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About The evening news. (Roseburg, Douglas County, Or.) 1909-1920 | View Entire Issue (Feb. 21, 1918)
THE EVENING NEWS THURSDAY, FEI1R17ARY 31, 1018. THREE KAISER REFUSES : SATAN'S OP 1 . , 7 -.., . Wants Ito Use Hell as Sum mer Resort Declares" He Has Exalted Wisdom. BERLIN FUTURE CAPITAL Chief FHendis in V. il. Ai I. W. V., Pacifists and Food Frollteci1 Will Talk Geniinn From Hamburg to Hell. The following communication it taken from an eastern exchange and is the kaiser's answer to His Satanic Majesty, refusing the deliverance of the keys to the gates of hell to the German head: Berlin, Future Capital of the World December 25, 1917 Lucifer Hohenzollern Satan, Hell. Most Dearly Beloved Brother: ' As I read your recent letter, mix ed emotions flitted through my men tal anatomy. Your vivid Satanic mind ' cannot conceive the extent which your encomiums, so freely ex- pressed, caused the most delectable sensations to permeate every atom of my entire physical being. Although this is the anniversar of the birth of the Son of my former partner Gott I cannot but feel He was talking through His- hat when He said He had come down to this world to bring peace and good! will ' among men. It had not entered Hi head that 1900 years after that re mark, I would have the whole busi ness in my hands. Ha! Ha! I have great ambitions, as you say, 'but I am not so selfish as not to give you due credit for your noble assist ance in aiding me In most of the minor details of my work; and, above all, I give you full credit for instilling into my mind the idea of world con quest. . You say I was conceived through your machinations, and after I was born, was guided by the precepts in" stilled in my mind by you, my most honorable god-father. Your informa tion as to what caused my father's death was never clear to me. until 1 received your kind billet-doux; and am glad he told you the facts after he arrived at your domicile. Old boy, you sure possess those diabolical aitributes commonly ac credited to you, ar you 'could never have conceived the magnificent idea of creating me jour vice-riegent on earth; great head you have. Would be pleased to receive suggestions from you at any time as to the fur therance' o our designs against hu mainity. While I think of it. I want to urge you to helpline get the German lan guage introduced everywhere on earth. I'm having the Catholics in America, teach it in their schools m Nebraska and soon I expect to hear the people talking in German from Hamburg to Hell. That old duffer, Nero, and those lesser lights of your creation in the years gone by, were fair samples oi your work for that day and age; but your inventive genius reached its ell max when it invented your humble servant. If you were to turn those old "has beens" loose and let them come up here and behold what 1 am doing, their shrivelled-up, brimstone scented souls would turn green with envy. You somewhat ruffled my finer feelings when you, in your taunting manner referred to my ignoble 'Eng lish forebear.,. You would be fully Justified in boasting of your noble lineage, because your father was a Hun, was he not, and your mother a relegated female from a Turkish harem, -You may surely feel proud of your noble ancestry. When you give vent to your heUlsh chuckle of delight, because you broke my moth er's heart, you have nothing on me. I have broken the hearts of tens of thousands of doting mothers and the necks of as many helpless babies, and yet I have just begun. When you named those evil spirits who "tare so materially assisting me in my great work up here, you for got to mention my agents in Russia, and treated with silent contempt those members of the U. S. congress who refused to cast any obstacle in the way of the furtherance of my schemes. I would like to grasp them by the hand and express my hearty appreciation of their material aid to me In the attainment of my high am bitions. ' ' Chief among my friends In the U. S. are the pacifists, the I. W. W. and the food profiteers, but if that boneheaded Wilson administration holds on it is going to have all my best pacifists friends in the peniten tiary, but when I. get to America I'll liberate 'em p. d. q. Many poorly Informed people, who do not fully appreciate my Hun Kultur ideas, do not have a very ex alted opinion of my personal char acter. They call me the mangy son ot a lady dog, and a festering heap of perambulating, putrefying excre ment, a big ny speed on me sum front of decency, a human monstros ity, whose deeds are a iwarp of shame-aorta woof of infamy, such as would cause the blush of shame to mantel the face of the foulest crea ture among the eternally damned. Whatever I am and whatever I have done is the fruit of my insatiable ambition, and outside of these things. I think I am at least, on a par with, you, mysbrother. and others of our mutual friends. It is said 1 am a travesty on the human race, and of which I admit. 1 have more brains and"Kultur than the whole human family put togeth er. Gott knows that, but if He does not. He is not as ,well informed as 1 thought He was. Although I have attained distinc tion In my Infamy far beyond your fondest hopes, and have probably dishonored your dishonorable busi ness, yet you should not feel envious or take exceptions to my acts, for all that I have done is in tie Inter est of myself and you, and you are entitled to share the honors with me. My high exalted corworker, don't got it info your head that my work is monotonous, lor it Is along the line of amusements at times. For instance, we Will chop oft the hands of Belgian children until be become satiated with this sport; and then, for in stance, we have a host of French girls we have captured, whose ages range from 14 to 25 years, and whom we are holding , for breeding pur poses. When we have, visitors like yourself, we compel these girls to strip nude and dance before them for their amusement. Oh, our theatrical amusements would fill your satanic heart with'-ecstatic glee. Well, back to business -again. I guess you've heard- about what I said to Jim Gerard some , years ago. That American bluff factory makes me tired. When I get through with the allies over here, I intend to move my forces to the United States and tear their damned country upside down; then I will go back and de molish the neutrals who refused to lend me their help; then, when. I hold the whole world in the hollow of my hand, I will take a long res, for then there will be nothing mine for . me to do unless somebody on some other planet is presumptuous enough to criticize my .work, then, in that case, I'll just put on my fight ing clothes and go and smash the universe. I don't propose to stand any nonsense from even the inhabi tants of Jupiter or Mars. Now, my honored tutor, out of de ferenceto one who has proved him self my friend In time of need, I de cline the' proffered keys to the king dom ove,r which you have so long held sway. If I succeed in my de signs ffgainst civilization, I shall soon have a hell of my own, that will out- hell anything In the regions of the damned, so you'd better keep your place as a kind of health resort for those of my intended subjects who may grow sick under my rule. Should I fail in the accomplishment of ,my ambitious aims, I may be compelled ito make your place a hasty and lasting visit. Now, in closing, will say that you will probably outlive me, unless you should die of envy of me. Should This Is Our Winter of Test ErtVINCJ food is a lo cal problem for each '. community. ' Prices and-definite rules for . every one cannot be formulated. It Is n duty for each : one ' to eat only so much as Is necessary to maintain the human body nealtliy and strong, This winter of 3918 Is the period when Is to be' tested" here In America wjieth-f er our people urq capable of vol untary Individual sacrifice to save, the world. That is (he pur pose of the organization of the United States Food Administra tion by voluntary effort to pro vide the food I hut the world needs. " U. S. FOOD ADMINISTRATION die first, I desire that, as a last act of kindness to a worthy friend, you bury me .inside the portals of your abode, where I may lie and listen to the walls of the damned souls. - It will be sweet music to my Kultured ear. 1 Yours until death and after, W1LHEI-M. NOTICE TO DEBTORS. All persons knowing themselves indebted to Simon Caro- are urged to call and settle their accounts at once, otherwise they vjjll be placed in t'r.e hands of an attorney for collection. m7 SIMON CAltO. SMITH RIVER. The first snow of the winter came last Weilnesdty, "the 13th, and some snow has fell each day since. Marian Gunter spent several days in the lower settlement last week with -home folks, returning home Monday. We are pleased to learn that Mr. Warner is still improving, although not yet able to work much. Mr. and Mrs. J. O. -Gunter and lit tle daughter made a business trip to Drain 'Saturday, returning home Monday. Mr. Wright, Sr., came over on Fri day s stage for a visit with his son, Robert, and family. Mrs. Gunter has just bought start or white turkeys, which were brought over on the stage last week. George Woolley , has also bought some turkeys recently but we did not le"arn what -variety they were. Arthur Woolley was in the lower settlement the first of the week, spending a few days visiting rela tives and friends. Marion Gunter and Jake Bowers set some traps for a cougar on Sal- monberry creek the first of the week. The cougar had teen seen eating a deer which he had aparently just re cently killed. Ernest Woolley and Tom Taylor expect to leave on today's stage for Portland where they will work the balance of the winter. The work on the new room being built in addition - to the school house In district No. 67 is completed and painted to match the rest of the building. ... X. Europe's Meat Supply Must Come From America. Warring Nations Have Depleted Live Stock at Enormous Rate, Fvei Killing Dairy Cattle Far Food. WIT? m Goes Further I Delicious Flavor 1 Vacuur&Packed E GuaranteeLf American slock breeders are being asked to conserve their (locks and herds in order to meet Europe's tre mendous dcnuyids for meats during the war and probably for many years afterward. The United States food adminls, trillion reports that American stock raisers have shown a disposition to co-operate wifli the government In. In creasing (he nation's supply df! Jve stock. , Germany today Is probably better supplied with live stock than-tiny oth er European nation. When the Ger man armies made tpir big advance Into France .and then retreated vir tually all (Ife cattle In the invaded territory -- approximately 1,800,000 head were driven behind the German lines. . , Hut "in England where t 2,400,000 acres of pasture lands have, been turn ed into grain fields the cattle herds are decreasing rapidly. One of die reasons apparently is the declining maximum price scale adopted by the hnglish as follows: For -September, $17.70 pex 100 pounds; October, $17.8; November and December, $16.08; Jun- lary, $1-1.40. The effect of these prices was to drive beef animals on the mar ket as soon as possible.1 In France dip-, number of cattle as well as the quality have shown -an enormous decline during the war. Where France bad 14,S07,000 head of cattle in 1013, she now lias onlv Y2..- :541,000, a decrease of 10.0 per cent. And France is today producing only one gallon of milk compared to two and one-half gallons before the war. Denmark and Holland have been forced to sacrifice dairy herds for beef because of the lock of necessary feed.. Close study of. the European meat situation has convinced the Food Ad ministration that the fi"'ire problem of America lies largely iSr. the produc tion of meat producing animals and dairy products rather than -in the pro duction of cereals for export when the war will have censed. ( ,.y 7,- - 7' 1MLEE 1 NV SATURDAY FEB' Y 22-23 Li'. TWICE DAILY. 2:3g!p.M nd ffeift P M J Picture Runs 2 1-2 Hours, Be Seated for the First Scene, Follow it to the End Coming Here Direct from record-breaking ;ements in SEATTLE and PORTLAND "WHERE IT PLAYED TO THE LARGEST CROWDS AND BIG GEST RECEIPTS' EVER KNOWN IN THE-MOTION PICTURE AN NALS OF THE PACIFIC NORTH WEST, DUPLICATING IT'S PHE NOMENAL NEW YORK SUCCESS WHERE- IT WAS 8EENVOR SIX CONSECUTIVE MONTHS AT THE LYRIC THEATRE AT $2.00 PRICES. YouWillSee A PICTURE THAT COST HALF a MILLION DOLLARS AND WHICH EMPLOYED 30, OOO PEOPLE IN MANY OF ITS BIG SCENES. A MARVELOUS REPLICA OF THE SPHINX AND PYRA MWS. THOUSANDS OF HORSES AND CAMELS, WON- ANCIENT ROME. THE FOR-I l M, QLD EGYPT, THE NILE, ALEXANDRIA AS IT WAS 2000 YEARS AGO, CLEOPAT RA'S JEWELED OAR-DRIVEN BARGE, HER GORGEOUS THRONE ROOM AND PRICE LESS PALACE AND AN EX ACT REPRODUCTION OF THE BATTLE OF ACTIUM, THE FIRST NAVAL BATTLE IN ALL HISTORY, ALL PRO DUCED WITH PERFECT DE TAIL WITH HISTORICALLY CORRECT " ROMAN "AND EGYPTIAN SCENES OF UN BELIEVABLE BEAUTY. NHGHT- ALL SEATS RE . SERVED 50 Cents GALLERY NOT RESERVED 25 Cents MATINEES 25c, 50c BRITISH GOVERNMENT HELPS PAY FOR BREAD There has been much misunder standing about the bread program In England. It is (rue that the English man buys a loaf of bread for lessNuun an American can, but it is poorer bread, and the British government h, paying ?UOO,OUO,000 a year toward th ost of it. . .. . All the grain grown in Great 'Brit ain is taken over by the government at an arbitrary price and the imported wheat purchased on the . markets at the prevailing market price. This Is turned over to the mills by the govern meat at a price that allows the ndul terated war bread loaf of foiir poi nds to sell at 18 cents, the two pound lo.il at 0 cents and the one pound loaf at ;". cents. ; 1 In France, ' under conditions .some ivhat similar, but with a la !;;! ex traction, the four pound loaf sell's for .10 cents.. - . MAKING MEATLESS DAYS PERMANENT. In the meatless menu there Is a fer tile field for developing new and nour ishing dishes, according to E. H. Nile., writing in the Hotel Guzette, who be lieves thot .the present shortage ot meat and fats .will not end with the coming of" pence, but may grow more acute aud continue for five or sis years, thus making It worth while to develop- menus of grain, vegetables and fish on a more or less permanent basis. Meat can be replaced by cereals and other protein foodsv or may b? served in very small portions as a fla voring for other food. In making up meatless menus this author finds our American Creole and southern cuisine broad field for Investigation. hnea'eements m mf- II ff?Yx h p; If iu A? X. lip k'-' ,v i prices. , - rfif:a.'(Swi .rmj&a FAR SURPASSING ALL OTHER 'S I STUPENDOUS SPECTACLES IV & lWw4 1 H IT'S COSTLY AND ' CORUjvOUS K( Vt&t " lWwMWiJml i J SETTINGS AND IN 3T'S COUNT S W'WWmWii ' LESS SCENES OF EXQUISITE fH f iBPj KfelJ4f VByf - CHILDREN, MATINEE "A LOTUS BUD, THE .NILE, . fTpSt! liK21' ifi ' "' ' 'A'l- 'VV' - A WOMAN'S WILE AJED SMILE, U&ffig V4eBW ' : 25" CdltS . ' H A KISS, A WAIT AWHILE, KKc!?! - A LONGER KISS, A LITTLE 1 ' '"S j''"""""""' 1 A SERPENT'S HISS, A THUD.'' -lAS 9EAT SALB NOW ON, AT NOTICE TO DOG OWNERS. 7.1 MANY GOOD POSITIONS . Institute, Portland, Oregon. , a6 j MONDAlf IS BARGAIN DAY. ' Any person. owniu or . harboring a dog or dogs -within the city of Rose burg is hereby formally notified to obtain a license from the city treas urer thereOor at onca; that from and after March 1st, 191$, any person so owning or harboring any such dog or dogs will be summarily arrested and brought bofore t he city recorder. D. R. SHAMBROOK, tf ' , City Marshal- TOR COUNTT COMMISSIONER. n or of I hereby announce mBelf as can didate for comnty commissioner for Douglas county subject to the will the republican voters tthe primary election. May 17. ,1918). Myrtle. Creek, Ortegou. Eli. WEAVER. , , , ' ' 1 pd ad. can Hje'had by any ambitious young man or woman In the field of rail way or commercial telegraphy. We want a number of young men and women to prepare for the telegraph service to fill vacancies caused by unusual drafting of young mem for signal corpB. ' Prepare to help your country. . Write today for full par ticulars. The Railway Telegraph HOME MADE PASTRY. All kinds of choice home made pastry for sale, -also pastry of all kinds made to order. -Eggs, butter, cream and milk for sale. Leave your nfsn "with im ' Prntnnt service. Phone 280. The tittle Gem Re?tau-J rant, Sheridan street. tf Monday Is bargain day at the Roseburg Cleaning and Pressing Works. Men's suits French Dry cleaned and pressed for $1.00. All work given prompt attention. Bar- iratn Aav rtrtnAa rin lint. IncllirlA Anil- Ing for clothes or making deliveries. Bring your clothes In. ' tf ITHE FRENCH TRANSFER AND STORAGE COMPANY CHECKED FROM YOUR HOME TO YOUR DESTINATION FOR. COUNTY COMMISSIONER. T tioroKv ' nnnnjiinifa mvaalf aa ft republican candidate for the office off aounty commissioner of Douglas Cowl subject to the approval of the voters! of the county at the primary elee- tlon. May 17, 19fl8. I Myrtlo Creek, Ore." I adv. j H. P. JIICE. j, j BAGGAGE HOUSEHOLD 600DS& TURNITURE HANDLED BY EXPERIENCED MEN, LARGE, DRY STORAGE ROOMS, ABSOLUTELY FREE FROM FIRE RISK PHONE 220