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About The united American : a magazine of good citizenchip. (Portland, Or.) 1923-1927 | View Entire Issue (May 1, 1925)
Page Eighteen THE UNITED AMERICAN difference. When a salesman makes a mistake, he charges it on his expense account. But ■when an editor makes a mistake, he’s just murdered. — Selected. the worshipers will start laughing in the churches. A Prosy Poet Teacher — “Now, Jimmie, I want you to make up a verse, using the word Nellie.” Jimmie—“There was a girl and her name was Nellie. She fell into the water clear to her knees.” Teacher—“Why, Jimmie, that doesn’t rhyme.” Jimmie — “I know it don’t; the water wasn’t deep enough.” His Proof of Innocence A young lady, who often thought out loud, had just been shown through a garter factory. “Heavens!” she exclaimed, “90,000,000 pair in one year? I don’t see where they all go to.” “Neither do I,” replied the young man, coloring slightly. Variable Verbs A boy who swims may say he swum but milk is skimmed and seldom skum, and nails you trim, they are not trum. When words you speak, these words are spoken, but a nose is tweaked and can’t be twoken, and what you seek is seldom soken. If we forget, then we’ve forgotten, but things we wet are never wotten, and houses let can not be lotten. The goods one sells are always sold, but fears dispelled are not dispold, nor what you smell is never smoled. When young, a top you oft saw spun, but did you see a grin e’er grun, or a potato nearly skun ? — Tit Bits. Hydrogin or Oxy gin? An old Negro preacher was making a visit to the revenue warehouse. Revenue Officer — What’ll it be, Eras mus? Erasmus — Ah wants some sacri legious wine ? You mean sacramental wine, don’t you? And what kind do you want ? Erasmus — Well, boss, at last Sun day’s meetin’ the congregation took a vote, and it was unanimous for gin. — Royal Gaboon. Samples Needed An advertising salesman upon arriv ing at the hotel was met by the porter who wanted to know how many trunks he carried. “I use no trunks,” the salesman replied. “Oh, I thought you wuz one of these traveling salesmen gentlemen,” said the porter. “I am, but I sell brains, understand? I sell brains!” “Well excuse me, boss, 'but youse the furst travelin’ fella that’s been here this season who ain’t carryin’ no samples.” — The Gideon. Delayed Action In England they never show comedies on Saturday night. They are afraid A Clear Case “Any insanity in the family?” asked the insurance doctor of Mrs. Suffragist. “Well, no — only, my husband imagines he is the head of the house?’ —The Crescent. No Quarter Employer (sternly) — There are two quarters missing from my desk, and only you and I have a key. What about it? Office Boy — Well sir, let’s pay a quarter each and say nothing about it. He Wasn’t Shop Foreman — You ain’t one of them blokes wot drops their tools and scoots as soon as the whistle blows are you? New Man — Not me! Why, I often have to wait five minutes after I put me tools away before the Whistle blows. — New York Central Magazine. The Professional Touch Guest — Are tips expected here ? Waiter — No, sah. We is freebohn American citizens, we is, an’ we wish to preserve ouah self-respect, sah. Guest — I am glad to hear that. Waiter — Yes, sah. All we require is a retainin’ fee, same as de lawyers, sah. — Boston Transcript. Sounded Difficult Down in Texas the short cotton crop forced a large number of country ne groes to the cities. One of them applied for a job at one of the large employment agencies. “ There’s a job at the Eagle Laundry,” said the man behind the desk. “Want it?” The applicant shifted uneasily from one foot to the other. “Tell you how it is, boss,” he said finally. “I sure does want a job mighty bad, but de fack is, I ain’t never washed a eagle.” —The Open Road. Unpretentious. — The young married couple entered the furniture store. The Young Hubby (bashfully) — We want to look at a bedroom suite for our new home. The Clerk — Yes, sir. Do you want twin beds?” The Young Wife (blushingly) — Oh, heavens, no! Just a small cradle.—Record. Assurance and insurance. Three times the red-faced “prospect” had pushed the young Scotch insurance agent down a long flight of stairs. The third time he turned to his work, satisfied that he had seen the last of the persistent young man. But no! The door opened and a smiling Scotch face peered in. “Weel now,” said the agent, “we’ve hed our little bit of fun together; so, all joking aside, how aboot the insurance?” Trap for roaches. — A simple Ameri can home-made roach trap consists of tin bread pans about three inches deep, 1 few MAY 1925 says Nature Magazine. Grease bottom and sides of pans with rancid butter; place overnight where roaches are numer ous. In the morning shake out roaches into hot water and grease for another haul. The best preventive is persistent cleanliness. - QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS (Continued from Page Nine.) the more since the state has virtually set aside the statute which you violated in 1921 and 1922 when you were fishing as before, unmindful of the serious con sequences that were to follow. Don’t lose courage, justice will triumph in the end, the bars that have been placed against you may come down in spite of the local prejudices that are responsible for your sufferings. —H.J.L. Q.—I live in the vicinity of Astoria, but prefer to make my application for citizenship in the Federal Court in Port land instead of in the Circuit Court at Astoria. Have I the right to do so if I desire? —Chris D. A.—Yes. You can apply for citizen ship in the Federal Court in Portland if you prefer to have your application heard by a federal judge instead of by a state circuit judge. Of course it will cost you more to bring your witnesses to Port land for your Naturalization hearing, than it would cost to bring them to Astoria if you live near that city. In that case you have to file your applica tion with the clerk of the Federal District Court for Oregon, whose offices are in the old Postoffiee building, Fifth and Morrison Sts., Portland, Oregon. — H.J.L. Q.—When can I apply for naturaliza tion papers? —Fred S. A.—After you have been in America fully five years. —H.J.L. Q.—I have been told that a man can register and vote in Oregon when he has taken out his first paper. Is that correct? —Ilaldor G. A.—No. You cannot register and vote in Oregon or any other state before you have become naturalized and can produce your citizenship papers. However, it is I true that it used to be possible to-regis ter and vote in Oregon and in a few other I states, upon presentation of a Declara tion of Intention (first) paper. Several I years ago a law was passed in this state abolishing this privilege. —H.J.L. Q.—What are the usual questions I asked of an applicant for citizenship and what is expected from a man seeking naturalization? —Erik T. A.—The examiner will ask you any I number of questions pertaining to Amer- I ican history, our form of government I and its sub-divisions. He will test your I knowledge of the Constitution, what you know regarding state government and the names of high state and federal of ficials. If you expect to pass an ex amination you should (first obtain a teacher and spend several months in preparation for’ citizenship. —H.J.L. I D50 Illuminant, 2 degree observe