Page Eighteen
THE UNITED AMERICAN
difference. When a salesman makes a
mistake, he charges it on his expense
account. But ■when an editor makes a
mistake, he’s just murdered. — Selected.
the worshipers will start laughing in the
churches.
A Prosy Poet
Teacher — “Now, Jimmie, I want you
to make up a verse, using the word
Nellie.”
Jimmie—“There was a girl and her
name was Nellie. She fell into the water
clear to her knees.”
Teacher—“Why, Jimmie, that doesn’t
rhyme.”
Jimmie — “I know it don’t; the water
wasn’t deep enough.”
His Proof of Innocence
A young lady, who often thought out
loud, had just been shown through a
garter factory.
“Heavens!” she exclaimed, “90,000,000
pair in one year? I don’t see where they
all go to.”
“Neither do I,” replied the young man,
coloring slightly.
Variable Verbs
A boy who swims may say he swum
but milk is skimmed and seldom skum,
and nails you trim, they are not trum.
When words you speak, these words
are spoken, but a nose is tweaked and
can’t be twoken, and what you seek is
seldom soken.
If we forget, then we’ve forgotten, but
things we wet are never wotten, and
houses let can not be lotten.
The goods one sells are always sold,
but fears dispelled are not dispold, nor
what you smell is never smoled.
When young, a top you oft saw spun,
but did you see a grin e’er grun, or a
potato nearly skun ?
— Tit Bits.
Hydrogin or Oxy gin?
An old Negro preacher was making
a visit to the revenue warehouse.
Revenue Officer — What’ll it be, Eras
mus?
Erasmus — Ah wants some sacri
legious wine ? You mean sacramental
wine, don’t you? And what kind do you
want ?
Erasmus — Well, boss, at last Sun
day’s meetin’ the congregation took a
vote, and it was unanimous for gin.
— Royal Gaboon.
Samples Needed
An advertising salesman upon arriv
ing at the hotel was met by the porter
who wanted to know how many trunks
he carried.
“I use no trunks,” the salesman
replied.
“Oh, I thought you wuz one of these
traveling salesmen gentlemen,” said the
porter.
“I am, but I sell brains, understand?
I sell brains!”
“Well excuse me, boss, 'but youse the
furst travelin’ fella that’s been here this
season who ain’t carryin’ no samples.”
— The Gideon.
Delayed Action
In England they never show comedies
on Saturday night. They are afraid
A Clear Case
“Any insanity in the family?” asked
the insurance doctor of Mrs. Suffragist.
“Well, no — only, my husband imagines
he is the head of the house?’
—The Crescent.
No Quarter
Employer (sternly) — There are two
quarters missing from my desk, and
only you and I have a key. What
about it?
Office Boy — Well sir, let’s pay a
quarter each and say nothing about it.
He Wasn’t
Shop Foreman — You ain’t one of
them blokes wot drops their tools and
scoots as soon as the whistle blows are
you?
New Man — Not me! Why, I often
have to wait five minutes after I put
me tools away before the Whistle blows.
— New York Central Magazine.
The Professional Touch
Guest — Are tips expected here ?
Waiter — No, sah. We is freebohn
American citizens, we is, an’ we wish
to preserve ouah self-respect, sah.
Guest — I am glad to hear that.
Waiter — Yes, sah. All we require
is a retainin’ fee, same as de lawyers,
sah.
— Boston Transcript.
Sounded Difficult
Down in Texas the short cotton crop
forced a large number of country ne
groes to the cities. One of them applied
for a job at one of the large employment
agencies.
“ There’s a job at the Eagle Laundry,”
said the man behind the desk. “Want it?”
The applicant shifted uneasily from
one foot to the other.
“Tell you how it is, boss,” he said
finally. “I sure does want a job mighty
bad, but de fack is, I ain’t never washed
a eagle.”
—The Open Road.
Unpretentious. — The young married
couple entered the furniture store.
The Young Hubby (bashfully) — We
want to look at a bedroom suite for our
new home.
The Clerk — Yes, sir. Do you want
twin beds?”
The Young Wife (blushingly) — Oh,
heavens, no! Just a small cradle.—Record.
Assurance and insurance. Three times
the red-faced “prospect” had pushed the
young Scotch insurance agent down a
long flight of stairs. The third time he
turned to his work, satisfied that he had
seen the last of the persistent young man.
But no! The door opened and a
smiling Scotch face peered in. “Weel
now,” said the agent, “we’ve hed our
little bit of fun together; so, all joking
aside, how aboot the insurance?”
Trap for roaches. — A simple Ameri
can home-made roach trap consists of
tin bread pans about three inches deep,
1
few
MAY 1925
says Nature Magazine. Grease bottom
and sides of pans with rancid butter;
place overnight where roaches are numer
ous. In the morning shake out roaches
into hot water and grease for another
haul. The best preventive is persistent
cleanliness. -
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
(Continued from Page Nine.)
the more since the state has virtually set
aside the statute which you violated in
1921 and 1922 when you were fishing as
before, unmindful of the serious con
sequences that were to follow. Don’t
lose courage, justice will triumph in the
end, the bars that have been placed
against you may come down in spite of
the local prejudices that are responsible
for your sufferings.
—H.J.L.
Q.—I live in the vicinity of Astoria,
but prefer to make my application for
citizenship in the Federal Court in Port
land instead of in the Circuit Court at
Astoria. Have I the right to do so if I
desire?
—Chris D.
A.—Yes. You can apply for citizen
ship in the Federal Court in Portland if
you prefer to have your application heard
by a federal judge instead of by a state
circuit judge. Of course it will cost you
more to bring your witnesses to Port
land for your Naturalization hearing,
than it would cost to bring them to
Astoria if you live near that city. In
that case you have to file your applica
tion with the clerk of the Federal District
Court for Oregon, whose offices are in
the old Postoffiee building, Fifth and
Morrison Sts., Portland, Oregon. — H.J.L.
Q.—When can I apply for naturaliza
tion papers?
—Fred S.
A.—After you have been in America
fully five years.
—H.J.L.
Q.—I have been told that a man can
register and vote in Oregon when he has
taken out his first paper. Is that correct?
—Ilaldor G.
A.—No. You cannot register and vote
in Oregon or any other state before you
have become naturalized and can produce
your citizenship papers. However, it is I
true that it used to be possible to-regis
ter and vote in Oregon and in a few other I
states, upon presentation of a Declara
tion of Intention (first) paper. Several I
years ago a law was passed in this state
abolishing this privilege.
—H.J.L.
Q.—What are the usual questions I
asked of an applicant for citizenship and
what is expected from a man seeking
naturalization?
—Erik T.
A.—The examiner will ask you any I
number of questions pertaining to Amer- I
ican history, our form of government I
and its sub-divisions. He will test your I
knowledge of the Constitution, what you
know regarding state government and
the names of high state and federal of
ficials. If you expect to pass an ex
amination you should (first obtain a
teacher and spend several months in
preparation for’ citizenship.
—H.J.L. I
D50 Illuminant, 2 degree observe