THE EVENING NEWS THURSDAY, FEI1R17ARY 31, 1018.
THREE
KAISER REFUSES
: SATAN'S OP
1 . , 7 -.., .
Wants Ito Use Hell as Sum
mer Resort Declares" He
Has Exalted Wisdom.
BERLIN FUTURE CAPITAL
Chief FHendis in V. il. Ai I. W. V.,
Pacifists and Food Frollteci1
Will Talk Geniinn
From Hamburg to Hell.
The following communication it
taken from an eastern exchange and
is the kaiser's answer to His Satanic
Majesty, refusing the deliverance of
the keys to the gates of hell to the
German head:
Berlin, Future Capital of the World
December 25, 1917
Lucifer Hohenzollern Satan,
Hell.
Most Dearly Beloved Brother: '
As I read your recent letter, mix
ed emotions flitted through my men
tal anatomy. Your vivid Satanic
mind ' cannot conceive the extent
which your encomiums, so freely ex-
pressed, caused the most delectable
sensations to permeate every atom
of my entire physical being.
Although this is the anniversar
of the birth of the Son of my former
partner Gott I cannot but feel He
was talking through His- hat when
He said He had come down to this
world to bring peace and good! will
' among men. It had not entered Hi
head that 1900 years after that re
mark, I would have the whole busi
ness in my hands. Ha! Ha!
I have great ambitions, as you say,
'but I am not so selfish as not to give
you due credit for your noble assist
ance in aiding me In most of the
minor details of my work; and, above
all, I give you full credit for instilling
into my mind the idea of world con
quest.
. You say I was conceived through
your machinations, and after I was
born, was guided by the precepts in"
stilled in my mind by you, my most
honorable god-father. Your informa
tion as to what caused my father's
death was never clear to me. until 1
received your kind billet-doux; and
am glad he told you the facts after
he arrived at your domicile.
Old boy, you sure possess those
diabolical aitributes commonly ac
credited to you, ar you 'could never
have conceived the magnificent idea
of creating me jour vice-riegent on
earth; great head you have. Would
be pleased to receive suggestions
from you at any time as to the fur
therance' o our designs against hu
mainity.
While I think of it. I want to urge
you to helpline get the German lan
guage introduced everywhere on
earth. I'm having the Catholics in
America, teach it in their schools m
Nebraska and soon I expect to hear
the people talking in German from
Hamburg to Hell.
That old duffer, Nero, and those
lesser lights of your creation in the
years gone by, were fair samples oi
your work for that day and age; but
your inventive genius reached its ell
max when it invented your humble
servant. If you were to turn those
old "has beens" loose and let them
come up here and behold what 1 am
doing, their shrivelled-up, brimstone
scented souls would turn green with
envy.
You somewhat ruffled my finer
feelings when you, in your taunting
manner referred to my ignoble 'Eng
lish forebear.,. You would be fully
Justified in boasting of your noble
lineage, because your father was a
Hun, was he not, and your mother
a relegated female from a Turkish
harem, -You may surely feel proud
of your noble ancestry. When you
give vent to your heUlsh chuckle of
delight, because you broke my moth
er's heart, you have nothing on me.
I have broken the hearts of tens of
thousands of doting mothers and the
necks of as many helpless babies,
and yet I have just begun.
When you named those evil spirits
who "tare so materially assisting me
in my great work up here, you for
got to mention my agents in Russia,
and treated with silent contempt
those members of the U. S. congress
who refused to cast any obstacle in
the way of the furtherance of my
schemes. I would like to grasp them
by the hand and express my hearty
appreciation of their material aid to
me In the attainment of my high am
bitions. ' '
Chief among my friends In the U.
S. are the pacifists, the I. W. W.
and the food profiteers, but if that
boneheaded Wilson administration
holds on it is going to have all my
best pacifists friends in the peniten
tiary, but when I. get to America I'll
liberate 'em p. d. q.
Many poorly Informed people,
who do not fully appreciate my Hun
Kultur ideas, do not have a very ex
alted opinion of my personal char
acter. They call me the mangy son
ot a lady dog, and a festering heap
of perambulating, putrefying excre
ment, a big ny speed on me sum
front of decency, a human monstros
ity, whose deeds are a iwarp of
shame-aorta woof of infamy, such
as would cause the blush of shame
to mantel the face of the foulest crea
ture among the eternally damned.
Whatever I am and whatever I have
done is the fruit of my insatiable
ambition, and outside of these things.
I think I am at least, on a par with,
you, mysbrother. and others of our
mutual friends.
It is said 1 am a travesty on the
human race, and of which I admit.
1 have more brains and"Kultur than
the whole human family put togeth
er. Gott knows that, but if He does
not. He is not as ,well informed as
1 thought He was.
Although I have attained distinc
tion In my Infamy far beyond your
fondest hopes, and have probably
dishonored your dishonorable busi
ness, yet you should not feel envious
or take exceptions to my acts, for
all that I have done is in tie Inter
est of myself and you, and you are
entitled to share the honors with me.
My high exalted corworker, don't
got it info your head that my work is
monotonous, lor it Is along the line
of amusements at times. For instance,
we Will chop oft the hands of Belgian
children until be become satiated
with this sport; and then, for in
stance, we have a host of French
girls we have captured, whose ages
range from 14 to 25 years, and whom
we are holding , for breeding pur
poses. When we have, visitors like
yourself, we compel these girls to
strip nude and dance before them for
their amusement. Oh, our theatrical
amusements would fill your satanic
heart with'-ecstatic glee.
Well, back to business -again. I
guess you've heard- about what I
said to Jim Gerard some , years ago.
That American bluff factory makes
me tired. When I get through with
the allies over here, I intend to move
my forces to the United States and
tear their damned country upside
down; then I will go back and de
molish the neutrals who refused to
lend me their help; then, when. I
hold the whole world in the hollow
of my hand, I will take a long res,
for then there will be nothing mine
for . me to do unless somebody on
some other planet is presumptuous
enough to criticize my .work, then,
in that case, I'll just put on my fight
ing clothes and go and smash the
universe. I don't propose to stand
any nonsense from even the inhabi
tants of Jupiter or Mars.
Now, my honored tutor, out of de
ferenceto one who has proved him
self my friend In time of need, I de
cline the' proffered keys to the king
dom ove,r which you have so long
held sway. If I succeed in my de
signs ffgainst civilization, I shall soon
have a hell of my own, that will out-
hell anything In the regions of the
damned, so you'd better keep your
place as a kind of health resort for
those of my intended subjects who
may grow sick under my rule.
Should I fail in the accomplishment
of ,my ambitious aims, I may be
compelled ito make your place a
hasty and lasting visit.
Now, in closing, will say that you
will probably outlive me, unless you
should die of envy of me. Should
This Is Our Winter
of Test
ErtVINCJ food is a lo
cal problem for each '.
community. ' Prices
and-definite rules for .
every one cannot be
formulated. It
Is n duty for
each : one ' to
eat only so
much as Is
necessary to
maintain the
human body
nealtliy and strong, This winter
of 3918 Is the period when Is to
be' tested" here In America wjieth-f
er our people urq capable of vol
untary Individual sacrifice to
save, the world. That is (he pur
pose of the organization of the
United States Food Administra
tion by voluntary effort to pro
vide the food I hut the world
needs. "
U. S. FOOD ADMINISTRATION
die first, I desire that, as a last act
of kindness to a worthy friend, you
bury me .inside the portals of your
abode, where I may lie and listen to
the walls of the damned souls. - It
will be sweet music to my Kultured
ear. 1
Yours until death and after,
W1LHEI-M.
NOTICE TO DEBTORS.
All persons knowing themselves
indebted to Simon Caro- are urged to
call and settle their accounts at once,
otherwise they vjjll be placed in t'r.e
hands of an attorney for collection.
m7 SIMON CAltO.
SMITH RIVER.
The first snow of the winter came
last Weilnesdty, "the 13th, and some
snow has fell each day since.
Marian Gunter spent several days
in the lower settlement last week
with -home folks, returning home
Monday.
We are pleased to learn that Mr.
Warner is still improving, although
not yet able to work much.
Mr. and Mrs. J. O. -Gunter and lit
tle daughter made a business trip to
Drain 'Saturday, returning home
Monday.
Mr. Wright, Sr., came over on Fri
day s stage for a visit with his son,
Robert, and family.
Mrs. Gunter has just bought
start or white turkeys, which were
brought over on the stage last week.
George Woolley , has also bought
some turkeys recently but we did
not le"arn what -variety they were.
Arthur Woolley was in the lower
settlement the first of the week,
spending a few days visiting rela
tives and friends.
Marion Gunter and Jake Bowers
set some traps for a cougar on Sal-
monberry creek the first of the week.
The cougar had teen seen eating a
deer which he had aparently just re
cently killed.
Ernest Woolley and Tom Taylor
expect to leave on today's stage for
Portland where they will work the
balance of the winter.
The work on the new room being
built in addition - to the school
house In district No. 67 is completed
and painted to match the rest of
the building. ... X.
Europe's Meat Supply Must Come
From America.
Warring Nations Have Depleted Live
Stock at Enormous Rate, Fvei
Killing Dairy Cattle Far Food.
WIT?
m Goes Further
I Delicious Flavor 1
Vacuur&Packed E
GuaranteeLf
American slock breeders are being
asked to conserve their (locks and
herds in order to meet Europe's tre
mendous dcnuyids for meats during
the war and probably for many years
afterward.
The United States food adminls,
trillion reports that American stock
raisers have shown a disposition to
co-operate wifli the government In. In
creasing (he nation's supply df! Jve
stock. ,
Germany today Is probably better
supplied with live stock than-tiny oth
er European nation. When the Ger
man armies made tpir big advance
Into France .and then retreated vir
tually all (Ife cattle In the invaded
territory -- approximately 1,800,000
head were driven behind the German
lines. .
, Hut "in England where t 2,400,000
acres of pasture lands have, been turn
ed into grain fields the cattle herds
are decreasing rapidly. One of die
reasons apparently is the declining
maximum price scale adopted by the
hnglish as follows: For -September,
$17.70 pex 100 pounds; October, $17.8;
November and December, $16.08; Jun-
lary, $1-1.40. The effect of these prices
was to drive beef animals on the mar
ket as soon as possible.1
In France dip-, number of cattle as
well as the quality have shown -an
enormous decline during the war.
Where France bad 14,S07,000 head of
cattle in 1013, she now lias onlv Y2..-
:541,000, a decrease of 10.0 per cent.
And France is today producing only
one gallon of milk compared to two
and one-half gallons before the war.
Denmark and Holland have been
forced to sacrifice dairy herds for beef
because of the lock of necessary feed..
Close study of. the European meat
situation has convinced the Food Ad
ministration that the fi"'ire problem
of America lies largely iSr. the produc
tion of meat producing animals and
dairy products rather than -in the pro
duction of cereals for export when
the war will have censed.
( ,.y 7,- - 7'
1MLEE
1
NV SATURDAY FEB' Y 22-23
Li'. TWICE DAILY. 2:3g!p.M nd ffeift P M
J
Picture Runs 2 1-2 Hours, Be Seated for the First Scene, Follow it to the End
Coming Here Direct
from record-breaking
;ements in
SEATTLE
and
PORTLAND
"WHERE IT PLAYED TO THE
LARGEST CROWDS AND BIG
GEST RECEIPTS' EVER KNOWN
IN THE-MOTION PICTURE AN
NALS OF THE PACIFIC NORTH
WEST, DUPLICATING IT'S PHE
NOMENAL NEW YORK SUCCESS
WHERE- IT WAS 8EENVOR SIX
CONSECUTIVE MONTHS AT
THE LYRIC THEATRE AT $2.00
PRICES.
YouWillSee
A PICTURE THAT COST
HALF a MILLION DOLLARS
AND WHICH EMPLOYED 30,
OOO PEOPLE IN MANY OF
ITS BIG SCENES.
A MARVELOUS REPLICA OF
THE SPHINX AND PYRA
MWS. THOUSANDS OF
HORSES AND CAMELS, WON-
ANCIENT ROME. THE FOR-I
l M, QLD EGYPT, THE NILE,
ALEXANDRIA AS IT WAS
2000 YEARS AGO, CLEOPAT
RA'S JEWELED OAR-DRIVEN
BARGE, HER GORGEOUS
THRONE ROOM AND PRICE
LESS PALACE AND AN EX
ACT REPRODUCTION OF
THE BATTLE OF ACTIUM,
THE FIRST NAVAL BATTLE
IN ALL HISTORY, ALL PRO
DUCED WITH PERFECT DE
TAIL WITH HISTORICALLY
CORRECT " ROMAN "AND
EGYPTIAN SCENES OF UN
BELIEVABLE BEAUTY.
NHGHT- ALL SEATS RE
. SERVED
50 Cents
GALLERY NOT RESERVED
25 Cents
MATINEES
25c, 50c
BRITISH GOVERNMENT
HELPS PAY FOR BREAD
There has been much misunder
standing about the bread program In
England. It is (rue that the English
man buys a loaf of bread for lessNuun
an American can, but it is poorer
bread, and the British government h,
paying ?UOO,OUO,000 a year toward th
ost of it. . .. .
All the grain grown in Great 'Brit
ain is taken over by the government
at an arbitrary price and the imported
wheat purchased on the . markets at
the prevailing market price. This Is
turned over to the mills by the govern
meat at a price that allows the ndul
terated war bread loaf of foiir poi nds
to sell at 18 cents, the two pound lo.il
at 0 cents and the one pound loaf at ;".
cents. ; 1
In France, ' under conditions .some
ivhat similar, but with a la !;;! ex
traction, the four pound loaf sell's for
.10 cents.. - .
MAKING MEATLESS
DAYS PERMANENT.
In the meatless menu there Is a fer
tile field for developing new and nour
ishing dishes, according to E. H. Nile.,
writing in the Hotel Guzette, who be
lieves thot .the present shortage ot
meat and fats .will not end with the
coming of" pence, but may grow more
acute aud continue for five or sis
years, thus making It worth while to
develop- menus of grain, vegetables
and fish on a more or less permanent
basis. Meat can be replaced by cereals
and other protein foodsv or may b?
served in very small portions as a fla
voring for other food. In making up
meatless menus this author finds our
American Creole and southern cuisine
broad field for Investigation.
hnea'eements m mf- II ff?Yx h
p; If iu A? X.
lip k'-' ,v
i prices. , - rfif:a.'(Swi .rmj&a
FAR SURPASSING ALL OTHER 'S I
STUPENDOUS SPECTACLES IV & lWw4 1 H
IT'S COSTLY AND ' CORUjvOUS K( Vt&t " lWwMWiJml i
J SETTINGS AND IN 3T'S COUNT S W'WWmWii
' LESS SCENES OF EXQUISITE fH f iBPj
KfelJ4f VByf - CHILDREN, MATINEE
"A LOTUS BUD, THE .NILE, . fTpSt! liK21' ifi ' "' ' 'A'l- 'VV' -
A WOMAN'S WILE AJED SMILE, U&ffig V4eBW ' : 25" CdltS . ' H
A KISS, A WAIT AWHILE, KKc!?! -
A LONGER KISS, A LITTLE 1 ' '"S j''"""""""'
1 A SERPENT'S HISS, A THUD.'' -lAS 9EAT SALB NOW ON, AT
NOTICE TO DOG OWNERS. 7.1 MANY GOOD POSITIONS . Institute, Portland, Oregon. , a6 j MONDAlf IS BARGAIN DAY. '
Any person. owniu or . harboring a
dog or dogs -within the city of Rose
burg is hereby formally notified to
obtain a license from the city treas
urer thereOor at onca; that from and
after March 1st, 191$, any person so
owning or harboring any such dog
or dogs will be summarily arrested
and brought bofore t he city recorder.
D. R. SHAMBROOK,
tf ' , City Marshal-
TOR COUNTT COMMISSIONER.
n
or of
I hereby announce mBelf as can
didate for comnty commissioner for
Douglas county subject to the will
the republican voters tthe primary
election. May 17. ,1918).
Myrtle. Creek, Ortegou.
Eli. WEAVER.
, , , ' ' 1 pd ad.
can Hje'had by any ambitious young
man or woman In the field of rail
way or commercial telegraphy. We
want a number of young men and
women to prepare for the telegraph
service to fill vacancies caused by
unusual drafting of young mem for
signal corpB. ' Prepare to help your
country. . Write today for full par
ticulars. The Railway Telegraph
HOME MADE PASTRY.
All kinds of choice home made
pastry for sale, -also pastry of all
kinds made to order. -Eggs, butter,
cream and milk for sale. Leave your
nfsn "with im ' Prntnnt service.
Phone 280. The tittle Gem Re?tau-J
rant, Sheridan street. tf
Monday Is bargain day at the
Roseburg Cleaning and Pressing
Works. Men's suits French Dry
cleaned and pressed for $1.00. All
work given prompt attention. Bar-
iratn Aav rtrtnAa rin lint. IncllirlA Anil-
Ing for clothes or making deliveries.
Bring your clothes In. ' tf
ITHE FRENCH TRANSFER AND STORAGE COMPANY
CHECKED FROM YOUR HOME TO YOUR DESTINATION
FOR. COUNTY COMMISSIONER.
T tioroKv ' nnnnjiinifa mvaalf aa ft
republican candidate for the office off
aounty commissioner of Douglas Cowl
subject to the approval of the voters!
of the county at the primary elee-
tlon. May 17, 19fl8. I
Myrtlo Creek, Ore." I
adv. j H. P. JIICE. j, j
BAGGAGE
HOUSEHOLD 600DS&
TURNITURE HANDLED
BY EXPERIENCED MEN,
LARGE, DRY STORAGE
ROOMS, ABSOLUTELY
FREE FROM FIRE RISK
PHONE 220