Double
Take
College papers typically
cover everything from parking
woes to the new campus bagel
shop. But every so often, they
turn heads with headline gems
like these:
Toilet swiped by lard-crazed vil
lains — The Daily Lobo, U. of
New Mexico
Discovery Channel offers hours
of arousal — The Daily Neb
raskan, U. of Nebraska, Lincoln
Drivers smash airborne bovine —
Cornell Daily Sun, Cornell U., N.Y.
9 Masturbator disrupts library’s
tranquility — The Daily Iowan,
U. of Iowa
Toothbrush-wielding groundhog
startles woman in bathroom —
The Penn, Indiana U. of Penn
sylvania
Animals parade to cathedral —
The Daily Orange, Syracuse U.
Alleged Zucchini Bandit to be tried
— Daily Targum, Rutgers U., N.J.
Man steals VCR; tries to use as
cab fare — The Penn, Indiana U.
of Pennsylvania
Give mud a chance — The
Georgetown Voice, Georgetown U.
Latex allergies make rubber a
scratch — The University Daily
Kansan, U. of Kansas
Christ not substitute for sex —
The Kaleidoscope, U. of
Alabama, Birmingham
Woman wins weed war — The
Northern Star, Northern Illinois U.
BY AARON ZAVITZ
U. of Nebraska, Omaha
Illustration by Jamar Nicholas, La Salle U., Pa.
In America, sports take the place of religion. Men,
women, children and pets stash away their prayer books
and holy water, grab a beer and turn on the boob tube
to worship the gods of Dick Vitale, Terry Bradshaw and
Greg Gumbel.
I, on the other hand, look forward to sporting events like I look forward to
rectal surgery. In fact, I’m frightened as hell of die-hard sports fans. They sit
hypnotized before a televised altar chanting a mantra of their team’s greatness.
(In Michigan, I believe people are required to chant “Go Blue!” 50 times
before gaining residence.)
My friend once told me, “Sporting events are as close to world peace as
we will ever come.” It’s sad to think that our culture
can come uogecner in narmony watcnmg
glove-fisted, slobbering fools in shiny
shorts pulverize each others’ brains to win a
tacky gold belt.
Look at the games that fill stadiums with
* thousands of fans waving oversized foam
' hands and acting like first-class idiots. It’s
unfortunate that people can’t drum up this
kind of enthusiasm for other, more cultured
spectator events.
Take theater, for example. Why can’t there
be gatherings after a great dramatic perfor
mance, with half the city uniting and chanting,
“Neil Simon kicks butt!” or “Tennessee
Williams is No. 1!”?
My girlfriend says if we ever have kids we’ll
have to teach them to appreciate sports. But why?
I refuse to force my children to bat around the skin of a
dead animal just so they’ll have a reason to feel prejudice
toward other states.
“Hi. I’m Frank. I’m from Florida.”
“Florida? Your baseball team isn’t worth crap. Get out of
my state.
With all these overzcalous sports fans today, I wouldn’t dis
count the possibility of another civil war, which would finally
prove who has the better state, the fiercest mascot and the tastiest
stadium hot dogs.
Maybe what sports fans really need is to watch Beaches three
times a day and learn there’s more to life than watching guys
knock each other’s teeth out with a hockey puck.
Unfortunately, sports seem to be an American staple, and I
guess no matter how many Bette Midler movies we force on
these lunatics, the phenomenon will continue.
But I still think Arthur Miller can whip an athlete’s butt
any day.
At the age oj 4, Aaron Zavitz was knocked unconscious by a Nerffootball,
which may explain his bizarre aversion to all things athletic.
University X, Jim Lasser, U. of Michigan
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