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About Oregon daily emerald. (Eugene, Or.) 1920-2012 | View Entire Issue (Jan. 31, 1997)
Double Take College papers typically cover everything from parking woes to the new campus bagel shop. But every so often, they turn heads with headline gems like these: Toilet swiped by lard-crazed vil lains — The Daily Lobo, U. of New Mexico Discovery Channel offers hours of arousal — The Daily Neb raskan, U. of Nebraska, Lincoln Drivers smash airborne bovine — Cornell Daily Sun, Cornell U., N.Y. 9 Masturbator disrupts library’s tranquility — The Daily Iowan, U. of Iowa Toothbrush-wielding groundhog startles woman in bathroom — The Penn, Indiana U. of Penn sylvania Animals parade to cathedral — The Daily Orange, Syracuse U. Alleged Zucchini Bandit to be tried — Daily Targum, Rutgers U., N.J. Man steals VCR; tries to use as cab fare — The Penn, Indiana U. of Pennsylvania Give mud a chance — The Georgetown Voice, Georgetown U. Latex allergies make rubber a scratch — The University Daily Kansan, U. of Kansas Christ not substitute for sex — The Kaleidoscope, U. of Alabama, Birmingham Woman wins weed war — The Northern Star, Northern Illinois U. BY AARON ZAVITZ U. of Nebraska, Omaha Illustration by Jamar Nicholas, La Salle U., Pa. In America, sports take the place of religion. Men, women, children and pets stash away their prayer books and holy water, grab a beer and turn on the boob tube to worship the gods of Dick Vitale, Terry Bradshaw and Greg Gumbel. I, on the other hand, look forward to sporting events like I look forward to rectal surgery. In fact, I’m frightened as hell of die-hard sports fans. They sit hypnotized before a televised altar chanting a mantra of their team’s greatness. (In Michigan, I believe people are required to chant “Go Blue!” 50 times before gaining residence.) My friend once told me, “Sporting events are as close to world peace as we will ever come.” It’s sad to think that our culture can come uogecner in narmony watcnmg glove-fisted, slobbering fools in shiny shorts pulverize each others’ brains to win a tacky gold belt. Look at the games that fill stadiums with * thousands of fans waving oversized foam ' hands and acting like first-class idiots. It’s unfortunate that people can’t drum up this kind of enthusiasm for other, more cultured spectator events. Take theater, for example. Why can’t there be gatherings after a great dramatic perfor mance, with half the city uniting and chanting, “Neil Simon kicks butt!” or “Tennessee Williams is No. 1!”? My girlfriend says if we ever have kids we’ll have to teach them to appreciate sports. But why? I refuse to force my children to bat around the skin of a dead animal just so they’ll have a reason to feel prejudice toward other states. “Hi. I’m Frank. I’m from Florida.” “Florida? Your baseball team isn’t worth crap. Get out of my state. With all these overzcalous sports fans today, I wouldn’t dis count the possibility of another civil war, which would finally prove who has the better state, the fiercest mascot and the tastiest stadium hot dogs. Maybe what sports fans really need is to watch Beaches three times a day and learn there’s more to life than watching guys knock each other’s teeth out with a hockey puck. Unfortunately, sports seem to be an American staple, and I guess no matter how many Bette Midler movies we force on these lunatics, the phenomenon will continue. But I still think Arthur Miller can whip an athlete’s butt any day. At the age oj 4, Aaron Zavitz was knocked unconscious by a Nerffootball, which may explain his bizarre aversion to all things athletic. University X, Jim Lasser, U. of Michigan Strip Tease HEY, DIDN'T SAVANNAH TECH WEP T08E CALLED VIE "TiGERS'’"jmi YEAH, BUT /T WAS VRETTYi OFFENSIVE To animals, VEPICTlN&i ThE Tl6ER fA SAVAGE, ANIMALISTIC' BEAST. Jk if* " Local 6 WAIT, ISN'T THAT WHAf A {[I6ER 15? ffOME ON, JIM. IN \WE JO'S NCTTHlNCn. i IS WHAT IT SEEMS j wg^tinfriiHinn# . mm *--- - - ym 50 WE 'RE NOT LOSING THIS 6AME? right. our shoe o , CONTRACT 15 GROSSING MORE PROFIT THAN THElRSl
