| 1I^ Living together ain’t always all it’s cracked up to be,
VA w La La I %A when it’s not, a marital studies program might help
By ANN TRENEMAN
Of the Emerald
"Well, rm glad you finally got
home. Do you know what hap
pened today. Your kid..."
"Don’t you have any other way
to say hello to me after..."
" Just let me finish. I don't know
what to do - I yell..."
"Are we gonna fight about this
again, because if we are..."
"You're damn right we are. Its
Tie Curate Shakespeare
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your problem too, or had you for
got..."
"I won't stand here while you
complain about the same..."
A deep voice interrupts. ‘‘Well,
you did that well. Do you see that
each of you were so involved with
your own emotion that you
couldn’t possibly even begin to lis
ten to one another?”
The couple, who had been mar
ried five years, look at each other
and nod. They are one of over 150
couples that have sought help
within the past decade from the
University’s Marital Studies Prog
ram.
“Now, what I’d like you to do is
for you, Evelyn, to just listen to
Chris and then repeat what he
says. Then you do the same for
Evelyn, Chris,” says psychology
professor Bob Weiss, director of
the therapy and research center.
After parroting each other, the
couple paraphrases what each
other has said. Then they attempt
to listen and respond to what they
think their partner is feeling.
Learning to listen is one of the
many communication techniques
couples leam while in the mar
riage program. In spite of its title,
the program, located in Straub
Hail, is also available to unmarried
couples living together, and
homosexual couples.
Although it has an international
reputation, the program is still a
novelty in the marriage therapy
field. Marital therapies range from
anything as esoteric as psychic
work to the widely-used
psychoanalytical methods. The
MSP is based in behavioral theory
and deals exclusively with improv
ing the manner in which couples
relate.
"We Iook at chains of be
havior,” Weiss says. “ ‘What are
they doing with each other?’ is the
question we constantly ask our
selves.”
Eight graduate students and
anywhere from two to six students
are doing research work with
Weiss in the program. There are
r
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currently openings tor couples
who want counseling.
Exactly what is a ‘ stressed” re
lationship? “For stressed couples,
it seems a good day is not having
a bad day,” Weiss says. "And
that's not the way to be in a rela
tionship. A relationship isn’t the
absence of pain but also the pres
ence of positives.”
As couples get involved with the
program it becomes obvious that
they haven't learned to communi
cate effectively with each other,
says Gary Weider, a therapist and
second-year graduate student in
clinical psychology.
“If they can’t agree on who can
spend the money, or tell each
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other how much should be spent
without fighting — well their prot>
lem really is that they can’t talk to
each other," he says.
Weiss confirms that most peo
ple upon entering the program
have little idea of what working on
a relationship means. “The at
titude often is, 'If you could only do
something about him or her....”
During the 10-week program
couples work on pinpointing
specific problem areas; identifying
and increasing behaviour which
gives their partner pleasure; using
communication techniques to
solve problems; and learning
techniques to cope with a change
— such as a baby — in the rela
tionship. „
The couple is videotaped with
out the two therapists in the room.
Two trained people watch the tape
and using a marital interaction
coding system will code the in
teraction. The system, devised by
Weiss, is made up of 30 behaviors
— such as agree, disagree, smile,
positive physical contact, ques
tion. interrupt. After the couple's
interaction has been coded, the
information is fed into a computer
which analyzes the information.
“We do a lot of assessment in
this program," Weiss says. “For
instance, if every time someone
makes a request, they giggle, it’s
hard for their partner to take them
seriously. The coder will'note
that.”
The therapist uses that informa
tion in plotting the couple's com
munication difficulties. The
therapists and the couple will then
sit down and design the therapy
program.
“We tailor-make a program to fit
their needs.” Weider says.
“People get into an intimate re
lationship because they hope to
gain something. When peoDlequit
getting the goodies,’ like affec
tion... they don’t sit there pas
sively, they whine, sulk, threaten.
“We don’t judge a relationship
behavior or pattern as good or
bad," Weiss stresses. The prog
ram is designed to zero in on
areas of conflict and destructive
communication patterns, he says.
“By the time we see people the
conflicts have escalated," Weiss
says.
To emphasize the positive side
of a relationship, the program in
corporates several tools which
allow couples to see what be
haviors please them. They fill out
please-displease lists — which
map out what behaviors upset or
pleased them during a day.
The pleasing behaviors — such
as an unexpected hug, a flower,
helping with the dishes — are
noted and included in “cookie
jars.” When one partner wants to
please the other she or he picks a
paper out of the cookie jar and
fulfills that wish.
The cookie jar and several other
tools are disigned to incorporate
fun and pleasure into a relation
ship which has been stagnating
with problems.
“Many couples haven’t been
having fun together. But who
wants to talk about problems ail
the time?" Weider says. "These
are ways of getting spouse to do
nice things for each other.
“Marital satisfaction doesn't
come out of the clouds,” Weider
emphasizes. “It depends on what
the other person does. They have
(Continued on Page 15)
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