Making marriages work
Engagement 1encounter ’ allows
couples to think before ‘they do ’
"Till death do us part" seems to con- <
tradict Oregon's 44-percent divorce rate, 1
but a special weekend retreat may help
those contemplating married life from I
becoming another statistic
Resolving problems before marriage is
the emphasis of "Engaged Encounter,” a I
weekend getaway that costs $75 per cou
ple. The retreat takes engaged couples
away from the city and along the McKenzie
River to allow time for reflection and candid
discussion about their future together
Although the sessions are sponsored by
local Catholic Church affiliates, they are
open to anyone regardless of religious
background. Married couples and a priest
volunteer their time to act as hosts to the <
engaged couples
Frank discussions in which married cou
ples share personal experiences about their
own engagements and married lives will
help engaged couples know what’s ahead,
according to Father Patrick La Belle of the
Eugene Newman Center
Aside from group discussions, engaged
couples spend most of their time alone
together. Each couple keep separate jour
nals which later are read by the other
partner
Responses to questions such as “Have
you ever been bored or lost interest in your
partner and why?" and "Which of the fol
lowing areas have I been afraid to talk to you
about: sex?, drinking?, children?" are
logged in their journals and exchanged to
:ompare what the other has written. During
his time, the two can talk out any issues.
Peter and Katy Mangin attended Engaged
Encounter last October Peter is a Universi
y graduate and Katy is a student.
They say the encounter was a definite
benefit to their relationship
Faced with questions like "Who's going
o cook?”, "Who will do the banking?" and
How frequently do you expect to have
sex?", the two say they reviewed matters
hey'd face in their marriage which are often
gnored or had taken for granted during an
jngagement period
“If there were questions couples had
about each other, things that they were not
joing to work through, they'd find out,"
<aty Mangin says. "I'm certain some people
night be surprised to find that their priori
ties on certain issues are different
"The encounter really gets down to the
Titty-gritty. You take so many things for
granted when you think you know someone
nside and out," she says
The weekend centered on intimate dis
cussion, but the Mangins found they were
n't the only ones revealing themselves
rhe married hosts leading group discus
sions disclosed various anecdotes and
ecollections of their early years of mar
iage
“Somehow the joking cushioned what we
nad to say too,” Katy Mangin adds,
especially if something was particularly
difficult to express ”
Program teaches marriage communication skills
Getting married is a little like
learning to drive a car, says a
University psychology profes
sor. In order to drive a car we
take classes, learn the skill and
oDtain a license
A married couple must obtain
a license too, says Robert
Weiss, but they never are
required to learn marriage skills
“We spend more time teach
ing people how to drive safely
than we do teaching people how
to get along," says Weiss who is
also a marriage specialist
Weiss directs the Oregon Ma
rital Studies Program, designed
to help couples get along
through improved communica
tion skills The program is
taught by psychology profes
sors and graduate students and
offers answers to couples who
wish to improve their
relationships or acquire skills to
help work through conflicts
“We advocate couples be in a
position to resolve their differ
ences," Weiss explains “If they
can't, well that's OK, but we
don't want to see couples get
ting divorced because the ash
trays were full or because
someone was wearing the
wrong perfume ”
Because society tends to
romanticize marriage, couples
don't see marriage as part of
their daily experiences, he says
"That is why people crack
Couples aren't prepared for it."
Cliches like “If you love me
you'll know what I want” or
"Sex is supposed to be easy"
are irrational and get in the way
of a good relationship
The marital studies program
chooses not to talk in terms of
"problems’’ but in terms of
“skills," Weiss says, "Research
tells us certain things We know
the impact your partner has on
you in terms of communication
skills, so your relationship five
years from now is predictable "
The program teaches pre
marriage enrichment, works
with couples in their initial years
of marriage and counsels very
distressed couples Depending
on a couples needs, the pro
gram might incorporate nego
tiation, problem-solving exer
cises and even video-taping
"Living with another person
does not come naturally,"
Weiss says "People need to get
it through their heads that like
any skill — swimming, writing,
dancing, art - a good marriage
doesn't just happen It takes
practice."
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✓
225 COBURG ROAD EUGENE. OREGON 97401 503/342-5181
Stories by Mary Campbell
Graphic by Michael Schafbuch