BY GLENN
MCDONALD
IlIIMM.K.V Si J I lit KS
At I>s »S l
Double
Take
Burn, Baby,
Burn
Fed up with years of self
indulgent generational irony
national fraternity Gamma
Zeta Chi recently announced a
ban on kitschy 70s references
in all fraternity owned houses
We re particularly strict
about referencing a certain
19?0s family that is much
more than a hunch.’ if you
know what I'm talking about,
said president Kip Kaplan at a
press conference
Any fraternity member
caught singing School house
Rock songs or publicly display
mg Cheryl Tiegs posters will be
immediately deactivated
' We re serious,- Kapian
said No girts in those clingy
iron on shirts, no novetty lunch
buses and no late-night drunk
cn choruses of a certain sound
track that rhymes with Hatter
Gay Fight Beaver Oh, yeah —
and no playing ball In the
house) "
Kaplan was immediately
impeached
ALL-CONSUMING
The products of
our generation
1 \ I AM N I Wl VI V-SOMI VI AKS
of social programming and mil
lions of hours of television satu
ration, but it lias finally been
- . accomplished. I he advertising
industry has created the perfect con
sumer generation.
I tcalt/cd thu fact week, when 1 ut, a IV
ciinuMtcial fm Red Wall beet I was about st»
hours into an afternoon of spurn [ttMraitittttltc
so I was ailcads sus, rj'tiblc to suhtest, when I
suited thinking
Red Wolf scah. man I’m like a ted wolf
I m mysterious and solttaiy Stalking moonlit lotro
glades totally Cm a test ss.dt dude I hunt alone
hesause I m like sou knoss. a lone huntei and shit
So 1 bought a m pa, k ot Red Wolf As I sat
dossil ssuh rat tits! tserr. I noticed 1 did tee! a lit
tie more teiooous By the tilth beer, I wtt tlossn
tight sasage
Anyway. I se decided to stop fighting ami Isr the
consume! I ss as born to I* Most of my opinions
and safucs have been provided by TV as it is So I
figure what the lies lot a less measly slollals I
can base a brand new sell image labofMRidy staffed
by the nation's fittest advemttng thinkers!
first things lost I went out vcstctdai and
(sought a Collette tsvm tarot I figured, those guvs
that use Collet If ra/ots on I\ ate teal manly like
and sess Soss don t get me wrong. Cm plenty
manly like After all, I sscat i’augoiua outdoor sseat
\i>u van tell just by looking at that lain! (lut l ttt
lugged, man. I'm
probably out
climbing ionic
breathtaking sma
right now i
Aimed with nt\
clove, comfortable
ihavc, I went out ti
get mme more prod
Uvts the lurid ol
product* that say
"Mev I m voung ami
hip and free I'm tin
kind of guv who goci
clubbing reads DfUul
and hav a lot of sc*
I got some
cologne because
Kale Mon dige
gun that smell
somewhere between
love and madness
I hen I bought a pan
nl IK* Miitcm brejutc I m the tvj>c
ut hluc tolUr fellow ilut i in jtinril
tejiU expensive impoMor wntl ixmlv
Also. bei4UVC I’m thrill trrkiai; Jiuj
i n■ * a iop •'s the line » % speed
moiinmn hike that hang* upside down sft mv
apartment, right next to my vrtm , oumiv *kn and
iftow board
i felt pretty good, hut something wa* moving
So 1 replaced ail mv furniture with cooI post-mod
em vvikni finish Muff that look* like it came oil a
Caribbean catgn boat I hen I bought some matte
black electronic device* and wired them all togeth
er into a centra! remote system with stereo cut
round sound finally, 1 just put a down payment
on a land Rover a mighty juggernaut ol a vehi
cle that can handle all tel rams and go far 8*000
Tf, n.Tr' *
C^Oi*
>MV*
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wrr*4 I •**>**■
StoCK S*-**14
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7WF UITIMATF
ConSui
Ill I lev
on j single unk
• >t gjs L'ntimu
njiclv. I dinged
(lie bumper on j
u jnm, mis* M ' III viuip.
Granted jII thru- changes have been a bit
expensive. but that's OK lir^ausc ( ommrrvf, in
her mhtuir wisdom, has provided me wuh a wallet
full of vmin cards It % a warm feeling, ictualb, has
mg merged into this grand, allctKompassmg entity
that i> consumer America Not unlike sav, the wav
a massive gelatinous space blob incorporates the
local townsfolk into itself, dissolving them ilowh
and painfully until (heir boding flesh is literally
melted from then
Whoa' Sorry. getting a little off track there Hut
you see my point
Seth Lives Sebastian Conley, Harvard U.
WAIT, PAvTE ' ~
YOU MgA*j you
use twis
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