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About Oregon daily emerald. (Eugene, Or.) 1920-2012 | View Entire Issue (Aug. 21, 1995)
BY GLENN MCDONALD IlIIMM.K.V Si J I lit KS At I>s »S l Double Take Burn, Baby, Burn Fed up with years of self indulgent generational irony national fraternity Gamma Zeta Chi recently announced a ban on kitschy 70s references in all fraternity owned houses We re particularly strict about referencing a certain 19?0s family that is much more than a hunch.’ if you know what I'm talking about, said president Kip Kaplan at a press conference Any fraternity member caught singing School house Rock songs or publicly display mg Cheryl Tiegs posters will be immediately deactivated ' We re serious,- Kapian said No girts in those clingy iron on shirts, no novetty lunch buses and no late-night drunk cn choruses of a certain sound track that rhymes with Hatter Gay Fight Beaver Oh, yeah — and no playing ball In the house) " Kaplan was immediately impeached ALL-CONSUMING The products of our generation 1 \ I AM N I Wl VI V-SOMI VI AKS of social programming and mil lions of hours of television satu ration, but it lias finally been - . accomplished. I he advertising industry has created the perfect con sumer generation. I tcalt/cd thu fact week, when 1 ut, a IV ciinuMtcial fm Red Wall beet I was about st» hours into an afternoon of spurn [ttMraitittttltc so I was ailcads sus, rj'tiblc to suhtest, when I suited thinking Red Wolf scah. man I’m like a ted wolf I m mysterious and solttaiy Stalking moonlit lotro glades totally Cm a test ss.dt dude I hunt alone hesause I m like sou knoss. a lone huntei and shit So 1 bought a m pa, k ot Red Wolf As I sat dossil ssuh rat tits! tserr. I noticed 1 did tee! a lit tie more teiooous By the tilth beer, I wtt tlossn tight sasage Anyway. I se decided to stop fighting ami Isr the consume! I ss as born to I* Most of my opinions and safucs have been provided by TV as it is So I figure what the lies lot a less measly slollals I can base a brand new sell image labofMRidy staffed by the nation's fittest advemttng thinkers! first things lost I went out vcstctdai and (sought a Collette tsvm tarot I figured, those guvs that use Collet If ra/ots on I\ ate teal manly like and sess Soss don t get me wrong. Cm plenty manly like After all, I sscat i’augoiua outdoor sseat \i>u van tell just by looking at that lain! (lut l ttt lugged, man. I'm probably out climbing ionic breathtaking sma right now i Aimed with nt\ clove, comfortable ihavc, I went out ti get mme more prod Uvts the lurid ol product* that say "Mev I m voung ami hip and free I'm tin kind of guv who goci clubbing reads DfUul and hav a lot of sc* I got some cologne because Kale Mon dige gun that smell somewhere between love and madness I hen I bought a pan nl IK* Miitcm brejutc I m the tvj>c ut hluc tolUr fellow ilut i in jtinril tejiU expensive impoMor wntl ixmlv Also. bei4UVC I’m thrill trrkiai; Jiuj i n■ * a iop •'s the line » % speed moiinmn hike that hang* upside down sft mv apartment, right next to my vrtm , oumiv *kn and iftow board i felt pretty good, hut something wa* moving So 1 replaced ail mv furniture with cooI post-mod em vvikni finish Muff that look* like it came oil a Caribbean catgn boat I hen I bought some matte black electronic device* and wired them all togeth er into a centra! remote system with stereo cut round sound finally, 1 just put a down payment on a land Rover a mighty juggernaut ol a vehi cle that can handle all tel rams and go far 8*000 Tf, n.Tr' * C^Oi* >MV* ,-_~j K*WC> T wrr*4 I •**>**■ StoCK S*-**14 *&>■ nse*^;^ ■***v ^ £ £/6>4R*Trj I «*-<*«* >**r ^ .. ROC^ ^0^vuroo»T*D ReE v*r \ v &(x»V, \J<** If*** _ ^rr «.*•-#'’'» 7WF UITIMATF ConSui Ill I lev on j single unk • >t gjs L'ntimu njiclv. I dinged (lie bumper on j u jnm, mis* M ' III viuip. Granted jII thru- changes have been a bit expensive. but that's OK lir^ausc ( ommrrvf, in her mhtuir wisdom, has provided me wuh a wallet full of vmin cards It % a warm feeling, ictualb, has mg merged into this grand, allctKompassmg entity that i> consumer America Not unlike sav, the wav a massive gelatinous space blob incorporates the local townsfolk into itself, dissolving them ilowh and painfully until (heir boding flesh is literally melted from then Whoa' Sorry. getting a little off track there Hut you see my point Seth Lives Sebastian Conley, Harvard U. WAIT, PAvTE ' ~ YOU MgA*j you use twis <20mPuTtJt td PiCX _uPuuomcnF cr ccuftze, MIKC. ve rr^ wJWkpu; Uueu„x...x yjeuLt*rr fcTKiO.« U)«e«E TO Stakt: jUvT TYP* SC MCTMI vfcu Meve* kxx>jo UlUO'C 3irr -rweer.' XT'^ OtAlty >(MA21W&: SfcMJ CDU\.t> B£ ~TAUQ^fir uorrw TMC SUEEXi CP Oj&cakjO A>o& "Ttxi t> KJEVW* EVtXl kwcwj it.' HEY V©U SI22UW’ &-F.D OF STSAMV UVT— v'*' Her R?e '■rfcu, mc*Uv». ■■■ / w &
