife and mother, and now
I resent the hell out of the fact
that nobody appreciates me and I
haven’t a clue as to who in the
heck I am.” I, too, can relate to
the previous sentence because
this is the life I led for 15 years
before going back to college and
getting my bachelor's and mas
ter's degrees.
I, too, was 18 when I decided
life would be perfect if I skipped
college and married my
boyfriend of four years. I would
be able to do whatever I wanted
and get away from my parents.
Guess what? That feeling lasts
about as long as it takes to move
your stuff into another man's
home and realize that you've
traded one dependent situation
for another. I also didn't take into
account the resentment that start
ed to well up when my husband
went on to bigger and more excit
ing work opportunities and I was
just grateful to be invited to a
Tupperware party.
I did start taking the occasion
al community college class, but
college still seemed unimportant
and unnecessary along with the
fact that it interfered with my
husband’s work schedule and
took away time from when we
could do fun things together. The
two kids that followed kept
growing and needed my loving
guidance and presence less and
less. In this day and age of two
family incomes, there are fewer
stay-at-home moms to gather into
a weekly coffee klatch resulting
in increasing isolation and lone
liness.
The time came that a divorce
was inevitable, as we had grown
too far apart. I didn't plan on be
ing a single mom, and now I was
faced with having to earn a living
and not having the training to
work in much beyond a mini
mum pay position. Not a week
went by that I wished I had gone
to college as originally planned,
done some traveling, lived alone
for a while, spread my wings,
and "sowed some wild oats." I
had made a choice to skip that
step and not experience the op
portunity to be independent and
learn to trust my ability to take
care of myself.
I only wish that I could let
young women who are struggling
with the decision to marry right
away, or to not go to college, sit
in on my psychotherapy groups
and hear the resounding anger,
frustration and resentment that
crops up after years of placing
your focus on your family with
out balancing it with educational
pursuits, and trying other av
enues of life, before you become
tied down with the responsibili
ty of home and family.
Therapist and a mom
Dear Mom,
But, yes, it can also work out
and some readers shared great
success stories. But even those
who found happiness also found
a passion to kept them chal
lenged while the kids were nap
ping or away at school. There's
no greater responsibility than
taking care of a family, but a
mom also needs to take care of
herself. Four years in college is a
small price to pay for a lifetime
of answers and opportunity.
Thanks again for all the letters.
You can check out more replies online at
www.helpmeharlan.com.
Harlan is not a licensed psychologist,
therapist or physician, but he is a li
censed driver.
Write Harlan via e-mail at harlan@help
meharlan.com.
Send paper to Help Me,Harlan!
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