Wednesday, September 12, 2018 The Nugget Newspaper, Sisters, Oregon Of a certain age
Your Story
MATTERS
Audry Van Houweling, PMHNP
Columnist
Scarlet letters
and shame in a
small town
Nathaniel Hawthorne’s
classic, The Scarlet Letter,
tells the story of a woman,
Hester Prynne, chastised
by a Puritan community
after she is found guilty of
infidelity. She is forced to
wear a scarlet letter, “A” on
her chest for “adultery” and
endures public judgement
and shaming.
While small-town
America has gener-
ally moved beyond such
extremes, we certainly can
wear our own metaphori-
cal scarlet letters and brand
them on each other. Given
the intimacy and intercon-
nections of small towns,
emotions can spread like
contagions transforming a
community’s energy. Joy,
excitement, peace, strife,
sadness, fear, and certainly
shame.
Many of us have felt
burdened by the perceived
mark of shame — our own
scarlet letter. Be it finan-
cial woes, family drama,
infidelity, illness, or simply
choosing to live outside the
bounds of what has been
deemed acceptable. Many of
us try to hide our scarlet let-
ter through work, isolation,
distraction, external appear-
ances, and forced smiles
among other efforts that alto-
gether can make life down-
right exhausting. Afraid we
will be found out, we rob
ourselves of authenticity.
I work in two beautiful
small towns. Sisters, and
Silverton, on the west side of
the mountains. Each is simi-
lar, but different, and each
has its own ideas of social
idealism.
Shame is a funny thing.
Each town seems to have
their own rules about shame
dictated by the uniqueness of
its culture and social norms.
Sisters and Silverton have
certain criteria you may have
to meet to be considered
acceptable or “a local.” Your
scarlet letter may be particu-
larly painful in one town
while it may be celebrated in
another. Sometimes, when so
many people have the same
scarlet letter, it becomes
shameful to not have a scar-
let letter. This can happen in
cases of learned helplessness
when forward mobility can
seem unorthodox and even
condescending.
If there is one thing I have
learned in my work, it is that
no one person is immune to
shame and insecurity. Not
the most successful, not the
wealthiest, not the most pop-
ular — everybody has their
burdens. Everybody has
their struggles.
So assuming we all have
our own scarlet letter, how
can we lessen each other’s
burden of shame and move
toward acceptance and
authenticity?
• Be wary of gossip.
Small towns are notorious
hot-beds for gossip. Gossip
gives the illusion of pseudo-
closeness and being a partic-
ipant, yet it can increase our
own sense of hypervigilance
and shame. Talking about
somebody’s successes can
promote positivity, but gab-
bing about somebody’s trials
is a disservice to everyone
— you included.
• Give each other (and
yourself) space to make mis-
takes. Or maybe I should
just say let’s give each space
to be human. We all mess up
and while there are certainly
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ISTOCKPHOTO.COM/BRAINSIL
limits to our slip-ups, hold-
ing ourselves or each other
to unrealistic standards of
perfection or control is prob-
ably the biggest mistake
we make. Try not to make
assumptions, and realize a
person’s actions are part of a
complex story.
• Be genuine. Formalities
have their place, but how
often do you really ask with
true curiosity, “how are
you?” By the same token,
don’t be afraid to respond
to such questions with gen-
uine honesty. You may be
surprised how this provides
safety for others to open up
with you as well.
• Shame vs guilt. This
is an important distinc-
tion. Guilt means, “I did
something bad.” Shame
means, “I am bad.” Learn to
acknowledge this in yourself
and others.
• Pieces of you.
Remember that Jewel song,
“Pieces of You”? Recognize
that that which you dislike in
others is often a projection
of what you dislike in your-
self. Therefore, if you are
feeling full of shame, you
are probably more likely to
“shame” others. Own your
shame story, acknowledge
the pain, and be wary of pro-
jecting it onto others.
Let’s challenge ourselves
to stop the judgment and
chastising. After all, we will
all likely need help over-
coming our own scarlet let-
ter at some point.