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About The united American : a magazine of good citizenchip. (Portland, Or.) 1923-1927 | View Entire Issue (Nov. 1, 1925)
NOVEMBER 1925 THE UNITED AMERICAN Bits of Humor for the Home Circle and the Fireside ■ High-priced.—“How was the scenery where you spent your vacation?” ■ “The most expensive I ever gazed at.” ■ Non-stop.—Look out for fleeting oppor tunities—the heel of progress always wears the spur of the moment. I In Terms of Evolution.—What differ ence does man’s origin matter so long as women are divine?” —The Havana Post. The gate keeper* demanding the usual fee for automobiles, called: “A dollar for the car.” The owner looked up with a pathetic smile of relief and said. “Sold.”—Bison. Social Psych.—Prof.—“What rule may the novice follow to avoid hitting his thumb while driving a nail?” A Student—“Hold the hammer with both hands.’’ —S. California Wampus. B Plenty of ‘em.—Big Sister—I’m afraid my birthday cake is heavy. I Kid Brother—Never mind, sis, there’ll be plenty of candles to make it light. I Reverse Action.—Governess (to small pupil)—-“Dam,” that is something to keep back a flow of water. ■ Young ’un—When pa says it, ma al- ways cries. Her Lost opportunity.—“I hear you had a terrible experience while you were at the beach.” • “Yes, I was rescued from drowning by another girl.” ■ And That’s Why.—“No, I don’t want to buy that horse. He looks as though he had a mean disposition.” ■ “Dat am nothin’, boss, He just got dat look from runnin’ in sulky races.” —Brown Jug. Correct Information. “I hear you have a new baby at your home,” greeted a friendly neighbor. “Two of ’em, they’re twins,” proudly informed Willy. “Isn’t that great! Boys or girls?'* asked the lady. “Both,” answered Willy, “one little him and one little her.” ■ A Race Against Time.—Mother—Why do you eat those ginger cockies so greedly. You have plenty of them. I Tommy—I know it. That’s why I’m afraid my appetite will be gone before the cookies are. ■ Cop—“Your honor, this man stole a quart of whiskey.” ■ Judge—“The prisoner is dismissed.” ■ “But, your honor—” “You can’t make a case out of a quart.” —Washington Dirge. ■ Preparing the Order.—First Shopper I—That is a careful vegetable dealer. See him sorting out all his stale stuff. Second ditto—He isn’t going to throw it away. Somebody has just placed an order by telephone. ■ From a Drug Addict.—J. N. writes:, I I. I am a drug addict for three years, resulting from pains from liver trouble.1 I have little or no means. 2. Can I be cared for free at Hot Springs, Ark? ■ 3. Is cure by use of hyoscine dan gerous ? I Reply.—I. You are mistaken as to the cause of your habit. 2. I know of no hospital for that purpose at Hot Springs. About the only free treatment anywhere is the cold turkey cure. It is about as good as any. 3. No, practically speaking. A Bargain.—An ancient car chugged painfully up to the gate, of the races. while a German band outside was playin’ ‘Blue Bells o’ Scotland’ — you’d be a cosmopolitan.” — Bystander. Why They Went As the Sunday school teacher entered she saw leaving in great haste a little girl and her small brother. “Why, Mary, you aren’t going away?” she exclaimed in surprise. “Pleathe, Miss Anne, we’ve got to go.” was the distressed reply. “Jimmy tha- wallowed hith collection.” ¿«miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiítiiiiiiiiiiimiiiiimitiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiHí Heavy Cost.—“Hello, old man! Your two weeks at the beach seem to have set you up.” “That’s nothing to what they set me back.” ■ Unselfish or Forehanded?—Customer: “I want to buy three lawnmowers.” Dealer: “You must have a big place.” ■ Customer: “No, but I have two neigh bors.”—The Hardware Trade Magazine. Page Nineteen A Lecture Recital. Ruby, appearing in her first piano recital, had been coached to make a few enlightening remarks about the selection before she began to play. Her enthusiasm caused her to wind up the speech with this original hit: “My piece is about a cuckoo bird, and if you listen you can hear his singing right in my own hand playing.” I Overbeck-Cooke Co. I Í BROKERS I i Stocks, Bonds, Grain and Cotton | | Members Chicago Board of Trade. | i Portland: Board of Trade Building. | | Pendleton, Ore., Walla Walla, Wash. | i Direct Private Wires to Logan & f | Ryan, of New York and Chicago. | niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinif? ¿iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiíiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiini>s | LIGHT POWER HEAT I Northwestern Electric Co. i r~ I = Pessimistic. Prof.—What do you expect to be when you get out of college? Permanent freshman—A grandfather. Home Town Business Man Happiness belongs to the firm of Watch and Waite. Affiliated with Attitt, Early and Layte. He’s a director of the house of Doo and Wairitt.. And president of the company of Grinn and Bearitt. Definition By Example Joe — “’Ere, Curly? You know every thing — what’s a cosmopolitan.” • Curly — “Well, it’s like this: Suppose you was a Russian Jew livin’ in Eng land, married to a black woman, an’ you’d just fihished a bit of Irish stew, an’ was smokin’ an Egyptian cigarette, I I I Washington at Tenth - PORTLAND, ORE. | = | Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiimiiiiiitiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii? ¿uumiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimimiiiimiiiiiiiiiiiíiimiiitiiiiiiiiiiiiitiiiiifiiiiiimiiiiiiiuic The place to trade | STAPLES The Jeweler ■ 266 Morrison Street Í | $Mii>>>UI||||||||||||fltlllllllHlllllltllllllillllllllllllllllllllllllUlilllllllllllllllllllllllllllllin~ | CLASSIFIED Professions—Business What’s the Use! “Did you have words with your wife?” “Yes, I had words, but no opportunity for using them.” Seldom at Home. Warden—It is our custom to let a prisoner work at the same trade here as he did outside. Prisoner—Yes, sir; I was a traveling salesman. ] __________ ATTORNEYS__________ NELS JACOBSON 806 N. W. Bank Bldg. Main 4416 DAVID E. LOFGREN 1030 Ch. of Com. Bldg. Brd’wy 0462 | I j | | Miiiiiiiimimiimiuimimiiiniiiimiiiimmiiiimiiiiiiiiiiimiiiiiiiiiimimimiiiiiiiiiiiiiig | | | = Phone Main 1165 Dr. Harold 6. Trommald DENTIST Regular office hours every day Evenings by appointment 805-807 Journal Building Cor. Yamhill and Broadway, Portland, Ore. i | | Smiiiiiiiiiiitimiiiiiiiiiimiiiiiitiiiiiiimiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimiiiiiiiitiiit? f I 1 | f I Phone Main 4389 DR. LEIF UNDERDAHL DENTIST and Combination Bridge Work a Specialty Office: 1221 Selling Building Sixth and Alder, Portland, Oregon Reg. Office Hours Eve. by Appointment Plate TmimiiiiiiiiiiimiiiuuniiiiimiiiimiiiiiiiiimmmiiimiiiiiiiiiMmiiiiiimuiiimiimiii Place Your Orders With The United American Advertisers—and Tell Them Why