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About The nugget. (Sisters, Or.) 1994-current | View Entire Issue (Sept. 12, 2018)
Wednesday, September 12, 2018 The Nugget Newspaper, Sisters, Oregon Of a certain age Your Story MATTERS Audry Van Houweling, PMHNP Columnist Scarlet letters and shame in a small town Nathaniel Hawthorne’s classic, The Scarlet Letter, tells the story of a woman, Hester Prynne, chastised by a Puritan community after she is found guilty of infidelity. She is forced to wear a scarlet letter, “A” on her chest for “adultery” and endures public judgement and shaming. While small-town America has gener- ally moved beyond such extremes, we certainly can wear our own metaphori- cal scarlet letters and brand them on each other. Given the intimacy and intercon- nections of small towns, emotions can spread like contagions transforming a community’s energy. Joy, excitement, peace, strife, sadness, fear, and certainly shame. Many of us have felt burdened by the perceived mark of shame — our own scarlet letter. Be it finan- cial woes, family drama, infidelity, illness, or simply choosing to live outside the bounds of what has been deemed acceptable. Many of us try to hide our scarlet let- ter through work, isolation, distraction, external appear- ances, and forced smiles among other efforts that alto- gether can make life down- right exhausting. Afraid we will be found out, we rob ourselves of authenticity. I work in two beautiful small towns. Sisters, and Silverton, on the west side of the mountains. Each is simi- lar, but different, and each has its own ideas of social idealism. Shame is a funny thing. Each town seems to have their own rules about shame dictated by the uniqueness of its culture and social norms. Sisters and Silverton have certain criteria you may have to meet to be considered acceptable or “a local.” Your scarlet letter may be particu- larly painful in one town while it may be celebrated in another. Sometimes, when so many people have the same scarlet letter, it becomes shameful to not have a scar- let letter. This can happen in cases of learned helplessness when forward mobility can seem unorthodox and even condescending. If there is one thing I have learned in my work, it is that no one person is immune to shame and insecurity. Not the most successful, not the wealthiest, not the most pop- ular — everybody has their burdens. Everybody has their struggles. So assuming we all have our own scarlet letter, how can we lessen each other’s burden of shame and move toward acceptance and authenticity? • Be wary of gossip. Small towns are notorious hot-beds for gossip. Gossip gives the illusion of pseudo- closeness and being a partic- ipant, yet it can increase our own sense of hypervigilance and shame. Talking about somebody’s successes can promote positivity, but gab- bing about somebody’s trials is a disservice to everyone — you included. • Give each other (and yourself) space to make mis- takes. Or maybe I should just say let’s give each space to be human. We all mess up and while there are certainly 21 ISTOCKPHOTO.COM/BRAINSIL limits to our slip-ups, hold- ing ourselves or each other to unrealistic standards of perfection or control is prob- ably the biggest mistake we make. Try not to make assumptions, and realize a person’s actions are part of a complex story. • Be genuine. Formalities have their place, but how often do you really ask with true curiosity, “how are you?” By the same token, don’t be afraid to respond to such questions with gen- uine honesty. You may be surprised how this provides safety for others to open up with you as well. • Shame vs guilt. This is an important distinc- tion. Guilt means, “I did something bad.” Shame means, “I am bad.” Learn to acknowledge this in yourself and others. • Pieces of you. Remember that Jewel song, “Pieces of You”? Recognize that that which you dislike in others is often a projection of what you dislike in your- self. Therefore, if you are feeling full of shame, you are probably more likely to “shame” others. Own your shame story, acknowledge the pain, and be wary of pro- jecting it onto others. Let’s challenge ourselves to stop the judgment and chastising. After all, we will all likely need help over- coming our own scarlet let- ter at some point.
