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About Oregon daily emerald. (Eugene, Or.) 1920-2012 | View Entire Issue (Feb. 10, 2000)
Thursday Editor in chief: Laura Cadiz Editorial Editors: Bret Jacobson, Laura Lucas Newsroom: (541)346-5511 Room 300, Erb Memorial Union P.O. Box 3159, Eugene, OR 97403 E-mail: ode@oregon.uoregon.edu February 10,2000 Volume 101, Issue 94 Emerald to Now that the lightweight Republi can Steve Forbes is gone and there are two realistic challengers in each political party vying for the presidency, it’s time to get it on. In the seemingly eternal grudge match between Democrats and Republicans for the Leadership of the Free World interconti nental belt, with the bout to be seen on a Turner pay-per-view exclusive, it’s time to get down and dirty to see which man will be left standing. At the end, one bloodied victor will stand poised to control the LFW belt with the accompanying red line to Rus sia and a button that can make the world a little glowing ball for about 10,000 years. Of course, the match will have to be offi ciated by the only protest candidate left speaking his mind, ultra-conservative and amazingly erudite Alan Keyes. The special There will be no halftime in this wrestling match. Rather, it will be one long fight to the end. Just like Vince McMahon’s crowd, the bout will be rowdy, rude and fantastic spectator sport. Hard to say right now how the match will end in terms of the specific winner. In gen eralities, one man will stand alone atop a hill of defeated opponents and survey that which he will rule. And, chances are, he will regret his success as he must stoop down to deal with obnoxious fans, the me dia, and the script writers of the next battle. Look for the LFW on a cable system near you. Bret Jacobson is editorial editor for the Oregon Daily Emerald. His views do not necessarily represent those of the Emerald. He can be reached via e-mail at bja cobso@gladstone.uoregon.edu Jacobson guest announcer, a position that is a must for a tuxedo bout, can be given to today’s birthday boy George Stephanopoulos. The match, which some believe has been pre-decided, will follow that script very closely. Some believe this match has the .stars, like “Incumbent Al Gore” and G. W. Bush with nearly $70 million is akin to a Stone Cold Steve Austin, and the gratuitous underdog characters like “Little John Mc Cain” and Bill “The Big Brain” Bradley. If George “Little But Feisty” Stephanopoulo.s were here with us today there is no doubt he would say the big rum ble will start with all four warriors sizing each other up and doing their pre-match barking. They will claim they are the most worthy, the strongest, and they will argue there is no other proper end to the match save their complete victory. They will then denigrate their opponents and mock their shortcomings and reiterate with bravado that success is assured. Then the real battle starts within each party. The GOP candidates will start grap pling with each other, jockeying back and forth with the underdog showing surprisingly well, turning it into a real match and building anticipation in the spectators. The Democrats will fight over minor differences, at tempting to win the battle with style over substance. Then, after the two subplots are played to death and a decision is fi nally forced, the GOP victor will square off against the surviving Democrat in a battle that comes once every leap year. The two will give the usual pre match speeches about how much better each would look holding the LFW belt. They will pander to the crowds nonstop, attempt ing to get the few fans who care enough to go out and make a dif ference. They will promise better education, champion the single mother from Boston and pledge help to the rustic American farmer. They will claim a victory after every suplex, after every eye gouge and every close pinning to the mat. Bryan Dixon Emerald
