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About Oregon daily emerald. (Eugene, Or.) 1920-2012 | View Entire Issue (May 20, 1982)
Making marriages work Engagement 1encounter ’ allows couples to think before ‘they do ’ "Till death do us part" seems to con- < tradict Oregon's 44-percent divorce rate, 1 but a special weekend retreat may help those contemplating married life from I becoming another statistic Resolving problems before marriage is the emphasis of "Engaged Encounter,” a I weekend getaway that costs $75 per cou ple. The retreat takes engaged couples away from the city and along the McKenzie River to allow time for reflection and candid discussion about their future together Although the sessions are sponsored by local Catholic Church affiliates, they are open to anyone regardless of religious background. Married couples and a priest volunteer their time to act as hosts to the < engaged couples Frank discussions in which married cou ples share personal experiences about their own engagements and married lives will help engaged couples know what’s ahead, according to Father Patrick La Belle of the Eugene Newman Center Aside from group discussions, engaged couples spend most of their time alone together. Each couple keep separate jour nals which later are read by the other partner Responses to questions such as “Have you ever been bored or lost interest in your partner and why?" and "Which of the fol lowing areas have I been afraid to talk to you about: sex?, drinking?, children?" are logged in their journals and exchanged to :ompare what the other has written. During his time, the two can talk out any issues. Peter and Katy Mangin attended Engaged Encounter last October Peter is a Universi y graduate and Katy is a student. They say the encounter was a definite benefit to their relationship Faced with questions like "Who's going o cook?”, "Who will do the banking?" and How frequently do you expect to have sex?", the two say they reviewed matters hey'd face in their marriage which are often gnored or had taken for granted during an jngagement period “If there were questions couples had about each other, things that they were not joing to work through, they'd find out," <aty Mangin says. "I'm certain some people night be surprised to find that their priori ties on certain issues are different "The encounter really gets down to the Titty-gritty. You take so many things for granted when you think you know someone nside and out," she says The weekend centered on intimate dis cussion, but the Mangins found they were n't the only ones revealing themselves rhe married hosts leading group discus sions disclosed various anecdotes and ecollections of their early years of mar iage “Somehow the joking cushioned what we nad to say too,” Katy Mangin adds, especially if something was particularly difficult to express ” Program teaches marriage communication skills Getting married is a little like learning to drive a car, says a University psychology profes sor. In order to drive a car we take classes, learn the skill and oDtain a license A married couple must obtain a license too, says Robert Weiss, but they never are required to learn marriage skills “We spend more time teach ing people how to drive safely than we do teaching people how to get along," says Weiss who is also a marriage specialist Weiss directs the Oregon Ma rital Studies Program, designed to help couples get along through improved communica tion skills The program is taught by psychology profes sors and graduate students and offers answers to couples who wish to improve their relationships or acquire skills to help work through conflicts “We advocate couples be in a position to resolve their differ ences," Weiss explains “If they can't, well that's OK, but we don't want to see couples get ting divorced because the ash trays were full or because someone was wearing the wrong perfume ” Because society tends to romanticize marriage, couples don't see marriage as part of their daily experiences, he says "That is why people crack Couples aren't prepared for it." Cliches like “If you love me you'll know what I want” or "Sex is supposed to be easy" are irrational and get in the way of a good relationship The marital studies program chooses not to talk in terms of "problems’’ but in terms of “skills," Weiss says, "Research tells us certain things We know the impact your partner has on you in terms of communication skills, so your relationship five years from now is predictable " The program teaches pre marriage enrichment, works with couples in their initial years of marriage and counsels very distressed couples Depending on a couples needs, the pro gram might incorporate nego tiation, problem-solving exer cises and even video-taping "Living with another person does not come naturally," Weiss says "People need to get it through their heads that like any skill — swimming, writing, dancing, art - a good marriage doesn't just happen It takes practice." J MAY WE SUGGEST OUR SUNDAY BUFFET A Variety of Salads, Freshly Prepared Vegetables and Delicious Entrees For Only $5.45 Seniors $4.75 V_I i-—J EUGENE-HOLIDOME complimentary champagne 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. i ✓ 225 COBURG ROAD EUGENE. OREGON 97401 503/342-5181 Stories by Mary Campbell Graphic by Michael Schafbuch
