Thursday
Editor in chief: Laura Cadiz
Editorial Editors: Bret Jacobson, Laura Lucas
Newsroom: (541)346-5511
Room 300, Erb Memorial Union
P.O. Box 3159, Eugene, OR 97403
E-mail: ode@oregon.uoregon.edu
February 10,2000
Volume 101, Issue 94
Emerald
to
Now that the lightweight Republi
can Steve Forbes is gone and
there are two realistic challengers
in each political party vying for
the presidency, it’s time to get it on.
In the seemingly eternal grudge match
between Democrats and Republicans for
the Leadership of the Free World interconti
nental belt, with the bout to be seen on a
Turner pay-per-view exclusive, it’s time to
get down and dirty to see which man will
be left standing. At the end, one bloodied
victor will stand poised to control the LFW
belt with the accompanying red line to Rus
sia and a button that can make the world a
little glowing ball for about 10,000 years.
Of course, the match will have to be offi
ciated by the only protest candidate left
speaking his mind, ultra-conservative and
amazingly erudite Alan Keyes. The special
There will be no halftime in this
wrestling match. Rather, it will be one long
fight to the end. Just like Vince McMahon’s
crowd, the bout will be rowdy, rude and
fantastic spectator sport.
Hard to say right now how the match will
end in terms of the specific winner. In gen
eralities, one man will stand alone atop a
hill of defeated opponents and survey that
which he will rule. And, chances are, he
will regret his success as he must stoop
down to deal with obnoxious fans, the me
dia, and the script writers of the next battle.
Look for the LFW on a cable system near
you.
Bret Jacobson is editorial editor for the Oregon Daily
Emerald. His views do not necessarily represent those
of the Emerald. He can be reached via e-mail at bja
cobso@gladstone.uoregon.edu
Jacobson
guest announcer, a position that is a must
for a tuxedo bout, can be given to today’s
birthday boy George Stephanopoulos.
The match, which some believe has been
pre-decided, will follow that script very
closely. Some believe this match has the
.stars, like “Incumbent Al Gore” and G. W.
Bush with nearly $70 million is akin to a
Stone Cold Steve Austin, and the gratuitous
underdog characters like “Little John Mc
Cain” and Bill “The Big Brain” Bradley.
If George “Little But Feisty”
Stephanopoulo.s were here with us today
there is no doubt he would say the big rum
ble will start with all four warriors sizing
each other up and doing their pre-match
barking. They will claim they are the most
worthy, the strongest, and they will argue
there is no other proper end to the match
save their complete victory. They will then
denigrate their opponents and mock their
shortcomings and reiterate with bravado
that success is assured.
Then the real battle starts within each
party. The GOP candidates will start grap
pling with each other, jockeying back
and forth with the underdog showing
surprisingly well, turning it into a real
match and building anticipation in
the spectators. The Democrats will
fight over minor differences, at
tempting to win the battle with style
over substance.
Then, after the two subplots are
played to death and a decision is fi
nally forced, the GOP victor will
square off against the surviving
Democrat in a battle that comes
once every leap year.
The two will give the usual pre
match speeches about how much
better each would look holding
the LFW belt. They will pander
to the crowds nonstop, attempt
ing to get the few fans who care
enough to go out and make a dif
ference. They will promise better
education, champion the single
mother from Boston and pledge
help to the rustic American farmer.
They will claim a victory after every
suplex, after every eye gouge and
every close pinning to the mat.
Bryan Dixon Emerald