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About Oregon daily emerald. (Eugene, Or.) 1920-2012 | View Entire Issue (Jan. 29, 1987)
Off* the Cuff Entrance Exam Pilot Study Let’s find a true test of a student’s smarts. Wc want m! We want in! Hvcrybody who went to grade school remembers that old chant. It brings back memories of snotty-nosed kills huddled by a door, freezing their little tushes off. And all of this after they just screamed so hard to be let out for recess Who can forget the looks on the faces of the teachers, smiling as they kept the doors shut, wat ching the one kid with his tongue stuck to the swing set? And still it rang out. “We want in! We want in!” Right now University officials are hearing that chant again, but this time from hopeful applicants to the University. How will they decide which ones to let in? Probably on the basis of a lot of tests such as the ACT and the SAT. These tests are fine and dan dy. but they don't measure the true knowledge of a student What is needed is a standard test that measures the true knowledge of the student, his or her chances of surviving here. If the applicants pass, they’re in. It’s that easy. Here is an example of a test that would measure the "true” knowledge a student needs to possess: I. You have just run into Fred die. the neighbor kid. while he was riding his bike, and he is now imbedded in the bug screen of your car. What should you say to his father? a) “Want to buy a Stingray bike real cheap? It's |ii\t like your son's.” b) “I'm sure that roadkill in the street is an opossum Note the hairy body, the pointy nose, the “Lost in Space” lunehbox. Definitely an opposum." c) “Looks like suicide, Mr. Finster Must have been listen ing to those satanic lyrics. He even scrawled the name of that heavy metal group “Goodyear” on his forehead. No doubt he was possessed.” d) “Your son rode his bike right into my car! Do you know how much the welders are gonna charge me to remove him? I figure $500 and we're even. And I'm letting you off easy too. 2. The best example of survival of the fittest is: a) Stealing money from the Salvation Army at Christmas because the bell ringers always wear those bulky Santa suits and can’t run after you. b) Opening cereal boxes in stores just to take the prizes. c) Biting into a rotten-tasting candy, shaping it back into its original form, putting it back in the box. and taking another one. d) All of the above. 3. Which of the following sentences would be the most in appropriate to say? a) “You think you’re pretty smart now . don’t you. Mr Doe. Well, we'll see who's laughing when 1 give your name to the I GRAND OPENING SPECIAL FREE Wash Load With student ID (Up 2/4/87) ItATUPES * Attended Laundromat And Dry Cleaning ‘>ervire * Maytag Computerized Eoutoment * Study Tables * Homestyie Atmosphere * low Cost Dry Cleaning Si 2S/lb * Option Tor Us To Do Vour laundry $ 40/lb ^ CHECK OUT THIS MONTH S CLEANINC SPECIAL $3:95.Sleeping Bags and Comforters $3.50.winter coats EZ DUZ IT At Market Place west 5151 W 1ith 484 0271 7am 10pm Seven Davs a Week Illustration by Lorraine Rath These tests are fine and dandy, but they don’t measure the true knowledge of a student. What is need ed is a standard test that measures the true knowledge of the student, his or her chances of surviving here. police.*' b) ‘‘Hah! Let's see you try it. tough guy!’* c) “Drop by anytime." d) a and b 4. What is the best thing to say to your professor to ensure a good grade? a) ‘‘This is purely hypothetical, but if a boulder, by some chance, rolls over your car while you’re in it, will anybody else know my grade?" b) "Wash your car! Shine your shoes! Strangle your kid!" c) "Will 33.4 mol. of H2S04 fully dissolve the car seat of, say, well, what do you drive?" d) a and c 5. Ko/.lowski, a well-known philosopher, is best known for what famous axiom? a) The shortest distance bet ween two points is a friend’s car. /- nacKsta ge ^ j DANCEWEAR J Uapezios been dancing: since 1887 ★ Dance Shoes ★ Leotards ★ Tights ★ Warm-ups 41 W Broadway Downtown Mall 686-2671 • Sundays 12-4 b) A gun in hand is worth lots at the hank. c) People with 8:30 classes arc just plain stupid. d) All of the above. 6. Which of the following would be the most economical date? a) Climbing Spencer Butte, driving a friend’s car up there of course, and enjoying Hamms beer and pork rinds while wat ching the sun set. b) Going to the drive-in on carload night. If payment is per body, your date must ride in the trunk. c) Stay at home and read poetry. Corny, but very economical. d) All of the above. 7. What would be the best way to scare your mother? a) “Do we have a rebate on Grandma? I kind of ran over her with the rototiller.” b) “Do we have any Band Aids? I need lots of them. Big ones too.” c) “Have you ever known me to be anything but careful?” d) “Some guy from the col lege wants to talk to you. A ‘Dean’ somebody.” 8. Match each sentence with its true meaning? a) “I saw a knifing take place here.” b) “It's hard to avoid all that pot at concerts.” e) Chef s surprise. 1) “Especially when I was the one smoking it.” 2) Whatever the chef hit on the way to work. 3) “Mainly because 1 was the one doing it.” 9. Is Jim Morrison dead’ Explain. Answers: You dunked, you clod! Any fool who reads this is never going to graduate. Better luck next time. JIM WEEKS Spectrum_ A publication of the Oregon Daily Emerald Editor . Curtis Condon Assistant Editor . Stephen Maher Contributors: Bobbie Lo, Lorraine Rath, Laurie Schwartz, Marty Schwarzbauer, Alyson Simmons, Jim Weeks the editor* will not he responsible for unsolicited manuscripts or artwork. Submissions must nulude a stamped, self-addressed enveloi'e \\ riter s guidelines mav be picked up at the Oregon Daily Emerald office, Rm '00, l ib Memorial l nion. Mailing address for S|x-ctrum magazine is Pc'). Box US1), Eugene, Oregon >47403.
