opinion
gabne! boehmer
editor’s note
Fundamental to the success of the University's
educational mission is providing opportunities for liberal
arts and professional education so its students will be able
to render effective service in a rapidly changing society
and meet the needs of the nation in all areas of human
endeavor
But that takes money
Inevitably, administrators will have to eliminate some
educational services, combine others and develop
previously untapped sources of revenue to keep this
university solvent
In an effort to stimulate discussion among policy
makers—and even students—on this matter, I offer the
following suggestions to cut expenses even closer to the
bone and to create new revenue
• Combine all area studies and foreign languages into one
department, forcing all students to learn Esperanto
• Convert all lecture halls from open seating to reserved
seating, with a sliding scale of prices for seats closer to the
front
• Reestablish the University as a cult where students
would dress in yellow and green uniforms and would be
required to sign over all their worldly possessions—and all
their parents —to the University upon admission
Instead of the common mantra om.’ students would
chant ''olum " Accepting University Pres Paul Olum as
their guru, students would no longer be troubled with
educational policy disputes with Johnson Hall since
Olum's word would be The Word in all matters
• Legalize all narcotics commonly used on campus and
distribute them, for a fee through the Drug Information
Center
• Lease all rights to timber still standing on campus to local
timber baron Aaron Jones
• Require all students to post their renter s refund check
with Accounts Receivable against a record of their class
attendance for the term One dollar would be deducted for
each missed class
• Replace campus security with ROTC cadets who would
aggressively patrol the dormitories to stamp out immorality
• Convert the photography darkroom in Allen Hall to a
next-day film processing store to be managed by journ
alism Prof Dunkin McDonald
• Abolish the ASUO and the IFC and buy their executives
the game Risk so they can still play political games but
without any expense to the university
• Pay faculty and administrators travel expenses only
one-way
• Close off all university athletic facilities to faculty and
students and sell memberships to a newly formed country
club to residents of the Eugene-Springfield area
• Rent billboard space on the sides of all campus buildings
and along all jogging and biking trails Joggers and bikers
would be encouraged to sell advertising space on their
shoes shorts and shirts to manufacturers of sporting
equipment
• Sell books from the university library's huge overstock of
newly acquired volumes
• Rent recently abandoned Howe Field to the Eugene
Sports Program
• Rent individual rooms in the president's mansion to
low-income students with families on a month-to-month
basis Occupancy should be limited to seven persons per
room
• Install a system of parking meters for bicycles on
campus, none of which would exceed 24 minutes
• Replace all faculty and administrators phones with
stand-up pay phones to discourage local and long-dis
tance calling
• Sell all university dormitories as condominiums to in
coming freshman Resdents. of course, would pay an extra
fee for maintenance of tennis courts and swimming pools
• Convert all administrative positions to work-study
qualified positions
• Develop a pool of private firms and individuals to sponsor
all university departments and activities For instance, the
football team would be sponsored by the San Diego
Chargers, the journalism school by the Associated Press
and the law school by local timber baron Aaron Jones
• Install coin-operated locks on all university toilets
• Hire ESCAPE volunteers to teach most university
courses
• Pass the collection plate at all university classes im
mediately before grades must be submitted to the registrar
etters
Bravo, Emerald
BRAVO. Emerald Sports Staff
The Baremeter is the best I've seen in years Fact is
it's the only one I've seen in years Outstanding Best part
is that It doesn't have to be graded on a curve
Rob Phillips
Professor of Journalism
Slightly amused
Dear Ducks,
Many of us here at Oregon State University were
slightly amused at the bush league parody paper you sent
to us yesterday really, three pages dedicated to
knocking our football team one would think you wouldn't
have the time to take away from praising your ‘ bowl
bound' team' What bowl was thaf7 I hear the Tidy Bowl is
considering you!1
firm* my.
JUSTUS Back
Ksjj'BijCKrr
OtNfRKL
w .1
?oorw. loose arms-reduction talk gave him a nasty turn. hey, general,
ITS OK — OUR PASSIVE PENTAGON BUI&ET IS STILL INTACT '
As for basketball (you brought it up). I would like to tell
you that many of us here at OSU enjoyed your game with
Nicole State and Chico State last year and were wondering
if you ve lined up the ever-tough Harpo and Groucho State
teams for this year7 We understand you re greatly im
proved even after losing your big guns Felton Sneezly and
Ron "The Stick" Burner Lost a couple of others, too7 What
was it7 Couldn't read7 Too bad so sad'
Really hope to hear from you folks again soon Keep
us posted on how the Sodomy charges go By the way,
how's the old baseball program going7 Understand you re
looking forward to your first undefeated season7'
Next time you send a paper try putting your names on
it unless you re ashamed of your work which would
be quite understandable'
Mark Herman, OSU
Senior, Engr.
Baremeter enjoyed
Just wanted to drop you a line from Corvallis the
cultural center of the universe I immensely enjoyed your
Nov 18 issue of the Baremeter
I he stories were humorous throughout The layout
and makeup of the paper were very similar to that of the
Baro It's obvious the people responsible tor this publica
tion did their homework and put a lot of time arid effort into
their work
The stories were not only funny, but most were right
on target The Baro has a long history of sportswriters who
are not only ignorant, but incompetent and obnoxious To
compensate for their ineptitude these writers pull stories
straight off the wire and put them into the Baro (l,m sure
you re aware of the tremendous effort and responsibility
this requires ) When they attempt to rely upon their own
knowledge and writing talent the stories are often riddled
with inaccuracies, misspellings, and wrong names (Phil
Righetti7)
Other favorites were the letter to the editor from Irvin
Harres, the bowling for dollars story, and the frat donates
statue story The only thing you forgot were the "Roses are
red, violets are blue I'm (choose one psyched, keyed,
pumped) for the (choose one H D , ski trip, hay ride) with
you fratgoozie personals which clutter the classified
section
Great )ob! You livened up an otherwise typically
boring day here I'm looking forward to a second annual
issue next year7! Well. I've got to go slop the hogs now See
you at Duffy s the next time Hot Whacks is there
Bill Reader
OSU