NOVEMBER 1925
THE UNITED AMERICAN
Bits of Humor for the Home Circle and the Fireside
■ High-priced.—“How was the scenery
where you spent your vacation?”
■ “The most expensive I ever gazed at.”
■ Non-stop.—Look out for fleeting oppor
tunities—the heel of progress always
wears the spur of the moment.
I In Terms of Evolution.—What differ
ence does man’s origin matter so long
as women are divine?”
—The Havana Post.
The gate keeper* demanding the usual fee
for automobiles, called:
“A dollar for the car.”
The owner looked up with a pathetic
smile of relief and said. “Sold.”—Bison.
Social Psych.—Prof.—“What rule may
the novice follow to avoid hitting his
thumb while driving a nail?”
A Student—“Hold the hammer with
both hands.’’
—S. California Wampus.
B Plenty of ‘em.—Big Sister—I’m afraid
my birthday cake is heavy.
I Kid Brother—Never mind, sis, there’ll
be plenty of candles to make it light.
I Reverse Action.—Governess (to small
pupil)—-“Dam,” that is something to keep
back a flow of water.
■ Young ’un—When pa says it, ma al-
ways cries.
Her Lost opportunity.—“I hear you
had a terrible experience while you were
at the beach.”
• “Yes, I was rescued from drowning by
another girl.”
■ And That’s Why.—“No, I don’t want
to buy that horse. He looks as though
he had a mean disposition.”
■ “Dat am nothin’, boss, He just got
dat look from runnin’ in sulky races.”
—Brown Jug.
Correct Information. “I hear you have
a new baby at your home,” greeted a
friendly neighbor.
“Two of ’em, they’re twins,” proudly
informed Willy.
“Isn’t that great! Boys or girls?'*
asked the lady.
“Both,” answered Willy, “one little him
and one little her.”
■ A Race Against Time.—Mother—Why
do you eat those ginger cockies so
greedly. You have plenty of them.
I Tommy—I know it. That’s why I’m
afraid my appetite will be gone before
the cookies are.
■ Cop—“Your honor, this man stole a
quart of whiskey.”
■ Judge—“The prisoner is dismissed.”
■ “But, your honor—”
“You can’t make a case out of a quart.”
—Washington Dirge.
■ Preparing the Order.—First Shopper
I—That is a careful vegetable dealer. See
him sorting out all his stale stuff.
Second ditto—He isn’t going to throw
it away. Somebody has just placed an
order by telephone.
■ From a Drug Addict.—J. N. writes:,
I I. I am a drug addict for three years,
resulting from pains from liver trouble.1
I have little or no means.
2. Can I be cared for free at Hot
Springs, Ark?
■ 3. Is cure by use of hyoscine dan
gerous ?
I Reply.—I. You are mistaken as to the
cause of your habit.
2. I know of no hospital for that
purpose at Hot Springs. About the only
free treatment anywhere is the cold
turkey cure. It is about as good as any.
3. No, practically speaking.
A Bargain.—An ancient car chugged
painfully up to the gate, of the races.
while a German band outside was playin’
‘Blue Bells o’ Scotland’ — you’d be a
cosmopolitan.” — Bystander.
Why They Went
As the Sunday school teacher entered
she saw leaving in great haste a little
girl and her small brother.
“Why, Mary, you aren’t going away?”
she exclaimed in surprise.
“Pleathe, Miss Anne, we’ve got to go.”
was the distressed reply. “Jimmy tha-
wallowed hith collection.”
¿«miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiítiiiiiiiiiiimiiiiimitiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiHí
Heavy Cost.—“Hello, old man! Your
two weeks at the beach seem to have set
you up.”
“That’s nothing to what they set me
back.”
■ Unselfish or Forehanded?—Customer:
“I want to buy three lawnmowers.”
Dealer: “You must have a big place.”
■ Customer: “No, but I have two neigh
bors.”—The Hardware Trade Magazine.
Page Nineteen
A Lecture Recital. Ruby, appearing
in her first piano recital, had been coached
to make a few enlightening remarks
about the selection before she began to
play. Her enthusiasm caused her to wind
up the speech with this original hit: “My
piece is about a cuckoo bird, and if you
listen you can hear his singing right in
my own hand playing.”
I Overbeck-Cooke Co. I
Í
BROKERS
I
i
Stocks, Bonds, Grain and Cotton
|
| Members Chicago Board of Trade. |
i Portland: Board of Trade Building. |
| Pendleton, Ore., Walla Walla, Wash. |
i
Direct Private Wires to Logan & f
| Ryan, of New York and Chicago. |
niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinif?
¿iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiíiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiini>s
|
LIGHT
POWER
HEAT
I
Northwestern Electric Co.
i r~
I
=
Pessimistic. Prof.—What do you expect
to be when you get out of college?
Permanent freshman—A grandfather.
Home Town Business Man
Happiness belongs to the firm of
Watch and Waite.
Affiliated with Attitt, Early and
Layte.
He’s a director of the house of Doo
and Wairitt..
And president of the company of
Grinn and Bearitt.
Definition By Example
Joe — “’Ere, Curly? You know every
thing — what’s a cosmopolitan.” •
Curly — “Well, it’s like this: Suppose
you was a Russian Jew livin’ in Eng
land, married to a black woman, an’
you’d just fihished a bit of Irish stew,
an’ was smokin’ an Egyptian cigarette,
I
I
I
Washington at Tenth -
PORTLAND, ORE.
|
=
|
Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiimiiiiiitiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii?
¿uumiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimimiiiimiiiiiiiiiiiíiimiiitiiiiiiiiiiiiitiiiiifiiiiiimiiiiiiiuic
The place to trade
|
STAPLES
The Jeweler
■ 266 Morrison Street
Í
|
$Mii>>>UI||||||||||||fltlllllllHlllllltllllllillllllllllllllllllllllllUlilllllllllllllllllllllllllllllin~
|
CLASSIFIED
Professions—Business
What’s the Use! “Did you have words
with your wife?”
“Yes, I had words, but no opportunity
for using them.”
Seldom at Home. Warden—It is our
custom to let a prisoner work at the
same trade here as he did outside.
Prisoner—Yes, sir; I was a traveling
salesman.
]
__________ ATTORNEYS__________
NELS JACOBSON
806 N. W. Bank Bldg. Main 4416
DAVID E. LOFGREN
1030 Ch. of Com. Bldg. Brd’wy 0462
|
I
j
|
|
Miiiiiiiimimiimiuimimiiiniiiimiiiimmiiiimiiiiiiiiiiimiiiiiiiiiimimimiiiiiiiiiiiiiig
|
|
|
=
Phone Main 1165
Dr. Harold
6. Trommald
DENTIST
Regular office hours every day
Evenings by appointment
805-807 Journal Building
Cor. Yamhill and Broadway,
Portland, Ore.
i
|
|
Smiiiiiiiiiiitimiiiiiiiiiimiiiiiitiiiiiiimiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimiiiiiiiitiiit?
f
I
1
|
f
I
Phone Main 4389
DR. LEIF UNDERDAHL
DENTIST
and Combination Bridge
Work a Specialty
Office: 1221 Selling Building
Sixth and Alder, Portland, Oregon
Reg. Office Hours Eve. by Appointment
Plate
TmimiiiiiiiiiiimiiiuuniiiiimiiiimiiiiiiiiimmmiiimiiiiiiiiiMmiiiiiimuiiimiimiii
Place Your Orders With The United American Advertisers—and Tell Them Why