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About Oregon daily emerald. (Eugene, Or.) 1920-2012 | View Entire Issue (Nov. 17, 1978)
| 1I^ Living together ain’t always all it’s cracked up to be, VA w La La I %A when it’s not, a marital studies program might help By ANN TRENEMAN Of the Emerald "Well, rm glad you finally got home. Do you know what hap pened today. Your kid..." "Don’t you have any other way to say hello to me after..." " Just let me finish. I don't know what to do - I yell..." "Are we gonna fight about this again, because if we are..." "You're damn right we are. Its Tie Curate Shakespeare As You Like It by Don Nigro Nowmter 3, 4. 9.10, 11.16.17.18 Mverwty Theatre Fashionable Wool Jackets Valley River Center your problem too, or had you for got..." "I won't stand here while you complain about the same..." A deep voice interrupts. ‘‘Well, you did that well. Do you see that each of you were so involved with your own emotion that you couldn’t possibly even begin to lis ten to one another?” The couple, who had been mar ried five years, look at each other and nod. They are one of over 150 couples that have sought help within the past decade from the University’s Marital Studies Prog ram. “Now, what I’d like you to do is for you, Evelyn, to just listen to Chris and then repeat what he says. Then you do the same for Evelyn, Chris,” says psychology professor Bob Weiss, director of the therapy and research center. After parroting each other, the couple paraphrases what each other has said. Then they attempt to listen and respond to what they think their partner is feeling. Learning to listen is one of the many communication techniques couples leam while in the mar riage program. In spite of its title, the program, located in Straub Hail, is also available to unmarried couples living together, and homosexual couples. Although it has an international reputation, the program is still a novelty in the marriage therapy field. Marital therapies range from anything as esoteric as psychic work to the widely-used psychoanalytical methods. The MSP is based in behavioral theory and deals exclusively with improv ing the manner in which couples relate. "We Iook at chains of be havior,” Weiss says. “ ‘What are they doing with each other?’ is the question we constantly ask our selves.” Eight graduate students and anywhere from two to six students are doing research work with Weiss in the program. There are r OrmpNc by Tom Bt* currently openings tor couples who want counseling. Exactly what is a ‘ stressed” re lationship? “For stressed couples, it seems a good day is not having a bad day,” Weiss says. "And that's not the way to be in a rela tionship. A relationship isn’t the absence of pain but also the pres ence of positives.” As couples get involved with the program it becomes obvious that they haven't learned to communi cate effectively with each other, says Gary Weider, a therapist and second-year graduate student in clinical psychology. “If they can’t agree on who can spend the money, or tell each SEX - NATURAL and SAFE Are you tired of CONDOMS that feel like a rubber glove? Have you ever wanted to examine different condoms but have been re luctant to purchase them in a store? Would you like to examine and test FREE of CHARGE or obligation two each ol eighteen different styles of the ULTIMATE in SEXUAL PLEASURE CONDOMS ever to be produced? If your answer is yes, you would like to examine and test 36 FREE ULTIMATE PLEASURE CONDOMS without any obligation then this annoucement in meant for you. 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A more unique gift you could not find for a friend. Send $1.00 for each carton you want to cover postage No personal checks accepted . Offer expires November 30.1978 Manufacturers Sampler Service 1305 • 3rd Ave. WtgwiMlwiroiirMiMtntfiddiMivW Suite 515 Seattle, Wa. 98101 Mm ft* u**tf lot tutun muihng«. other how much should be spent without fighting — well their prot> lem really is that they can’t talk to each other," he says. Weiss confirms that most peo ple upon entering the program have little idea of what working on a relationship means. “The at titude often is, 'If you could only do something about him or her....” During the 10-week program couples work on pinpointing specific problem areas; identifying and increasing behaviour which gives their partner pleasure; using communication techniques to solve problems; and learning techniques to cope with a change — such as a baby — in the rela tionship. „ The couple is videotaped with out the two therapists in the room. Two trained people watch the tape and using a marital interaction coding system will code the in teraction. The system, devised by Weiss, is made up of 30 behaviors — such as agree, disagree, smile, positive physical contact, ques tion. interrupt. After the couple's interaction has been coded, the information is fed into a computer which analyzes the information. “We do a lot of assessment in this program," Weiss says. “For instance, if every time someone makes a request, they giggle, it’s hard for their partner to take them seriously. The coder will'note that.” The therapist uses that informa tion in plotting the couple's com munication difficulties. The therapists and the couple will then sit down and design the therapy program. “We tailor-make a program to fit their needs.” Weider says. “People get into an intimate re lationship because they hope to gain something. When peoDlequit getting the goodies,’ like affec tion... they don’t sit there pas sively, they whine, sulk, threaten. “We don’t judge a relationship behavior or pattern as good or bad," Weiss stresses. The prog ram is designed to zero in on areas of conflict and destructive communication patterns, he says. “By the time we see people the conflicts have escalated," Weiss says. To emphasize the positive side of a relationship, the program in corporates several tools which allow couples to see what be haviors please them. They fill out please-displease lists — which map out what behaviors upset or pleased them during a day. The pleasing behaviors — such as an unexpected hug, a flower, helping with the dishes — are noted and included in “cookie jars.” When one partner wants to please the other she or he picks a paper out of the cookie jar and fulfills that wish. The cookie jar and several other tools are disigned to incorporate fun and pleasure into a relation ship which has been stagnating with problems. “Many couples haven’t been having fun together. But who wants to talk about problems ail the time?" Weider says. "These are ways of getting spouse to do nice things for each other. “Marital satisfaction doesn't come out of the clouds,” Weider emphasizes. “It depends on what the other person does. They have (Continued on Page 15) HAIR TODAY NATURAL HANt DESIGN FOR WOMEN A MEN DRY CUT designed for your hair and you. For those on a tight schedule. $6.50 WET HAIRCUT AND STYLE designed for you and your hair for easy care and the air-waved style. A completed style to go anywhere. $9.00 COMPUTE STYLE includes shampoo, moisturizing conditioner, blow dry and hair cut designed for you. 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