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About Oregon daily emerald. (Eugene, Or.) 1920-2012 | View Entire Issue (Nov. 24, 1981)
opinion gabne! boehmer editor’s note Fundamental to the success of the University's educational mission is providing opportunities for liberal arts and professional education so its students will be able to render effective service in a rapidly changing society and meet the needs of the nation in all areas of human endeavor But that takes money Inevitably, administrators will have to eliminate some educational services, combine others and develop previously untapped sources of revenue to keep this university solvent In an effort to stimulate discussion among policy makers—and even students—on this matter, I offer the following suggestions to cut expenses even closer to the bone and to create new revenue • Combine all area studies and foreign languages into one department, forcing all students to learn Esperanto • Convert all lecture halls from open seating to reserved seating, with a sliding scale of prices for seats closer to the front • Reestablish the University as a cult where students would dress in yellow and green uniforms and would be required to sign over all their worldly possessions—and all their parents —to the University upon admission Instead of the common mantra om.’ students would chant ''olum " Accepting University Pres Paul Olum as their guru, students would no longer be troubled with educational policy disputes with Johnson Hall since Olum's word would be The Word in all matters • Legalize all narcotics commonly used on campus and distribute them, for a fee through the Drug Information Center • Lease all rights to timber still standing on campus to local timber baron Aaron Jones • Require all students to post their renter s refund check with Accounts Receivable against a record of their class attendance for the term One dollar would be deducted for each missed class • Replace campus security with ROTC cadets who would aggressively patrol the dormitories to stamp out immorality • Convert the photography darkroom in Allen Hall to a next-day film processing store to be managed by journ alism Prof Dunkin McDonald • Abolish the ASUO and the IFC and buy their executives the game Risk so they can still play political games but without any expense to the university • Pay faculty and administrators travel expenses only one-way • Close off all university athletic facilities to faculty and students and sell memberships to a newly formed country club to residents of the Eugene-Springfield area • Rent billboard space on the sides of all campus buildings and along all jogging and biking trails Joggers and bikers would be encouraged to sell advertising space on their shoes shorts and shirts to manufacturers of sporting equipment • Sell books from the university library's huge overstock of newly acquired volumes • Rent recently abandoned Howe Field to the Eugene Sports Program • Rent individual rooms in the president's mansion to low-income students with families on a month-to-month basis Occupancy should be limited to seven persons per room • Install a system of parking meters for bicycles on campus, none of which would exceed 24 minutes • Replace all faculty and administrators phones with stand-up pay phones to discourage local and long-dis tance calling • Sell all university dormitories as condominiums to in coming freshman Resdents. of course, would pay an extra fee for maintenance of tennis courts and swimming pools • Convert all administrative positions to work-study qualified positions • Develop a pool of private firms and individuals to sponsor all university departments and activities For instance, the football team would be sponsored by the San Diego Chargers, the journalism school by the Associated Press and the law school by local timber baron Aaron Jones • Install coin-operated locks on all university toilets • Hire ESCAPE volunteers to teach most university courses • Pass the collection plate at all university classes im mediately before grades must be submitted to the registrar etters Bravo, Emerald BRAVO. Emerald Sports Staff The Baremeter is the best I've seen in years Fact is it's the only one I've seen in years Outstanding Best part is that It doesn't have to be graded on a curve Rob Phillips Professor of Journalism Slightly amused Dear Ducks, Many of us here at Oregon State University were slightly amused at the bush league parody paper you sent to us yesterday really, three pages dedicated to knocking our football team one would think you wouldn't have the time to take away from praising your ‘ bowl bound' team' What bowl was thaf7 I hear the Tidy Bowl is considering you!1 firm* my. JUSTUS Back Ksjj'BijCKrr OtNfRKL w .1 ?oorw. loose arms-reduction talk gave him a nasty turn. hey, general, ITS OK — OUR PASSIVE PENTAGON BUI&ET IS STILL INTACT ' As for basketball (you brought it up). I would like to tell you that many of us here at OSU enjoyed your game with Nicole State and Chico State last year and were wondering if you ve lined up the ever-tough Harpo and Groucho State teams for this year7 We understand you re greatly im proved even after losing your big guns Felton Sneezly and Ron "The Stick" Burner Lost a couple of others, too7 What was it7 Couldn't read7 Too bad so sad' Really hope to hear from you folks again soon Keep us posted on how the Sodomy charges go By the way, how's the old baseball program going7 Understand you re looking forward to your first undefeated season7' Next time you send a paper try putting your names on it unless you re ashamed of your work which would be quite understandable' Mark Herman, OSU Senior, Engr. Baremeter enjoyed Just wanted to drop you a line from Corvallis the cultural center of the universe I immensely enjoyed your Nov 18 issue of the Baremeter I he stories were humorous throughout The layout and makeup of the paper were very similar to that of the Baro It's obvious the people responsible tor this publica tion did their homework and put a lot of time arid effort into their work The stories were not only funny, but most were right on target The Baro has a long history of sportswriters who are not only ignorant, but incompetent and obnoxious To compensate for their ineptitude these writers pull stories straight off the wire and put them into the Baro (l,m sure you re aware of the tremendous effort and responsibility this requires ) When they attempt to rely upon their own knowledge and writing talent the stories are often riddled with inaccuracies, misspellings, and wrong names (Phil Righetti7) Other favorites were the letter to the editor from Irvin Harres, the bowling for dollars story, and the frat donates statue story The only thing you forgot were the "Roses are red, violets are blue I'm (choose one psyched, keyed, pumped) for the (choose one H D , ski trip, hay ride) with you fratgoozie personals which clutter the classified section Great )ob! You livened up an otherwise typically boring day here I'm looking forward to a second annual issue next year7! Well. I've got to go slop the hogs now See you at Duffy s the next time Hot Whacks is there Bill Reader OSU
